<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Always and Forever, Anonymous. by chnamon_bun</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28363284">Always and Forever, Anonymous.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/chnamon_bun/pseuds/chnamon_bun'>chnamon_bun</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>GMMTV, Gun Atthaphan Punsawat, off jumpol adulkittiporn - Fandom, offgun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Angst and Romance, Angst and Tragedy, Enemies to Friends, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, First Love, M/M, Military Families, Multi, Tragic Romance</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 02:54:22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>85,093</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28363284</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/chnamon_bun/pseuds/chnamon_bun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>7 years could change a lot of aspects in one's life, but to Gun's dismay, it had always stayed the same. It wasn't until he heard a loud and deafening knock on his door one gloomy morning, with a box being handed to him containing the remnants of what seemed to be the letters that kept him alive all those years ago; the letters he used to receive from someone who he only knew as 'Anonymous', along with the news about an old highschool classmate.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Off Jumpol Adulkittiporn/Gun Atthaphan Phunsawat</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>38</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. one</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Warning/s:<br/>This work contains a heavy amount of very sensitive topics and materials, such as: death, angst,~slight~ smut, foul language, frequent mentions of mental health and mental illnesses --like really frequent.<br/><br/>If any of those mentioned above trigger you, please click away. I would appreciate you reading this, but I will appreciate it more if you were to take care of yourself by avoiding something that you know will trigger you, like this book :)<br/>But if you still insist reading it, then I suggest you read at your own risk :))<br/><br/>Hi! This is my first fic on this platform, and possibly my first formal au.<br/>I could already tell that there would be a lot of mistakes, but feel free to respectfully correct me whenever it happens.<br/>I assure you that I'll be trying my best to make this fic entertaining, and enjoyable to read as much as possible.</p><p>I love you.</p><p>Enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <span class="u"> <em> <strong>PROLOGUE</strong> </em> </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>trigger warning: suicide</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>"Do you think I'm that forgettable?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"With that attitude of yours, who would even think that to begin with?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"What do you mean?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The cold air that surrounded them began to overcome Gun's entire body. Making him shiver from the cold 3 a.m air, as they walked back home from the party they tried so hard to escape from.</em>
</p><p><em>Gun stared at the older boy curiously. He wondered what he meant. For years he'd always thought he wasn't that memorable, but deep inside his problematic naive heart, he wished </em> <em>the boy wouldn't think the same as he thought. </em></p><p><em>"You leave an impression on everyone you meet," The boy began to stare back at Gun with the same amount of seriousness, as he continued to speak to him. "I would be lying if I said </em> <em>I wouldn't forget what you did to me"</em></p><p>
  <em>"I'm sorry..." Gun looked down, realizing how many times he did the other boy dirty. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>What he didn't know was that the latter had something else in his mind. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>They were both drunk. Having one too many drinks to preoccupy themselves back in the party that their friends threw as a celebration for their last day school. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>What Gun didn't know was, there was another reason why they decided to celebrate. The boy was too busy drinking with his friends to realize what had been happening. He decided to leave when the latter grabbed his hand, pulling him to the backdoor. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Gun, about those letters..." The taller began to speak. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Gun had been waiting for this moment ever since he found himself staring at the boy the morning he came to school a little too late as expected from him. He's been dreaming about those eyes staring back at him, as his perfectly formed lips would say the words he'd been dying to hear. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>It was a stir of the moment when Gun found himself tiptoeing to reach the boy who was in front of him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He's never been one to initiate, but the thought of feeling his soft lips against his own had been occupying his mind as much as the boy himself.</em>
</p><hr/><p><br/>Gun kept his eyes shut as the familiar yet odd feeling of cold wind surrounded his entire being. He opened his eyes, looking around to see his now empty condo unit look more gloomier than ever. The condo that used to be so filled with life, with streaks of colors from the memories he vividly remembered began coming back to him, as he pushed aside the empty feeling he's been feeling for so long. Now, it only seems to be filled with the painful marks of memories and the lingering scent of happy moments that have already passed.</p><p>It's been seven years ever since that night. And yet he could still remember the hot stream of tears as it rushed down from his face. His throat feeling coarse from yelling, and the pain he had in his chest as he heard those words.</p><p>
  <em>"I accepted his offer"</em>
</p><p>He shook his head from the memory that had occupied his mind for too long. That was the last, but it definitely began another level of torture that Gun had to face. It was the last of the memories he had of that night. He forgot all about it right after, and yet he could still remember the sting he felt as of that moment, and the harsh feeling of confusion. But the rest, he had forgotten. He just had to. Otherwise he'd have thought of doing what he was doing now, much more earlier.</p><p>For some people, 7 years would be hell of a long time, enough for a little swallow to fully recover from a broken wing. Yet it was completely different for Gun's situation. The more time he was left all alone to think about it, more that he had to bear with it, knowing that he will never fully heal. He was familiar of the dark hole that he'd fallen into 7 years ago. He would be lying if he said he wasn't used to it, but after finding something to ease the pain for a little bit, he sure forgot what it felt like to hurt, and now that he's back, he's still holding onto the hope of seeing the light. But that was far from possible. He was sure that this time, there was definitely no saving himself anymore.</p><p>He was done.</p><p>He looked around once again, seeing the carefully packed furniture, which were tightly wrapped and covered with off-white sheets. It had been like that for weeks. He figured he had to prepare earlier, since it was unpredictable when he would think of doing what he was doing right now. The sheets were covered with soot and dust, as he had just spent most of his days and nights lying in bed, with no perception of time whatsoever.</p><p>When in reality, those weeks had turned into months.</p><p>He was awakened by his landlord that gloomy morning as he heard him knocking profusely on the front door, demanding the payment he'd been refusing to pay for 4 months. His landlord knew that he was supposed to reprimand him earlier, but he knew what the boy was going through, as he was informed by his nephew months prior. It was unusual for Gun to pay in time, and in full. Which made his landlord question as to why the boy did the exact opposite that same morning he came to his door.</p><p>"Are you okay?" Leo, his landlord questioned him worriedly. He had a concerned look in his eyes as he noticed Gun's blood-shot eyes as he handed him his overdue payment, in full, placed in a white envelope. Usually Gun would pay about 6 months later than his due, which made Leo question his sudden early payment. "You don't seem yourself lately".</p><p>His landlord opted on calling for help since the boy wasn't like his usual self. It was a good change, and yet it felt so unnatural for the middle-aged man. Looking him up and down, as he continued to ask Gun if he was alright as the boy kept on a strangely sweet smile. It was as if Leo hadn't seen him wear that kind of expression since Gun had moved in at the beginning of his high school years. Ultimately, he was brought back to those days where Gun wore the same exact expression, one that he thought had fled all those years ago along with the memory of a boy he frequently saw in his hallway who would always sneak up to Gun's apartment late at night.</p><p>The first and last time Leo had seen him like this was when he would bring over a boy whose name he's forgotten about. The last thing he heard was that the boy had left. He assumed he's returned for Gun. It convinced Leo more as the sight of an open luggage filled with clothes gleamed upon him. </p><p>"I guess he came back for you" Leo was beaming with joy as he spread a smile across his face as he turned back to Gun. </p><p>Gun, on the other hand, simply smiled back at Leo despite the growing tension in his throat. He tried his best to hide the rope he had tied on the ceiling fan, with his slender figure. He released a sigh of relief when Leo simply patted him on the shoulder despite the lack of an answer. </p><p>"I'm expecting that the next time I walk by your unit, you would be how you are now" His landlord was still sensing a bit of an odd aura from Gun, but he decided to push it away, he liked seeing the boy he's taken care of since he was young like this, at least every once in a while. </p><p><em>"Sure... next time.."</em> Gun whispered to himself as he tried to force a smile once again. </p><p>He thought that maybe he would try to act as if he wasn't dysphoric all his life, before he was going to do what he had to. He thought it would be a good idea to act as if life hadn't been so cruel to him. He was sure of his decision. But despite being sure about it, deep inside he had hoped that he would see at least a little bit of light if he were to act like he was okay. But his confidence had grown even more the moment Leo stepped out of his unit with a smile, inviting him over to his unit to have tea with his nephew at least once a week.</p><p>He couldn't see himself having tea with them the following week.  Gun didn't see a possibility of a future anymore, he could only see darkness the more that he thought about it.</p><p>And with that, Gun had his final verdict. </p><p>He was going to leave. The same way that everyone did him. He was going to disappear without even a simple goodbye or even a final conversation with the few people he kept in contact with.</p><p>He took a deep, and shaky breath as he stood back up on the chair he had already prepared weeks earlier, lifting himself closer to the rope tightly wrapped around his ceiling fan. He took a final look around his condo, his eyes landing on the pile of shirts sitting upon the huge luggage he'd packed. He figured that people would find him, the least he could do was organize and arrange his things, so they wouldn't have a hard time after they've found him. </p><p>He stepped down once again after spotting a peculiar piece of clothing that sat on top of the pile. It wasn't like his other clothes. Unlike his fitted, dark, and snappy outfits, this was an oversized sweater. It was a plain, dark academy sweater which had faded into a lighter and uglier color, and it had a scratched off print on the seams of the sleeves. He figured it was ripped from being washed too often, although he couldn't remember packing it. Gun wondered when he had bought it. But with one more glance at it, he remembered all the memories, and everything that had anything to do with the weird, and tacky sweater.</p><p>
  <em>"I like it when you wear my sweater. You should keep doing it even though you sweat in it a lot"</em>
</p><p>He remembered the soft voice that spoke to him in a harsh manner. That was all Gun could remember of him, and he hated it.</p><p>Gun threw it on the floor and went back to the chair, his mind slowly being filled once again of the memories he tried so desperately hard to get rid of. With one final look around the four walls he grew up in, he lightly placed the rough, scratchy rope around his soar neck. The familiar feeling of emptiness slowly coming back to him he gathers every bit of strength in him to slowly inch himself off the chair.  His breath hitches as he feels himself tilt side ways with the chair. The rest of the memories begin to flood him as he se starts to see darkness, slowly closing his eyes shut. Too tight that he began to see swirls of white and green. He takes one final breath as he decides to let himself go. Deciding to let everything go. Everything was a mess. It had gotten worse than before. He used to think therapy could help. But he stopped thinking that as soon as he started losing interest in everything. </p><p>"I never had a home" He whispers to himself, as the world began to look blurry the longer he took. He finally had it in him as he was reminded of how dysphoric he was, and decided that he was indeed too tired of everything. He wanted to rest. He wanted to find a home. A place where he belonged. He wanted to feel wanted, once again. </p><p>He was now closer to the edge, and it would only take a few more inches for the chair to completely tip over. There was nothing for Gun to hold onto anymore. That was what he taught, before shifting his body to put more weight onto it, making the chair tilt down even more. He put his foot off the chair to help himself fall faster, but before the chair could tip over completely, he had been shaken from his thoughts by a loud knock on his door. </p><p>Whoever was on the other side must have had urgent business, as they knocked too hard, that the glass on the shelf that hung on the same wall came crashing down on Gun's marble kitchen floor. The loud knock rung over around the entire room. Even when it had gone silent, the knock was still ringing in Gun's ears as he stood back and walked over to the door. Thinking it might have been Leo who had forgotten something from his previous visit just minutes ago. </p><p>"Sorry Leo, but I don't think I could make it to tea toda--" Gun had opened the door, anticipating the soft demeanor of his landlord. But he was shocked to see surprised eyes resting on a familiar face he hadn't seen in almost a decade. </p><p>The man on the other side of the door looked him up and down with wide eyes, surprised at how tortured the smaller boy looked. </p><p>Gun stood there, staring back at the man who he was used to seeing in an old school uniform. A blue blazer that wrapped around their grey polo shirt and a purple neck tie. The man now had on an intimidatingly dark shade of green that was scattered with a camouflage pattern. </p><p>He would be lying if he said he didn't miss him. But he had to admit that he was anticipating to see someone else to surprise him at his front door, like he always had for so many years.</p><p>He held a shaky breath as he tried to recall the man's name.</p><hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>"Tay Tawan..."</em>
</p><hr/><p>
  <strong>1</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>present day</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>"Gun Atthaphan Punsawat?" The man in the military uniform continued to look him up and down. He just couldn't believe that the strong-willed and witty boy from high school had become someone who looked as if they've been a victim of a train-wreck. The boy who had always made a statement in high school was now pale, dark and plan clothing hiding his slender body and stained gauze tightly wrapped around both of his wrists. The only color the shorter boy was sporting was from his blood-shot eyes. It concerned Tay the more he looked at Gun. He was like the opposite of what he was painted as in everyone's minds.</p><p>"Tell me this is a fucking dream.. " Tay released a shaky breath, staring at Gun with teary eyes. Without a moment of hesitation whatever, he confidently leaned in, wrapping his arms around his broken friend  that he hadn't seen in so long. Maybe it was too long. He couldn't take in the fact that Gun had looked worse than he did in high school. He always had issues. But Tay didn't think it would take a toll on a strong-willed person like him. </p><p>"That's not really you is it?"</p><p>"I'm afraid it is" Gun responded blankly, as he still remained tightly wrapped around Tay's strong arms. "Why are you here?"</p><p>Gun was amused at the sight of Tay, but he wasn't at all excited. He ran out of excitement the moment he graduated from high school. Leaving behind all the memories he had made.</p><p>Tay took a deep breath, looking at Gun, asking him if he was okay, before deciding to break the news.</p><p>"I don't want to be the one who tells you this but..." Tay looked at Gun, and back at the hallway. Making a signal with his hands. It wasn't until he heard the shuffling of feet when he found out that Tay wasn't the only one who was going to surprise him. His eyes had widened even more as he saw the familiar faces who were also sporting the same uniform as Tay. </p><p>"Gun?" They all said in unison. Gun tried to remember their names, but to his dismay, all he could remember were their faces despite knowing the fact that they definitely hung out more than once.</p><p>"Do you remember them?" Tay pointed at them one by one, as he remembered them to be Mond, Mike, and Fiat. Who he assumed was probably part of his friend group back in high school. They all tackled him as the boy struggled to breathe, certainly not amused at the sudden showcase of affection. </p><p>He doesn't remember much. But he does still reminisce about the fun he's had in the old days. </p><p>"P'Gun?" He heard another voice at the other side of the door as he stared at his cousin who he hadn't seen in almost a decade. "Fuck, I've missed you so damn much"</p><p>"Chimon.." The younger boy came to attack him in an embrace, surprised at his sudden decision of enlisting in the military despite his prior disagreement. He turned too look at Tay with a glare, assuming it was<br/>his idea. But Tay reassured him that he had taken care of the younger boy the entire time they had been in service. </p><p>They had indulged Gun in a conversation, but nothing seemed to entertain him anymore. The lot of them gave concerned looks as they had remembered Gun to be outgoing and spontaneous. What he was showing now was definitely the exact opposite. He had been closed off, and introverted. That even his own cousin began to question if the person sitting in front of them was actually his cousin.</p><p>"Hey, is there something bothering you?" Mond turned at Gun who was blankly staring at the rope that he had sloppily hid on top of the ceiling fan. He didn't answer. Instead he continued to stare at it longer.</p><p>"I think it was bad idea to let Tay tell him" Mike suddenly blurted out, but it wasn't until Tay had hit him on the shin did he get the picture. Fiat poked his head to look at Tay with a questioning look.</p><p>"You haven't told him yet?" The boy asked Tay with not much but a sad look on his eyes. "I thought the main reason why we asked to come here was for you to tell him?" </p><p>"Tell me what?" Gun looked at Tay, still with his empty eyes. Not much but curiosity filling the hollow orbs that lacked emotion.</p><p>"Look, Gun. It wasn't until now when I realized that I'm not the one who should let you know.."</p><p>"Then you could just leave."</p><p>Gun didn't hesitate to dismiss them as he walked over to the kitchen to get another glass of wine. The only thing in the fridge as a matter of fact.</p><p>It didn't surprise anyone at how rash Gun had been acting ever since they got there. It wasn't like they hadn't noticed the rope on the ceiling and the house that almost resembled a ghost town because of all the dust and white sheets. They had realized that Gun was in no shape anymore, and it worried them that they decided to avoid bringing it up. The gauze on his wrists definitely didn't help. </p><p>"I think it would be better if I told him." A familiar voice rung throughout the whole unit. It was a feminine one. Which Gun had questioned since no one else came in but Tay and the others. The sudden statement didn't only shock Gun, but also the others who had been avoiding the topic ever since they got there.</p><p>Gun looked around to see his old best friend who he hadn't been in contact with for nearly a decade.</p><p>"Jane.." Gun practically ran as he rushed to embrace the only person he was actually glad to see. She was the only person who had understood him all his life, the love he had for her wasn't going to fade away that easily despite the amount of time they wasted. He buried her face in her rough camo uniform as he began to realize how much he misses her. Sometimes he would wonder how she was doing. He also wished so many times that she would be there for him during his breakdowns. It wasn't until today when he realized why she had completely pushed him away right after high school.</p><p>"I'm so sorry I left you, hon" Jane whispered into his ear, feeling the tears build up in her throat, but she decided to put into use the training she's had for years, thinking it would help Gun if she remained strong for him. Besides, she wasn't in the position to cry, she had never even reached out to her bestfriend all these years, why would she still have the audacity to do that? she thought. But she would be lying if she said that it didn't pain her all those years she spent without him.</p><p>Tay saw how tough Gun was still acting despite what was happening. Without further hesitation, he turned to look at his comrades to signal them upon their next move. Gun pulled away from Jane when he saw the other, including his younger cousin step outside his house, and back in. This time carrying an old large box. Jane walked over to the box, checking if it was still in tact, and if it still had all the things they initially wanted Gun to see. She lightly kicked the edge of the box with her combat boots, the metal box slightly swaying from the impact.</p><p>"You needed three people to carry this fucking box? It doesn't even weigh more than your fucking lives. How strong are you men actually even?" </p><p>Gun chuckled a little bit remembering how sassy Jane actually was. She never changed, and that gave him hope.</p><p>"Look, I think it better be only the three of you when he finds out" Chimon spoke out. Grabbing the other two and waving back at Gun after giving him a tight embrace and a soft whisper of 'I love you'.</p><p>Tay and Jane had sat Gun down on the couch, moving the box closer to them. As soon as everyone else had exited the room, Tay made sure to close the door in order to keep their conversation as confidential as possible, because of what they were about to talk to Gun about.</p><p>"Don't think we didn't see you hide that rope when you walked away to get more wine." Tay walked back to where Gun and Jane were sitting, crossing his arms and staring at gun with a sad look in his eyes.</p><p>"I won't pretend I didn't see the marks and cuts on your wrists when you reached over to grab the glasses as well" Jane had a stern look on her face. She was clearly disappointed, and yet se knew that she didn't have any amount of right to reprimand him since she was never there in the first place. </p><p>Gun, on the other hand remained calm, not giving a fuck about anything that was happening. He wasn't stupid. He knew very well that he wasn't good at hiding things. He didn't try that hard either.  It wasn't like he was trying to get attention, but it didn't really bother him anymore. He was too drained to even give a fuck anymore.</p><p>"I would have kept in contact with you, you know?" Jane began. Instantly being cut off by Gun.</p><p>"Then why the fuck didn't you?" He growled.</p><p>"Gun, calm down. You know how strict the military is." Tay tried to calm down, who was already letting his emotions get to him. </p><p>Gun sat back down. Slightly calming down as he took quick breaths.</p><p>"Just admit that no one really even cared about me to begin with. Not even my own parents."</p><p>"You know we always care.."</p><p>"Then why didn't you reach out when I felt like dying? Not even in high school?"</p><p>Both Tay and Jane became quiet from Gun's sudden attack. It wasn't because he was accusing them of lies, but because they felt guilty that all he said about them was true.</p><p>"Just admit that I'm too much of a handful to even be valued" Gun blurted out. He paused, seeing Jane and Tay shot their heads up at him. The both of them began to stare back at him with teary eyes, as Tay took something out of his pocket.</p><p>"I'm sorry that we failed you. But someone valued you. You should see it for yourself." He handed over the note that was still in perfect shape despite being cramped up in his pocket ever since they left their base for Thailand. </p><p>Gun was hesitant at first. But Jane insisted that he'd accept it. The writing was unfamiliar. He hasn't seen it before. </p><p>"Who is it from?"</p><p>"I'm sorry, but their last  statement to us was to not tell you" Tay responded, looking at Jane with a worried look. </p><p> </p><p>Gun opened the letter, but as if by instinct, he had opted on glancing at the last word before he could read the rest of it. He'd always read letters like that. And it relieved him, feeling the familiar feeling he hadn't felt in years. A feeling of validation. He'd forgotten about it already, but he always had been keeping it in his heart, and yet there was an odd sense of fear as he read it for the first time in seven years.</p><hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p> </p>
  <p> </p>
  <p> </p>
  <p> </p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>
  <em> <strong>"Always and Forever, Anonymous".</strong> </em>
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>2</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>last 2 weeks of junior year, 2012</strong>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>"Always, and Forever, Anonymous."</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"You got another letter?" </p>
<p>"Yeah, as expected.."</p>
<p>"Are you sure you don't want to read it?"</p>
<p>"Why bother? They say the same thing over and over again anyway" </p>
<p>Gun stood up from his desk, leaving New at the back of the class to approach the rest of their friends who were mingling along the corridors. </p>
<p>"Where the fuck are you going? You haven't finished even half of the requirement yet." New had grabbed Gun by the wrist, reprimanding him for his carelessness. Gun had never been a grade-conscious type of student. He was the exact opposite as a matter of fact. He didn't care if he failed. He wasn't even bothered to put effort into studying. All he did to survive that far was bribe New and the rest of their friend group a treat to a night out in exchange for test answers and projects. </p>
<p>"Finish it for me, as usual" Gun dismissed New with a smirk, patting him on his back. New sighed a deep breath, making Gun turn back at his bestfriend who had probably grown tired of him already.</p>
<p>"I don't want you to get the idea that I only use you for money that's why I'm always doing it for you", New paused, staring at Gun. "You're my best friend, and all I want to do is help you. But I think you should know that this isn't the proper way to help you".</p>
<p>Gun looked down at his feet, ignoring New's concerned eyes.</p>
<p>"I know what you're going through, but don't you think you should do some good for yourself at least once?"</p>
<p>"The bitch spoke some sense for once" Another voice had rung, occupying the four walls of their empty classroom. It was only 7 a.m, which meant they still had the classroom to themselves. They insisted on arriving to school earlier than the expected ring of the bell at 9 a.m so they could still catch up, and copy homework they missed out on, from their other classmates. </p>
<p>"He's right, Gun" Jane had sat beside Gun and New in the slightly-empty classroom, setting down her bag at the edge of the desk, where a hook had hung on the side to serve as a bag holder. "You shouldn't get used to free-loaning"</p>
<p>"I'm not free-loaning", Gun leaned his back against the chair, lifting his feet up despite Jane and New's protests, convincing him it wasn't respectful. But Gun insisted, kicking up his other foot on the desk, making Jane roll her eyes. "I insist on paying him back, but he doesn't want it, so that part's not my problem anymore"</p>
<p>New decided to not say anything. He knew that Gun had issues, so he didn't even dare speak up. He loved Gun. And he knew he had to help him at least in some way. Gun wasn't the type who would ask for help, he wasn't the type to open up and give a fuck whenever he knew he was screwing his life over. Both Jane and New thought it was hopeless for them to convince him about a brighter side in life, so they insisted on letting Gun be whatever he wanted. But both of them would be lying if they said they weren't worried about Gun.</p>
<p>"You should talk to them, you know", Jane decided to break the painful silence piercing between the three of them. "It's been so many years, Gun"</p>
<p>"No" Gun simply added. Knowing exactly what Jane was talking about.</p>
<p>"We all know they're the only ones who could help you"</p>
<p>"They broke me!"</p>
<p>"And sometimes the ones who break you are the only ones who know how to put you back together"</p>
<p>"In what way exactly?"</p>
<p>"They know where to put back the broken pieces they shattered", New broke from his silence. It made Jane stare at him. She wasn't used to her best friend speaking words of wisdom, especially towards Gun. He was always afraid. He wasn't afraid of Gun, but of the thought that he might be the one who breaks him even more. He knew Gun was close to the edge. And he didn't want to be the one to push him off. He started to be cautious around the fragile boy who had been masquerading as a brave soldier, when in fact, the boy had a heart that was as fragile as a sheet of ice.</p>
<p>"They broke me for no reason. I'm not going back to the people who only see the worst in me"</p>
<p>"Gun, they're your family"</p>
<p>Family. Gun had always thought about that word. And how it lost meaning over the years. Based on his definition, a family was supposed to accept you for who you are. They should be the people to correct your mistakes rather than make fun of you for it. He never felt that, and it made him question everything about himself. He used to think it was something about him. And it remained like that for him.</p>
<p>"And yet they couldn't act it like it", Gun paused, taking a deep breath.</p>
<p>Jane knew she wasn't in the place to tell Gun otherwise. It became the main reason why she decided to stay silent. New on the other hand, had a lot to tell Gun. But he knew Gun didn't need a pep talk. He didn't need them to give him a speech about forgiveness. He needed someone beside him, he needed a home. The home he'd been robbed of by his own family. And he wanted Jane and himself to be Gun's home.</p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>"So where does Gun Atthaphan want to treat us tonight, in exchange for the chemistry homework we tried so hard to get out of that Khao guy?"</p>
<p>It was already lunch time, but they all decided to eat their lunches in the classroom, as it required less effort than shuffling around a group of kids just to get a table for the group. Since New was close to their adviser, they were allowed to have their lunch there, as long as the cleaned up right after.</p>
<p>Mike and Fiat waited for Gun's answer to their question as they had been dying to get drinks from the beginning of the week. </p>
<p>"Don't push him, he might not be in that kind of mood again", Mond pushed past them to have a seat surrounding the long table they had borrowed from the accounting strand. They had to sneak into the classroom and engage in small talk with the accounting girls just to have a table that could fit all of them. It wasn't new to them anymore as it had become a daily routine already.</p>
<p>Gun wanted to avoid anything that required a lot of energy as much as possible. He'd promised them a night out but he didn't mean he was going to pay them right away. He tried to think of something immediately, in order to get him out of the situation. He had kicked Jane and New from under the table, both of them immediately getting what he meant.</p>
<p>"Oh, uh.. I have plans--" Jane blurted out of panic. Making Gun face palm as Jane failed to read what he really meant. </p>
<p>"I'm sorry, but I really do!" Jane turned to Gun, rolling her eyes as she looked away. </p>
<p>"Well Jane's out, anyone else up for a night out? Come on! It's Friday, and Gun insisted." Ssing yelled at the top of his lungs, stepping on the table that had their food on top of it. Making everyone curse at him, but also agree for his statement. </p>
<p>"Yeah, I've been dying for a wild night ever since Miss Panhan announced the upcoming group project earlier this week." Krist announces to the whole group, nudging Singto and Fiat who had agreed with him. Making Gun gulp. It's not that he didn't want to hang out with his friends, but he really just wanted to spend the rest of the day sleeping and forgetting everything else.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It's been a tiring week. Not only did he have to attend remedials, he also had to serve suspensions he'd been piled up with since the previous week had been a busy week for the school.</p>
<p>"Gun and I have plans."</p>
<p>Everyone turned to look at New who had been quiet ever since they got there, that no one even realized he was there. They glared at him, making him furrow his eyebrows at Gun. </p>
<p>"Mhmm, okay.. might I ask where you're going? Hmmm?" Mike questioned both of them, but they just stared at each other, not knowing what to answer. His eyes had widened as he started to think of situations, but he didn't have anything in his mind. </p>
<p>"Why the fuck do you need to know?" Gun but his lip as the group stared at him.</p>
<p>"So we'd know that you're not just saying that to bail on your payment" Mike smirked at him.</p>
<p>"I never specified a date anyway. Plus I wasn't going to bail on you"</p>
<p>"So.. you don't have plans tonight?"</p>
<p>"We do.." Gun trailed off as Mike reiterated his question from earlier. He didn't want to sound like a liar. Of all things he hated, liars, and lying itself had ranked number one on his list. And it pissed him off that New just laughed his ass off silently as Gun continued to think of excuses. It only took one sweep of a door opening when he found an answer to his question. Yet another thought had dawned upon him once he turned back at New. He gave him a mischievous smirk before looking at the person who had just entered the room.</p>
<p>"Tay!" Everyone shouted his name in unison, while waving at him. Tay smiled back at them as he continued to walk over to the group.</p>
<p>"Yeah, we have plans with Tay tonight", Gun yelled. slapping his hand on the table, catching everyone's attention.</p>
<p>Tay looked at him dumbfounded, widening his eyes as the group stared back at him with the same amount of confusion. It only took a glance as Tay figured out what was happening.</p>
<p>"Oh, yeah. We do actually." Tay sat beside Gun, swinging his arm around his shoulder as he stole a piece of Jane's soup dumplings, making her glare at him.</p>
<p>"Where are you going?" Mike continued to question them. Desperate to expose them of lying as he just wanted to party tonight. Fiat, Ssing, Krist and Singto however, had already given up, dismissing them with a nod of agreement.</p>
<p>"My mom invited Gun to have dinner with us, she's missed him." Tay casually spoke, like what he was saying was actually true. Gun froze in his spot as he informed Tay that he wasn't the only one he mentioned  had plans. Gun grew up in the same neighborhood as Tay. They had always been close even after Gun had moved out at the beginning of high school to live on his own.</p>
<p>"Oh, I thought New was coming with you?"</p>
<p>"Shit" Gun whispered to himself. But Tay carried on as if he hadn't been lying the whole time.</p>
<p>"Yeah, he is. Now stop asking.." Tay stood up, slapping Mike on the head as he kept questioning them non-stop. </p>
<p>Gun heaved a sigh of relief, only to feel laughter coarse throughout him when he saw New glaring at him with red cheeks with a flustered look. He shifted closer to the latter as the rest of the group carried on with another conversation. </p>
<p>"Fuck you.", New cursed at Gun, kicking him from under the table. No one knew but Gun, that New had been admiring Tay for too long. Neither of them knew when, nor how, but New had never kept his eyes off the charming boy ever since he started laying eyes on him.</p>
<p>"We're not actually going with him, are we?" New questioned Gun nervously. To which he only responded with a snicker, making New hiss at him.</p>
<p>New had noticed that Gun had been hiding the letter he'd received under the palm of his hand. It was a daily routine. He'd been receiving those letters ever since middle school, and yet no one knew who's been sending him those. No one knew why, as well. Not even Tay. Most of the letters only consisted of a few sentences. It was rare for Gun to receive a full letter. But it was obvious from the few lines that those letters had come from a secret admirer, someone who knew him well. He would find the letters in random places, like his bag, his pocket, sometimes even in the places he would keep close to him. It was hard to find who'd been sending him those letters. </p>
<p>New, and even Jane, had questioned why Gun would receive those kinds of letters.</p>
<p>Gun wasn't exactly the friendly type. He had a lot of friends. That was a fact that no one could even argue with. But it wasn't easy to befriend an arrogant, hard-headed and spontaneous Gun Atthaphan. He was the type of person who everyone would try to avoid. But he indeed had this charm, that despite his stubborn nature, was enough to catch a lot of people's attention. It wasn't unusual for Gun to receive that kind of treatment. In fact, he would be given at least 5 or 6 numbers a week from random girls who would see him scattered in the hallways. He never accepted them though. New thought there was something about that specific sender that had Gun hooked. That even though he wouldn't see Gun read them, he had a feeling that Gun had some sort of soft spot for the letters he was given.</p>
<p>Gun never let them read the letters, but they would catch a glimpse of the paper sometimes. He was sure that those letters were different from each other at least even a little bit. However, he was sure of one similarity. He used to think it came from different people, but the sender had always used the same closing note. It was impossible for the sender to be multiples of people. </p>
<p>He knew how private the latter was regarding the letters. He told his friends he stopped receiving them months ago since they would always tease him about it. And the way Gun had tried so hard to hide the letter gave him an idea he could use for revenge.</p>
<p>"Gun! That's a new letter isn't it?"</p>
<p>New's voice rung around throughout the entire room. Making everyone shoot their heads back at them immediately. The room went silent. Unlike how it was only seconds ago, the atmosphere had completely changed from chaos to absolute silence. Everyone turned to look at Gun, whose eyes had widened from the sudden announcement his bestfriend had made without his permission.  And without any further warning, everyone started to bombard Gun with questions, making him kick New on the shin with a faint whisper of "bitch".</p>
<p>"What did they say this time?"</p>
<p>"Didn't you say they stopped almost a month ago?"</p>
<p>"Okay, calm down guys. Gun isn't a celebrity that you could just act all paparazzi with.." New pushed through the crowd of friends that was forming along their side of table. Amidst the chaos that the group had been forming. Gun, however, was completely silent as Jane tried to calm the others down.</p>
<p>"Bitch, it was your fault. Don't even", Jane hits New on his arm, making him wince from the stinging pain that had began to climb down the rest it. </p>
<p>"But he started it!" New slaps Gun on the nape playfully as he sits back down. While the others were still bombarding him with questions about the secret admirer he's had ever since middle school.</p>
<p>"Do you not know who they are until now?" Mond turns to face Gun, who had only been staring at them the entire time. Clearly fed up as to why they had to make such a big deal about something so stupid.</p>
<p>"Honestly I don't give a shit. I still don't get why you haven't gotten the picture yet", Gun crosses his arms as he continues to stare at his group of friends. "And it's not like I'm curious about that person anyway. It could be anyone"</p>
<p>"Aren't you at least a little bit?" </p>
<p>"I couldn't give the slightest fuck. And you all know this is not new to me anyway"</p>
<p>"Considering how fucking hot  you are, of course you'd get used to it", Tay snickers. Making the rest of their friends follow along with him.</p>
<p>"But what if it's that Mild girl from class 6?" </p>
<p>Everyone remained silent as Ssing mentions probably the most popular girl in their school who had just been rumored to have been interested in Gun. It was never confirmed though. But the way she would act around Gun as if they were close, when in fact, they were in two different worlds, convinced everyone that Mild was chasing after Gun despite Gun's refusal, as usual.</p>
<p>"Hey!" Tay kicked the table, which hit Ssing's torso, making him release a loud whine from the pain. "Hands off my cousin".</p>
<p>Gun laughs at the absurd comments, as well as the idea that he'd be interested in Tay's cousin who had too much to brag about to say the least. Come to think about it. Gun had never been the type to even think about these things. He was too preoccupied thinking of other things. He was too busy pretending as if everything in his life was going fine. But the truth was, he wasn't even interested in anyone, not even the slightest. He didn't want to admit it to anyone, even to himself. But he's read every single letter he'd receive, and that it made him feel at least a little bit valued over the years. The person knew exactly how to get him into wanting to read more of the letters they'd send, that he'd wished it hadn't come from someone like Mild.</p>
<p>"It wouldn't come from her. It probably came from someone who's not as annoying and pretentious", Gun sits back in his chair. Making everyone shush him as he made a comment, as Tay was obviously listening to them shit talking his closest cousin. But they failed to act as if they didn't agree, despite Tay's suspicious glares at them.</p>
<p>"I have to agree, she is a bit annoying", Tay had leaned in closer to the group, whispering to them so no one else could hear it, making them, including Gun who had rarely laughed, crack out as Tay continued to talk shit about his cousin, telling them stories about random fuck ups she's done that had made her cry. He's always been protective of her, but he would be lying to himself if he said he didn't find her attitude a bit off. Especially since she'd have to threaten Tay to give her a ride every time she wanted to go somewhere, despite Tay's prior refusal.</p>
<p>Gun became silent once more until he heard the door open. The white classroom door swinging open as an unexpected person comes waltzing in as if he owned the place. Throwing his bag onto his desk, as he sat down. He was alone and had no one else with him, which made everyone give him a burning stare that could literally burn a hole throughout his entire body, so he thought. The boy who had just come in wasn't exactly the type of person that Gun and his circle of friends would approve of. In fact, he was the sort who they would try to avoid as trouble would only come to find them whenever Gun would come across the boy.</p>
<p>Gun noticed that the boy had left the door open after walking in. It didn't take him long to elicit the irritation coursing throughout his entire body. For years, every single thing that the boy did, had always annoyed him in all sorts of ways. It started from one comment about his history project back in their first years, which turned into a full-blown argument about the two boys. Ever since then, it hasn't stopped. The more Gun saw of him, the more he had hated him. He didn't know why, but he was just the type who would always try to get onto Gun's nerves. And he, of course, didn't step back.</p>
<p>Call him a war freak, but the only thing that Gun wanted to do was to straighten out the boy who had always given him a hard time to enjoy his high school days.</p>
<p>He stood up, leaving his friends on the table despite their prior disapproval. jane had been holding Gun down, and New was trying to calm him down. But despite their attempts in trying to calm Gun, neither of the two's attempts had been given acknowledgement. Despite the group's utter disinterest in the two boys' rivalry, they had always been curious as to why Gun hated the other boy. they thought it was only because of that one day in history class. But the truth is, Gun had been hiding something else from the group, as to why he had been hating the taller boy who had come from an opposite world from him.</p>
<p>"I won't stop you". Mond reached out to grab Gun's arm as he tried to warn Gun, "But calm down this time, won't you?"</p>
<p>Gun completely ignored Mond's warnings. The rest of them tried to show that they agreed with Mond, in an attempt to stop Gun and his bullshit agenda. But just like everything else in his life, Gun ignored it.</p>
<p>The short boy marched directly to where the boy had sat, crossing his arms as he landed in front of the boy who had been doing nothing ever since he entered the room. The boy merely reached out for his phone the moment he had sat down on his usual chair, only to be disturbed by an irrational Gun.</p>
<p>"Oh, hey Gun.. didn't see you there", The taller boy looked up and playfully smiled at his classmate of nearly 5 years standing with his arms crossed and a smile that was obviously fake as the boy had never even smiled the whole time he'd known him, "You shouldn't be fuming like that. You might use up the remaining energy that your body could be using to improve your height".</p>
<p>Gun's friends had always remained silent whenever Gun decided to blow things out of proportion. But they couldn't help but giggle silently whenever Gun gets blown off by the person who was clearly stronger and wittier than the former. Mond tried to silence the group as Gun wasn't much of a playful person during these times. He might throw it out on them, and Mond definitely didn't want that. He wanted Gun to stay as civil as possible with the few people he trusted.</p>
<p>"I think you should be doing something by now..", Jane shifted closer to Tay who had been watching his childhood friend take his anger out on the poor boy who continued to give him mischievous smirks.</p>
<p>"I don't think I should.", The boy leaned against his chair, deciding to continue watching the boys quarrel.</p>
<p>"So are you just waiting for them to kill each other?" Tay widened his eyes as he heard a soft voice talk to him in such a bitter tone. He rarely heard the boy raise his voice. He never even heard the boy speak to him, as a matter of fact. The only time he'd hear him talk was when he'd have conversations with some of their friends. But never him. And he had always wondered why.</p>
<p>"You didn't let me finish..", Tay redirected his eyes to look at the boy, "I don't think I should interfere---- just yet".</p>
<p>Tay swung his arm around the boy who had spoken to him. Trying to hide his flustered face that had been growing redder the more that he felt the heat that Tay was giving off. The former turned to look at the shy boy who froze in his seat and continued to stare at the commotion.</p>
<p>"I don't think I've ever heard you talk, New", Tay started leaning more into New as the latter tried desperately hard to shift away in order for him not to notice the growing heat on his face.</p>
<p>"That's because I rarely do, Sherlock", Despite the boy's quiet nature, Tay was surprised that the boy had it in him to snap at him. He laughed lightly. Smiling at the boy he had already grown fond of in only a matter of a few minutes.</p>
<p>New, however was silently panicking as the boy refused to let him go. Despite the knowledge that his bestfriend will probably get in trouble if he doesn't speak up, all he could focus on is the way that Tay's arm had been resting on his shoulders for what seemed like an eternity. They turned back to look at the shorter boy who was fuming at the other.</p>
<p>"You're aware that you left the door open when you came in, right?" Gun's voice remained calm as a sarcastic smile rested on is face. His eyes were wide. Sarcastically staring at the boy in a sweet manner as he pointed out the reason of their current interaction.</p>
<p>"Well, yeah. I was about to close it but there was no way I could get through your gigantic wall of a body", Tay and New couldn't help but snicker at the comment that the other party had just given the fuming boy. Gun had no absolute reason as to why he was even taking out his anger on the boy, which made it even funnier, the way he would just stare at him with furrowed eyebrows and a frustrated look on his face. "Why are you even so uptight about it?".</p>
<p>"Because it bothers me that you literally don't give a shit about anything else but your self", The comment itself made, not only the boy, but the rest of the class, even the ones who had just came in, stare at Gun with wide-eyes as he continues to speak.</p>
<p>"Yeah? And why should you be bothered by that? You don't have the right to be." The boy stood up. Looking down at Gun who was only up to his chest. But that didn't stop him from looking back up, and continue to stare at him the same way he always had, "It's not like you're the class president or anything".</p>
<p>"As a matter of fact, I am. If you had been paying attention to everything else but yourself then maybe you'd be aware."</p>
<p>"You? Who would even vote for you? You must have had your friends manipulate the number of voted you had"</p>
<p>The truth was, Gun himself didn't even want to be the president of the class. As a matter of fact, he had been refusing the whole time during the election. But being one of the most popular people of the group, the rest of the class loved him too much to even let him give up the opportunity of such power. He just had to accept it, to his dismay.</p>
<p>"Why are you so bitter about it? Because people pay attention to me, and not you? It's sad how you continuously try to paint yourself as a good person, when everyone knows just how fake you are".</p>
<p>"Maybe the only reason you hate me so much is because you just can't accept the fact that not everyone has to fucking give a shit about you. I don't have to care about you as much as everyone else."</p>
<p>With the boy's last statement, Gun cracked his knuckles with his fists that had remained tight the whole time he had been talking to the boy. The latter remained in front of him, he was stood as if he didn't even give a shit about their current situation. He was so calm that the only thing he did when Gun started to lunge at him, was stand with his arms crossed and an "I don't give a fuck" expression on his face.</p>
<p>"Hey dude! I didn't know you were there", Tay finally stood up, patting New on the head as he did so, while slowly approaching the ongoing commotion, as he waved at the taller boy. He gently pushed Gun aside, to which the latter dismissed with a shove as he began to walk back to the group. Tay had his arm around the boy as they walked away as if nothing had happened, with a final "see you later" to Gun as they began to immerse themselves in their own world as they started their own conversation.</p>
<p>Gun had stood in front of the table. If it weren't for Jane who had calmly sat him back down on his chair, he would have exploded once again. No one even dared to try and calm him down but Tay, Jane and New. They were too scared of ending up like the boy who Gun had always been lashing out on. And the truth was, Gun was too much of a good catch for a friend that none of them had even wanted to be in a conflict with him; in fear of losing a person like him. </p>
<p>"I don't even know why he still hangs out with him", Gun starts as he continues to watch his childhood friend talk to the person he had just fought with. Jane rolled her eyes, which earned a sigh from New. Everyone else had faded into their own conversations as Gun ranted about the boy to Jane and New, "He shouldn't have stopped me. I could have had him."</p>
<p>"Dickhead, you know they're bestfriends. You're not the only one that Tay should be caring about, you know? You've got to give him his freedom sometimes", Gun turned to look at New who had shocked him with his statement. He admits that he was a bit of a dick. But the other boy was more of a dickhead than he was, and he didn't understand why his friend would still stick up for a selfish prick like him. He's been friends with Tay since childhood, and he didn't understand why he suddenly started hanging out with the boy he hated as much as him.</p>
<p>He watched as both boys stood up from the desk, leaving their things behind. He assumed that they would be back since neither of the two had anything on them. The thought of the boy returning began to irritate Gun.</p>
<p>Tay noticed that Gun had been staring at them as they began to walk out of the classroom. The other boy however, had been teasingly glaring at Gun who had only been filled with anger towards the same boy.</p>
<p>"I'll be seeing you later.. okay?", Gun nodded as Tay approached him with a gentle pat on the head as he started thinking of one final comment he intended on throwing at the boy.</p>
<p>"Tay, you should take care of your friend if you're going out to the field under the scorching sun", Gun began, smirking slightly as Tay gives him a tired look, "Plastic melts from extreme heat.. "</p>
<p>Tay hisses at Gun for making such comment, trying to dismiss everyone's curious stares by dragging his best friend to the door with him. But despite Tay's attempts in stopping another fight, the boy quickly turned <br/>around before walking out the door.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"I think you should calm your tits, Gun Atthaphan. Big emotions aren't healthy for a tiny boy like you. You might become shorter than your shitty temper.."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"I think you should fuck off, Off Jumpol. That type of attitude doesn't fit a faker like yourself."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>this will be the last updates for now. I will be uploading soon, don't worry. i will try to upload every other day, to say the least, as I am not much of a dedicated person and I tend to lose inspiration quickly, but hopefully this fic will change it.</p>
<p>The support in this work will serve as my motivation. </p>
<p>ily</p>
<p>follow my twitter for updates @chnamon_bun</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <strong>3 - The Lone Little Swallow part 1</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>Present Day</strong>
</p><p>“What the fuck is this?” Gun refused to open the box that was resting on the floor next to his feet. He continued to stare at it, and how rugged and ruined it looked. It looked terrible, and was definitely not in good shape anymore, “It looks like it’s been caught in an explosion in world war 2”.</p><p>Gun hated the fact that he was presented with such an ugly thing in front of him. If this was their means of repaying him then he’d rather just continue doing what he was doing hours prior, he thought.</p><p>“Technically.. It has”, Jane paused, “And you haven’t even opened it yet, what’s your right to judge?”</p><p>The shorter boy froze. It made Tay stare at him, and wonder why he did so. He was probably taken aback by Jane’s sudden statement. But what they didn’t know was, Gun was starting to remember more of the memories he wanted to forget, the more time they’d spent with him. They were starting to feel hopeless, knowing Gun was never going back to how he used to be. He was never going to go back to being the normal Gun, the boy who rarely showed weakness, who showcased an uplifting demeanour that attracted everyone to him in a matter of seconds like a magnet. He was different now. Very different, that it made the two soldiers sigh in guilt, thinking it was their fault for leaving him unattended for too long.</p><p>Tay froze along with the former, along with Jane who had lost everything to say. They didn’t quite know how to tie back the loose ends that they left. They disappeared from Gun right after they graduated high school, without even a simple goodbye, nor an explanation as to why they were going away. They didn’t want to hurt Gun with their decision. At least, that was what they thought they were doing. But the truth was it pained the shorter boy even more, that he spent his college days usually partying with random classmates to battle the loneliness that had submerged his already broken soul.</p><p>Jane, however, was completely silent. But the more time she spent with her estranged friend, the more guilt she felt climbing up her throat, as if it was ready to strangle her. She remembered all the times she had spent with Gun, and all the promises she had said, but never kept. The faint pledges she’d tell him since they were young had always been haunting her, faint echoes of their voices ringing in her mind as she thought of him. She hated herself for fading away on him like that, even though she knew very well that Gun was a lost soul who only needed someone to light his way in the dark world he walked on.</p><p>It wasn’t until Jane had heaved a deep sigh when Tay noticed that she had tears streaming down her face, all of a sudden. He didn’t even wonder anymore, despite the fact that Jane was a tough woman, and that nothing made her cry. It was the heat of the moment as they faced the person they’d abandoned after 7 years that made Jane break down her walls. It was a no-brainer that Gun was the only person she would even cry about. Jane always had a soft spot for Gun, and no matter the time, distance, or place, she will always love him the same way she always had, ever since they met in the neighbourhood potluck when they were kids.</p><p>“I’m sorry..”</p><p>Her voice broke. But even though she was already choking up from the tears that built up at the back of her throat, she still managed to compose herself, not wanting Gun to see her weak like that.</p><p>Gun, on the other hand, remained as expression-less as he was the entirety of their visit. He was too tired, and frustrated to say the least, that he didn’t have it in him to muster up the energy to even give a shit anymore. He was done, and he was sure about that. He didn’t even acknowledge the fact that both of his childhood friends were already breaking down from the guilt. He was too numb to feel sorry for them.</p><p>“I’m sorry…” Jane repeated her last statement, but this time she was already choking up completely, making Tay bring his arm over her shoulder as they both choked from the guilt of leaving their best friend.</p><p><em>“You know, best friend break ups are always the most painful”</em>, Gun sighed at the memory from when they were kids. It was a time that both Tay and Jane had been dealing with harsh break-ups, but he couldn’t even begin to relate with them since he never had the time to engage himself in a commitment. His two friends had looked at him with a confused look among their tear-streaked faces.</p><p><em>“So if you’re going to keep ignoring me and the fact that I’m still here for you guys, then I guess you should consider preparing for a more painful heart-break”.</em> At that time, Gun had been attacked by two bodies who were crying non-stop, bombarding him with their pleas as to not leave them.</p><p>It was the same exact view the saw from that day…two of his friends crying over a lost relationship. And yet this time, he couldn’t even console them to begin with. He didn’t have it in him anymore to care about them, even though he knew deep inside that he still deeply cared about the two.</p><p>“Sorry can’t fix the fact that you two had completely abandoned me for 7 years ”, his two friends had looked up at him, hearing him speak after being too silent.</p><p>The two didn’t know what else to say. It was true. They abandoned him and didn’t even tell him when or if they were coming back; if it weren’t for the circumstances they were in now, they probably would have waited longer to visit him. Which made them break down even more since if it weren’t for Tay’s obnoxiously loud knock, Gun would have been done for.</p><p>They continued to stare at the boy without anything to say. It was silent for a few more minutes until Gun looked back at them with the same expression-less eyes, but this time, he had a little glimmer of hope in his eyes as he stared at his two friends, who served as his family the whole entirety of their friendship. But the boy hardly believed that they still felt the same for him the way they did back then.</p><p>They both shuffled closer to Gun who had been motionlessly sitting on his dusty couch which hasn’t been used in more than a month. The soft, brand new couch lined with yellow cotton had been completely covered with dust and fur bunnies. But Tay and Jane didn’t mind sitting on it knowing that the boy had little time to think about anything else.</p><p>The broken boy had looked at them. His two best friends had flushed faces and tear streaked cheeks as they tried to compose what they wanted to say. The silence was deafening. With only quiet whimpers and soft “I’m sorry’s” heard from the both of them as they tried to get through to Gun. But deep inside, they both knew that the boy had shut down a very long time ago, and that there was no way to get him to go back to the way he was anymore. It was hopeless, they thought. And it was mostly their faults.</p><p>Gun, who had only been listening to their whimpers and cries, began to look at them as he heard both of them call out his name.</p><p>“Gun”, Jane puts her hand upon Gun’s shoulder and began to look him in the eyes. As he stared back at her, he realized that he was not the only one who suffered through the years. He saw how tired the girl was. Her under eyes were almost completely black, puffing up along with the bags that surrounded the rest of her under eyes. Her glowing, bright skin was no longer shining along with the light that seeped through the window; in fact it had already dried up. It was evident from the way that the white lines had stayed on her skin when she tried to scratch it. Her shiny locks that were once highlighted with different shades of brown and had always been up in a messy bun was now dehydrated.  She didn’t look like the girl who took 5 hours to look presentable every morning anymore. Her smile had been faded as well. It was obvious how hard it was for her to smile when she got there, it was like she has been tortured every day prior to their visit.</p><p>The small boy turned away to look at Tay, who looked even worse than the former. His hair had always been shining from pomade that was ridiculously expensive. He always had on a jacket he’d wear every day that he’d received from his dad when he was still in the varsity team. His face used to be beaming with pride and positivity each and every day, but as he continued to stare at Tay now, he realized just how much of a different person he’s become ever since he came back. Their camouflage uniform had been framing them as strong and tough individuals, but as Gun looked closer, he realized how hard it was for them to keep up with the façade they had to put on in order to convince everyone that they were capable of saving them. It reminded him of a certain someone the more he thought about it.</p><p>The thought of that person had been flooding his mind ever since they came to his house unattended, and as Tay and Jane continued to cry all their guilt out, the more he remembered of them, even though he hated just how much that person had always occupied his mind. But the more tears his friends had been pouring, the more he was reminded of the person.</p><p>He heaved a deep sigh, as he shuffled closer between them and enclosing them in a tight embrace that told the two soldiers just how much Gun missed them. The three of them were too overwhelmed from the sudden showcase of affection as it had been something that they had been missing out on for so many years; an act of love. It overwhelmed them too much that the moment they began to embrace Gun tighter, the more emotion had overcome them. It’s no joke just how much they missed being able to show their emotions like that, and if they were to admit, it had been draining them each and every day, not being able to receive the same amount of love and care they were used to receiving. It was something they all had in common. But despite the moment they were having as of that second, Gun was still preoccupied thinking of nothing.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You don’t have to open it now, we don’t have the right to force you”, Gun shrugs as he hears Tay’s voice echo from the kitchen. They had the rest of their comrades bring groceries over since Tay wanted something to eat, and he wouldn’t accept anything that he didn’t cook. Jane, however, was beside him all the time, chopping the parsley that was going to be used as a garnish despite Tay’s disapproval.</p><p>They left Gun on the kitchen table to break the past noodles and whisk the heavy cream they brought over, trying as much as possible to get him away from any sharp objects. Before they began cooking however, Jane and Tay had volunteered to clean Gun’s wounds despite Gun’s hesitation. They managed to convince him, not wanting to repeat the same mistake they had for 7 years. It was painful to see the red and jagged slits that their best friend had inflicted onto himself in the hopes of being able to feel something. They wondered how he was able to take it, as the cuts had reached, not only his arms, but also up to his torso, and even down to his legs, without even the slightest reaction. It made them wonder how Gun wasn’t even flinching as they rubbed his newly opened wounds with disinfectant, and iodine. The fact that Gun was already used to the pain had them feeling more uneasy, knowing the boy probably had numbed himself in hopes of protecting himself.</p><p>His wrists were now wrapped in new gauze that they’d just bought, his hands shivering from the stinging sensation brought by the disinfectant they rubbed onto the open wounds.</p><p>“I told you not to chop it like that! You completely ruined the food art concept I was thinking about”, Tay yelled at Jane who had chopped the carrots the wrong way, “You were supposed to cut them into rounds, not slivers. God, Jane”.</p><p>Gun turned around to see his friends bickering, being reminded by the good old days, as he continued to break the pasta with his shaking hands.</p><p>“You know, you remind me of someone from back in high school”, Jane paused from chopping the carrots as she heard Tay’s faint whisper. He didn’t want Gun to hear it since he knows what happened, and he didn’t want to trigger more memories. Jane continued to stare at Tay as he kept pounding the dough he’d just made. His eyes were glimmering, as if he was about to cry once more. He didn’t want to, but the more he thought of it, the more that his heart had been shattering to pieces.</p><p>Jane looked down at the carrots she supposedly ruined, and back at Tay. She knew how much of an impact the person he brought up was to him, and made her remember of what she had already forgotten.</p><p>High school was never the best thing they had experienced, but being with people who understood them and cared for them made it less torturing. But it seems as though they’ve ruined it themselves, just like how it ruined them.</p><p>“Mike told me something earlier before they left, when they handed me the groceries”, Jane decided to transfer the carrots into a separate container in hopes for a future use, walking over to the fridge as she continued to talk to Tay, “He saw him”.</p><p>Tay immediately stopped kneading the dough despite the precise number of minutes he had to follow as he kneaded. He stared curiously at Jane with wide-eyes, as he felt his heart pound and his chest tighten at the mention of <em>him. </em>His breath hitched as he started remembering more of the boy. But his mind trailed back to the reason why he had to let the boy go.</p><p>“What’s he doing now?”, The man asked as Jane walked back to grab the rest of the carrots in the bag, “Is he doing well?”.</p><p>Jane nods. She had a sad smile resting upon her face as she recalled the conversation she had with Mike as he told her of his encounter.</p><p>
  <em>“He’s the manager of the restaurant across the grocery we went to just earlier”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“How is he?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Don’t tell Tay, but I talked to him”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What did he say?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Apparently he’s engaged”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jane’s heart stopped as she heard the news of her old friend.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“But besides that, he’s okay”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Who’s he getting married to?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“To some girl from class 6 back in high school”</em>
</p><p>She stopped listening the moment she heard the class she was in. All of their high school life, there was only one person from that class who had remained memorable.</p><p>“He’s fine”, Jane faked a smile, making Tay sigh of relief. That was all he had to know. And it delighted him to know that his first and probably last love was fine. Jane however had been expecting Tay to ask more questions like usual.</p><p>“As long as I know he’s doing well, I’m already contented”, Tay gives her a soft smile. A smile she hasn’t seen for so long.</p><p>Upon looking around the room, Jane spots a familiar looking paper that was framed with a black picture frame. The frame however had been lying on the floor, the paper covered in a bed of broken glass. From the looks of it, it had probably been there for more than a month, as it has been completely covered with dirt. She walked directly towards the broken frame, carefully picking up the piece of paper that had been buries in broken glass, and bringing it over to Gun.</p><p>“You still kept this?” Jane asked Gun, which made the shorter boy lift his head up to see the piece of paper in her hands. Tay sneaked a glance at the paper that was resting upon Jane’s hands, immediately rushing over to where she was and grabbing the piece of paper.</p><p>It was a poem, one that he had seen before for sure. It broke his heart, as his mind dwelled upon the memory of the person who Gun had got it from. The poem was a symbolism of Gun, at least that was what he was told. But he couldn’t help but feel connected to the poem as well, in a way.</p><p>He handed over the paper to Gun, who had been clueless the entire time. But the moment that Tay started reciting the poem perfectly without even having a glimpse of the paper, the memories came crashing onto him like a wave he’d waited to come for so long. Both boys feeling a sense of peace, and piece of home as they began remembering everything surrounding that one piece of paper.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“The lone little swallow…”</em>
</p><hr/><p>
  <em>
    <strong>last two weeks of junior year, 2012</strong>
  </em>
</p><p>“I told you I didn’t want to go!”</p><p>Gun kept dragging New with him as they walked over to the gate.</p><p>“First of all, it was you who told them we had plans--”, Gun got cut off by New who had been begging to go home ever since they got out of class. He tried his best to rush out of the room sneakily, knowing Gun would still take his time to have little chats with their friends. But to his dismay, it was as if Gun knew exactly what New had in mind, that the moment New was already half way out the door, he slung his arm over his shoulder with nothing but a smirk on his face.</p><p>“It fucking wasn’t me who told everyone we had plans with Tay, so why am I being dragged into it?”, New ranted, still trying to resist from Gun’s hold, but to his surprise, despite the boy’s small figure, he was shockingly stronger than him in a way that he couldn’t break out of the boy’s hold.</p><p>“You ratted me out! You coming with me is what you get for ratting me out like a little bitch”, Gun sneered at New who had a disgusted look on his face. The latter looked over at Jane who had been standing next to them the entire time.</p><p>“Aren’t you going to do something?” He whisper-yelled at Jane who was busy snickering at New’s torture. She merely side-eyed him as she waited for her family car.</p><p>“Well, Gun’s got a point. It was <em>your</em> idea. And you did rat him out”.</p><p>“I ratted him out <em>because</em> he brought up the Tay thing!”</p><p>“What’s your issue with Tawan anyway, he’s our friend and he’s a nice guy..” Jane tried to explain to New, but she didn’t know that the boy thought exactly the same. And that was the exact reason why he was so shy towards him. Jane would be lying if she said that she didn’t know about New’s little crush on Tay. He was the only one who refused to talk to him in their group. And she knew that it wasn’t just because New was a quiet person. She knew her best friend well enough to know that the boy was hiding something that was deeper than just shyness.</p><p>“That’s the thing…”, New was about to finish the sentence when Jane’s family driver had already beeped the horn of their SUV, which meant it was time for her to go.</p><p>“Where are you going anyway?” Gun called out to Jane after saying goodbye to them, to which she only responded by putting her hand up to her temple, forming a salute, before waving a last goodbye at the boys. He knew exactly what she meant. Her father had been forcing her to go to military training every day since she was kid, in hopes of getting her to enlist in the army when she gets to the proper age. Jane never wanted to undergo with the training, as she wanted to be an actress when she grew older, but since she came from a family of soldiers, she knew she had to follow her father and grandfather’s footsteps, as she was the eldest among her siblings.</p><p>“He’s taking forever, Gun, can we just g--” New started walking away. He was surprised that Gun let him go when he broke away from his grasp. But when he felt another arm that was much more stronger and tighter than Gun’s, it was the only time he realized why Gun had let him go with nothing but a sneaky smirk on his lips.</p><p>“Sorry I was late”, Tay smiled at New, who had been trying too hard to hide his flushed face. What he didn’t know was that Tay had been fully aware of his sudden flustered attitude.</p><p>They began walking out of the school and into the parking lot. With Tay’s arm wrapped around New, and Gun taking pictures of them from the back, quietly snickering at them. He tried his best not to reveal his best friend’s secret as much as possible. Even though they would often tease each other, Gun still had respect for his best friend’s privacy, because he knew just how fragile the boy’s self-esteem was.</p><p>“We’re not actually going to your parents’ house are we?” New turned to Tay who was surprised at how the shy boy had it in him to talk to him without even stuttering or a hint of hesitation.</p><p> “No”, Tay responded with a soft laugh, which made the other boy’s heart flutter, hearing the tiny giggle the boy let out. Unlike the wild roars of laughter he would hear the boy elicit every time he’d see him walk around the halls, “My parents aren’t home. They’re in the states. But only you and Gun know that. So keep it a secret, okay?”.</p><p>Tay whispered into New’s ears. It was a common excuse for Gun to use, that he was going to have dinner with Tay and his parents. But no one else knew but the two of them that his parents had been serving in the states for almost a decade now, up until now.</p><p>It was quiet walk across the field, as they were headed to the next gate that would finally lead them out of the school, and into the city. They were finally headed to Tay’s car when they heard a familiar voice call out to them from behind. It was nothing for the two boys in front, but for the short boy who wore an oversized, dark green sweater over his uniform that already made him sweat from the layers; it made his blood boil since it was the same annoying voice who yelled at him earlier.</p><p>“Tay, I was looking for you”. The taller boy panted as he finally reached Tay, running past Gun, and accidentally bumping into him. Making him yell a simple, yet loud, “You son of a bitch”.</p><p>“What’s wrong? You’re running away from Miss Panhan again?”</p><p>Off shushed Tay as he looked back , and around, in search of the student council and the adviser herself, Miss Jennie Panhan.</p><p>“They’re forcing me to join the spoken poetry exhibition the day before home coming, but I already have a lot on my plate, but they didn’t want to spare me”, Tay simply laughed at the boy who had been struggling with that problem ever since the start of High School.</p><p>Off was smart, very smart in fact, that literally the whole school had already booked him for a tutoring session, except for one person of course.</p><p>“So I’m guessing you want to come with us so you can escape?”</p><p>“Man, I think we really are soul mates, you can definitely read my mind, already”</p><p>Tay didn’t hesitate while asking the question, but it wasn’t until New tapped him on the cheek when he realized there was probably someone else who wouldn’t want him around.</p><p>“Why does he have to be everywhere we go, exactly? It’s not like he’s some baby you should be taking care of. He’s a grown-up man who can fucking handle the student council swarming over him”, Gun had his hands in his pockets, staring at the boy with a nonchalant expression, as he called him out.</p><p>“At least some of us can actually grow up, unlike someone here”, He looks down at the boy as he steps closer to him.</p><p>Gun was definitely drained from everything that happened today. He couldn’t even remember most of what he did, but suddenly, everything just came crashing down on him unlike how he was that morning.</p><p>“I don’t even have time for you. I’m too tired to handle a swine like you”, Gun walks away, shrugging the taller boy off, and heading straight into the back seat of Tay’s car which had just been opened.</p><p>“What the fuck is wrong with him this time?” Off asks Tay who had just been staring at the shorter who had just stormed off like that.</p><p>“He’s always like that”, New suddenly speaks out as he continues to stare at Gun who was already inside, fumbling on his phone, “He’s getting even worse now”.</p><p>New’s last statement left Off wondering more about the boy. That he started questioning just how much it bothers the boy. Their rivalry had gone on for so long that he didn’t even remember just how it started it. Bu the way tha the boy let him go for the first time, made him wonder just how bothered the boy actually was.</p><p>Tay asked Off to sit with him in the passenger’s seat but he insisted that he wanted New to sit with him despite his continuous resisting. Off wasn’t dumb to not realize that the boy was interested in his best friend. He was sure about the way that Tay treated him that he may be interested in him as well. So he wanted to give him a chance, even if it meant he had to sacrifice his comfort sitting in the backseat with an irrational Gun Atthaphan. The entire ride to the mall was just a mix of random outbursts from Gun, reprimanding Off for stupid shit. He saw through the boy, he knew that he was acting like that for a reason. Despite Gun’s reputation, he knew that the boy was just lonely.</p><p>Off had sparked an idea when he saw a little bird crash on their wind shield. It had a broken wing, and had been left by the flock that flew over the sky earlier. It made Tay stop the car. He instantly got out of the driver’s seat to retrieve the little shallow bird that had been left behind by his friends.</p><p>“That’s not how you fucking hold it”, Gun got out of the car as soon as Tay began picking up the little bird head first. They were all out of the car, checking on the bird, except for Off. The truth was, they were actually worried about the bird when Gun started holding it, claiming to have been holding it the right way. They were scared that Gun was a bit short-circuited to be handling something so fragile.</p><p>“You’re supposed to be holding it like this. It’s chirping too much because it’s hurt”, He gently slid his hand under the bird’s body. It stopped chirping the moment Gun had it resting on the palm of his hand, “See, it stopped chirping when you stopped hurting it”.</p><p>“How do you know how to handle animals? You don’t even function well with certain humans”, Off could hear Tay’s distant chuckle from outside the car. Gun was too busy taking care of the bird to hear Tay’s absurd ridicules.</p><p>“That’s because he’s exactly like it”, Off thought to himself. ‘It’s chirping too much because it’s hurt’, Off recalled Gun’s words. He found the boy similar to the little bird that fell onto their windshield. Ever since Gun was young, he’d already been left behind. Crashing onto the cold, dark world alone, with no one there for him. Off knew so much about the boy because Tay would tell stories about him even though it was against his own will. Tay cared too much about the boy to stay silent about it. And Off felt too sorry to even talk about it to other people. The little bird reminded him so much about the little boy who had despised him ever since. He knew how hurt the boy was from the world, that’s why he let him do whatever he wanted to him. He understood just how sad the boy’s life was, and he felt guilty that he would say too much about the boy whenever they would argue. Off saw Gun as a lonely little bird that lost his way, and that fact made him the way he was. And it made him feel worse that he couldn’t even do anything about it.</p><p>Off reached out for his notepad that Miss Panhan had given him.</p><p>
  <em>“Off, I understand that you don’t want to join the exhibition, but I want you to give it some thought”,  His teacher calmly explains to him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“But I don’t have the inspiration to begin with”, Off simply say with a sad smile at his teacher.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Okay”, Miss Panhan begins, taking a pocket-sized notepad from Miss Boonlapayanan, and handing it over to Off, “But if ever you find that inspiration, I want you to start writing right away”.</em>
</p><p>Off had found himself scribbling on the notepad, as he stares at the boy who had always captivated his interest despite the latter’s utter hatred towards the former.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <em> <strong>4 - The Lone Little Swallow part 2</strong> </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>&lt;p.s the poem at the end of this chapter was something I wrote 2 years ago when I literally had no one. I wrote it about the only person who’d been there for me during the times that I’d literally die rather than to continue something I didn’t even ask for in the first place. I guess I never fully moved on from that person. I still think about them at times. But i know deep inside that I’ll never really move on from that person since they were the first person to appreciate and accept me for who I am. I hope that person is doing well, and that one day we could meet again and have a normal conversation just like before.&gt;</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> <strong>continuation..</strong> </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Gun found himself third-wheeling on Tay and New as they walked around the shopping complex in search of the shop that Tay had to go to.</p><p>“Why are we here, anyway?” The short boy whines at Tay who had been ignoring him the whole time.</p><p>It irritated him that no one was paying much attention to him as Tay and New had only been talking to each other the whole time. It didn’t bother him that much, however, knowing how New had always been dying to talk to Tay despite his fear of humiliation. He was proud of New, and how natural he sounded with Tay. He didn’t look nervous, he didn’t even sound like he wanted to die from embarrassment. Deep inside, Gun knew how happy New was, which is why he barely just shrugged it off when he didn’t even get an answer from Tay despite his previous inquiry.</p><p>“He won’t hear you”. A voice chuckles at him, the boy walking to his side as he begins to tease him once more.</p><p>Despite the latter’s irritable nature, he found it amusing how patient the boy was beside him, this time. Usually he would snap back at the boy almost instantly, but this time, he didn’t do anything but roll his eyes at him. The taller boy thought he had begun maturing already, but deep inside, he knew that they boy was just tired, seeing how he was treated the whole day. He’d be swarmed with multiples of classmates who weren’t even interested in anything about him but his reputation, talking to him as if they were close, the teachers always calling him out for being a troublemaker, especially since he missed out on two classes that day, earning another sermon from Jane. He also wondered how she was able to tolerate the boy despite his uneasy nature. Off considered Jane as someone who was out of Gun’s league, as the girl was an over-achieving top-notcher who was most likely going to be the valedictorian of their year, alongside New, who was as bright and intelligent as her. He found it unusual how they were able to tolerate a trouble-maker such as Gun. But his answers were answered when he realized how long he’d been staring at the boy.</p><p>“I’m jealous of them, they seem to like each other very much”, Off began speaking. The shorter boy turned to look at him with a confused stare as this was the first time that he didn’t try to annoy Gun. He was hesitant at the moment, wondering what the taller boy was playing at, but he dismissed it with a sigh as he was too drained from a whole week of torture to even think of something to be mad at him about.</p><p>“Maybe if you weren’t annoying me the whole time, you’d already have someone you like by now”</p><p>It was a few moments of silence, until Gun finally spoke up. He had a nonchalant manner resting on his face as he talked to the boy, which surprised the latter as he rarely sees the shorter talk to him this calmly. Off felt his chest tighten at the sight of Gun’s calm face. He was scared to say the least, he always wanted to see the boy like this, and he was scared of wanting more of it, because deep inside, all that Off has wanted was for Gun to see better in him and not just some annoying classmate he’s hated since middle school.</p><p>“Who says I don’t?” Off was busy still writing on his notepad to realize that Gun had turned to look at him as he spoke, “I’ve already found someone a long time ago”.</p><p>“Look, they’re talking”, Tay turns around as New whispers to him that the boys behind him are having a civil conversation unlike the usual interactions they would have, “That’s a first”.</p><p>At first...Tay and New had tensed up at the sight of the two talking, but they almost immediately relaxed when they saw how relaxed the two boys’ expressions were.</p><p>“Let’s just hope it doesn’t end too soon--” New’s sentence was immediately contradicted the moment he heard Gun yell at Off before shoving him, making the boy tumble over the edge of the mall’s fountain.</p><p>“It’s not my fucking fault that you’re too annoying for that person to like you back!”, Gun yelled back at Off who was as shocked as Tay and New were. He feels like it was too late for them to have a civil relationship with each other, he thought. The thought of it made him even more uneasy as Gun was already starting to be manageable, and he was already starting to like it.</p><p>Gun continued to throw random insults at Off, while the latter just stared at him, not knowing what he did to trigger the sudden outburst. Tay and New, however, were done with the short boy’s unreasonable behavior towards Off. They thought it didn’t make any sense how he could have so much hatred towards someone who merely just expressed his opinion at him back in their first years, but for Gun, it was literally something bigger. He was intimidated at how Off was better at everything he does. He was overwhelmed at how everyone liked Off as much as him, how he was smarter, and much more approachable than him. For Gun, his reputation was the only form of appreciation and love he’s received. He had more reasons why he despised Off so much, but the rest is history.</p><p>“What if I told you that you have something to do with the reason why they don’t like me back?” Off broke from his silence. He had his hands in his pockets as he began to talk back at the fuming boy who uttered nonsense insults at the boy. The shorter boy had stopped, only to stare t the boy with a glare. He hated being blamed for something he knew he didn’t do, it was all that he’d felt his entire life. Without any prior thought whatsoever, he stepped his right foot forward, grabbing Off’s forearms and lunging at him with anger. The taller boy felt himself falling backwards from the weight that the shorter had put upon him. By instinct, he held onto the shorter boy’s shoulders, making him fall back with him, submerged by the cold water from the fountain’s pond.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t even know what to say to the both of you anymore”, Tay continued walking with New, not turning back as he scolded the two boys for their immature acts, “It’s the second time that you’ve done this. Do you know how much I begged my dad just to get you back in here? They should’ve banned you a long time ago”.</p><p>Tay’s family owned the entire shopping complex, and it wasn’t the first time that Gun had created chaos because of Off. The first time was an argument they had when they saw an item they both wanted in the department store. Tay’s dad had warned Tay of bringing them back there, telling him he was going to ban the two from ever going back. But Tay began to reason with his dad, explaining that it will never happen again. But to his dismay, it did.</p><p>“They’re never going to get along”, Tay whispered to New. Despite being the first time that the two boys had hung out, they both felt a sense of connection from each other that made them bond faster. For some reason, New was much more confident in the presence of Tay, and the latter however, had become more gentle, unlike his normal wild self.</p><p>“You’re wrong”, New smiled sadly at Tay, “It’s Gun who can’t get along with him. I saw how Off was trying to be civil with him earlier, it’s him who can’t accept Off”.</p><p>They both sighed . Both of them knew that the two could make good friends, if only Gun could be more understanding. But the truth was, Gun was insecure towards Off. They both had a lot in common. But maybe that’s what made them hate each other so much, because they reminded each other so much of themselves, the two boys thought.</p><p>“Do you think they’d ever try to be friends at least?” Tay asked New with a hopeful expression, to which New simply replied with a scoff.</p><p>“You know Gun. You should know him better than I do. We’ve only been friends since kindergarten. You two have been friends since nappies, technically”, New jokingly hits Tay with his elbow. The latter surprised at how comfortable the former was with him despite his shy nature.</p><p>“I guess it’s hopeless then”, Tay sighed, “Knowing Gun at least”.</p><p>“Let’s just hope Off can change him, then”, New smiled. He wasn’t even a bit hopeful at the thought of Off and Gun being friends, but he had at least a little bit of optimism at the thought of Off saving Gun from the dark mind set he was in.</p><p>Both boys turned to look at the two from behind them who were walking after them. They were both drenched in water. They had removed their drenched school blazers which hung on their shoulders as they walked. They were just about to reach the car when a slim figure blocked Tay from opening the door.</p><p>“Bitch, you’re late!” The girl with highlighted tip on her hair who had blocked their way had her hands upon Tay’s chest as she reprimanded him for being late.</p><p>“How the fuck am I supposed to know that you’d be here”, Tay pushed past her, opening the driver’s seat and turning the engine on, “Sorry, but I can’t drive you. I have company”.</p><p>The girl turned to look at New, who had been shyly hidden behind Tay the entire time.</p><p>“Hey! I didn’t know you’d have it in you to be friends with a loser like him!”</p><p>Gun heard the girl’s voice, thinking she was probably talking about New. He didn’t have the greatest reputation in school. But it only made Gun angrier at the fact that the most popular girl in school had to point it out.</p><p>“Who the fuck gave you the right to call New a loser?” Gun stepped closer towards the girl who had a rumoured interest in him. He had a glare on his face, which didn’t bother the girl, even at least the slightest bit.</p><p>“Gun, don’t” Off had grabbed Gun by the arm, which surprised the latter, giving him a wide-eyed expression as the former held his arm tighter.</p><p>“Mild!” Tay reprimanded his cousin for making the shorter boy mad. He didn’t want to be in more trouble than they already were.</p><p>“Oh my gosh, P’Gun!” Mild says enthusiastically, the smile on her face never leaving as she saw the boy in front of her, “I didn’t notice you were there!”</p><p>“And I was talking to New, you must have gotten the wrong idea”, She explains as the smile stays on her face despite Gun’s angry expression. It made him even more bothered at the fact that he completely misunderstood, along with the fact that Off still had his hand wrapped around Gun’s arm.</p><p>“Who the fuck are you calling a loser!” Tay yelled, while New giggled alongside Mild for making fun of her cousin. Gun, however, was completely irritated at how Off was still trying to control him with the tight grip on his hand. He wasn’t even bothered at how Mild continued to flirt with him as she threw insults and jokes at Tay. He was preoccupied at the fact that the person he hated the most wasn’t even thinking of letting go of his hand.</p><p>“Uh, hey P’Gun, do you mind if I joined along with you guys? I was thinking of going home with Tay tonight.” Mild explained to Gun, which earned her a slap on the head from Tay.</p><p>“It’s not even his fucking car! Just because you like him, doesn’t mean he has to be the center of your entire world, you witch”, Mild rubbed the back of her head, punching Tay for exposing her like that.</p><p>Off had loosened his hold at Gun’s arms as he heard what his best friend had just said about Mild. They didn’t even realize that Gun had already walked away from them the moment Off let go of his hand.</p><p>“Gun?” New was the first to notice amidst the fits of laughter he wasn’t able to control. He turned to look at Tay, then at Off, who didn’t even have to think before running after the shorter boy who had caused him too much trouble already.</p><p>“Off!” Tay yelled, reaching to grab Off’s arm to pull him back, but he was stopped by New, “How could you just let them be alone together? Gun might kill him.”</p><p>“It was Off’s idea to follow them. Let them fix their own problems for once”, New explained to Tay as he guided Mild to the car with him. Tay looked back at the direction the two boys went, hoping it wouldn’t end bad for the both of them.</p><p>Gun walked briskly, shaking from the cold air from his wet uniform. He had his attention on the road he was walking on, looking at the passing cars and glimmer from the street lights from time to time. He had his head down, still feeling uncomfortable from what just happened. He didn’t know if it was because of the joke that Tay was telling, or if it was because of how Off’s hands felt warm around his despite the cold air. He lifted his hand, beginning to stare at it. It was shaking, for some reason. He didn’t know why, all he knew was the pressure of the hand that had previously held it was still there.</p><p>He shook away the ridiculous thought. He’s never felt that way before, he never wanted to. But when he thought more about the feeling of Off’s hands, the more that the boy had occupied his mind. He lifted his head up, staring at the crowd of people that had surrounded him on the street as he walked back home. Back home to the place that didn’t even feel like it. He lived alone for almost 4 years now, he never admitted it to himself, but deep inside he always felt like he wanted someone to be there with him. His mind went back to Off, and the way his hand had made him feel like he wanted to hold onto it a little bit longer. Just the thought of it made his heart start beating faster, his mind was racing at the sole thought of Off.</p><p>“I hate him”, Gun whispered to himself. It made him feel worse than he was already feeling. It was too much to think about, when in fact, he already had too much to think about as of the moment. Such as his possible suspension, his overdue English project, and the fact that it’s been 3 years since he last spoke to hi family. The only person he could even consider as family by now was his dad, but he rarely ever visits him, thinking it would make it harder for Gun if his mom found out. With that in mind, he began to thought that maybe he did need someone. He’d been alone for almost his entire life, that the thought of having someone didn’t even enter his mind, he never had the time to think of it.</p><p>Loneliness is something that makes you feel empty despite the fact that there are plenty of people around you. It submerges into you fast enough, that you don’t even have the time to call out for help. The moment it finds you, you’ll be finding yourself drowned in it before you could even elicit a sound. The harshest fact about loneliness is the fact that you want somebody to be there with you, but you feel as if they’d be better off without you. It’s something that Gun had felt his entire life, and he knows for a fact that he will never get out of it soon enough.</p><p>It’s the sad truth that he’s learned, too much of a burden for a 17 year old boy.</p><p>
  <em>“God damn it”</em>
</p><p>His thoughts had been disturbed by a deep, and husky voice that came out of nowhere all of a sudden. It made him panic since it was literally almost curfew already. He kept walking, despite the fact that he was already panicking. He reached into his back pocket to take out the pocket knife he’s always been carrying, but to the boy’s dismay, he couldn’t feel the rough handle of it anywhere.</p><p>“Is this what you’re looking for?” He felt a sudden touch on his left hand, making him shriek from panic. He turned to look at the same boy who had been occupying his mind just a while ago. The boy had been completely focused on the notepad he was writing on as he continued to walk. He had his other hand against the palm of Gun’s hand, holding the item he’d been looking for earlier. Gun snatches it from the other boy’s hand, intimidated at the soft feeling of his hand against his.</p><p>Off continued to write in his notepad as they walked alongside each other, along the alley that both boys are already too familiar with. It was the usual way home, that Off didn’t even have to look at the direction he was going anymore to know that he was walking the right way.</p><p>They continued walking in silence as Gun was too overwhelmed to even pick a fight with Off. He was bothered, however, at the fact that Off was continuing to write in silence. He didn’t know why, but for some reason, he wanted Off to start picking on him, rather than continue to walk in silence as he wrote on his notepad.</p><p>He turned to look at the notepad that the taller boy was holding, wondering what made Off more focused on it.</p><p>“What the fuck are you even writing about?” Gun exclaimed, but the boy continued to write as if he didn’t hear the younger boy’s curses.</p><p>Gun looked at Off, dumbfounded, insulted at the fact that he had just been ignored. He began to think that the boy was writing something bad about him again, since he was part of the school paper. He remembered a certain memory from their freshmen years when Off was pissed at Gun, that he wrote about him in an article. He humiliated him to the whole school that he started to think that it was the same scenario all over again.</p><p>“Are you fucking writing about me again? Is that why you’re so quiet?” Off sighed at the younger boy, having to look down from the notepad as he thinks of a response.</p><p>“Aren’t you ever tired of picking up a fight with me? At least take a fucking break from it every once in a while”, the boy had a tired expression on his face. It made Gun more furious at the fact that his question hasn’t been answered.</p><p>He looks at Off, with hatred in his eyes as he grabs the notepad from his hands.</p><p>“What the fuck are you even writing about again?” He repeats his question, hiding the note pad behind his back, “You hate me that much, do you? You hate me so fucking much that you just want to ruin everything for me?”.</p><p>Off tried to grab the note pad, but was instantly pushed back by an angry Gun.</p><p>“Why the fuck do you hate me so much?” Off growled, “You just love blowing it out of proportion, do you?”</p><p>“It would help if you aren’t so full of yourself!”</p><p>“Not everything is about you!” Off yelled back, “Why do you always think like I’m out to get you?”</p><p>“Because you are!” Gun answered, with the same amount of spite as ever, “You just love to make me look bad”.</p><p>“You come at me first, you asshole. If it weren’t for self-defense, I wouldn’t even be interacting with you since I don’t even give a fuck about you and your edgy fucking mind set ”.</p><p>Gun had remained silent from what he just heard from the older boy. For some reason, he just found himself staring back at the boy after telling him that he didn’t care about him.</p><p>The older boy turned back furiously as he began to walk away from Gun, but the latter remained frozen on the dark pavement that was only lit by a dim street light.</p><p>“I know that you have a reputation, you’re probably used to everyone liking you”, Off spoke up, his voice vaguely audible, but Gun heard it loud and clear, “But news flash, Gun, not everyone has to fucking care about you. So don’t fucking blame me for not caring about you as much as everyone”.</p><p>That was the last thing he heard from the boy before he walked away. He admits that he didn’t have a clear reason as to why he hates Off so much. The boy always acted cool whenever he would yell or even scream at him. This was the first time that Gun saw him elicit as much anger at him. It hurt him for some reason, but he denied the fact that he was affected even at the slightest bit because of the boy.</p><p>He felt the rough texture of the notepad against his hand. For some reason, it reminded him of the other boy’s hand. He shook away the thought as he raised his hand slightly to see the little notepad he took from Off. It had been completely ripped from page to page, but thankfully, the pages he had written on was still readable.</p><p>It was a poem. He’d at least have written about 7 pages or so. It made Gun feel guilty, since it was probably his entry for the spoken poetry exhibition. He’s been paying attention to what the boy said earlier, to his surprise. And for some reason, he felt a pang on his chest as he continued to read the poem that the taller boy had written. It didn’t seem like something that the taller boy would feel personally. It felt like he had to reach into something much more deep to his heart to be able to draw out the inspiration into the poem.</p><p>Gun felt one with the poem, for some reason. It made him feel like it was about him, up to this day.</p><p>It scared him.</p><p>It scared him too much, that the repetitive words from the poem had completely wrapped around his mind. It continued to ring in his mind the moment he drifted off to sleep as he crashed onto his bed, remembering every word that Off had written onto the ripped pages, and how his words gave him a little bit of hope, that one day, he would be able to see sunshine.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>‘The Lone little Swallow that’s lost in flight.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He strives to flow with all his might.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He tries and tries to regain his pride,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The Lone Little Swallow’s prayer at night.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>A Lone Little Swallow stuck in the rain,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A small shallow bird that’s lost its way.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He lost all his joy, and all he has to say,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The society had muted him, day by day.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>A Lone Little Swallow, crippled in the dark,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Drowning in his tears, and the pieces of his heart.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Their ignorance and expectations, had been stabbing him like shards,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The Lone Little Swallow had nothing left on his part.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>A Lone Little Swallow, in the wind that sways,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Blinded by the despair he is bound to pay.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘Til the lone little swallow finally crashes one day,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Hurt and desperate in the pouring rain.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>The Lone Little Swallow didn’t know what to do,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He was lonely; lost. Had nowhere to go to,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A Lone Little Swallow near the brink of extinction,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>In his heat, he believes that all hope had gone.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>A Lone Little Swallow, stuck laying on the ground,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Waiting for father death, to make his bound,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He waited, and he waited, ‘till he heard the sound,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The sound of silence, so deafening and loud.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>The Lone Little Swallow, put in despair to wait,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He believed it was indeed far too late,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘Till a light shined upon him, he saw the smile of the Sun,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The smile that clarified he was worth wasting light upon.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>The ever-glowing flower placed his hand upon its wing,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His ever-glowing light gave her joy that stinged,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The Lone Little Swallow who once lost his ability to sing,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>With the help of the Sun, came back his beautiful hymns.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>The Little Swallow soared, now higher than before,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He soared so up-high, he felt like he’s now something more,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He stared at the sun, so happy up above</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And now he’ll spend his life gliding with the sun that taught him of love.  ‘</em>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i reflected a lot through gun in the last two chapters, so much that i had to put the poem at the end to spare my sanity.</p><p>Thank you for the little support that you’re giving me on this fic, I didn’t really expect people to read this, but I would really like to thank you for giving me the motivation to continue this tragic mess of a work.<br/>hope you enjoyed this word vomit even though it's literally.... vomit. char.<br/>ily, keep safe.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>5</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Present day</strong>
</p><p>"Do you remember the letters you'd receive in high school?"</p><p>Gun kept his head down, still holding the piece of paper in his hands. His eyes scanning the poem he completely forgot about. It's been a few years, but he still felt a connection through that poem.</p><p>The room had gone silent, nothing but the calm and slow breaths that Tay and Jane would take every once in a while as they quietly prepared a meal filled the entire room. Gun's breaths, however, hasn't been the steadiest. For a while now, he's felt a tightening sensation throughout his chest as he read the letter containing the memories he'd vaguely remember through the years. A sweet sound of a haunting voice would fill his mind every once in a while. The utter mocks and joking comments of the boy drove him insane. He wished he had been more patient with the boy. He didn’t know exactly what he felt for the boy, but as he began thinking of it earlier, as he set his mind on the one thing that stood before him, he swore to himself that what he felt wasn’t as simple as what he thought.</p><p>He continued staring at the stained paper that hung on his wall for years. It was the only thing he had left of him. He refused to admit to himself that the boy had been occupying his mind too much, as he had other things to think about. But he would be lying to himself if he said he hasn’t thought of the boy through the years.</p><p>“Why does it mean so much to you?” Jane called out from her side of the kitchen, “From the last thing I heard, he was the epitome of what you considered as hell”, the girl chuckled, remembering every single argument they had in high school. She wouldn’t consider it as “arguments”, as Gun mostly talked shit while Off would just listen and give unnecessary comments, but it was a part of their childhood that she admittedly didn’t want to let go of. It was the first time she saw Gun act like himself. Unlike with other people, Gun would try to act as someone they like in order to please them, but with a certain boy called Off Jumpol, he was always his natural self, even if it meant the worse.</p><p>She couldn’t recall a day when Gun would act civil with Off, but it had been a treat for literally everyone when one day they just began talking as if they didn’t hate each other.</p><p>She wondered if the short boy had ever felt different towards the person he hated so much throughout all the years of hating him so much. But suddenly, a memory just started dwelling upon her almost instantly. It was like a wave had crashed upon her, a wave that brought so many memories she herself had tried to swerve away from multiples of times. A wave that got her mind crashing back to a petite girl that managed to make her quiver with just the thought of her.</p><p>The thought of high school made Jane think about her after so many years.</p><p>High school wasn’t something that everyone wanted to remember, but it was also one of those things that would always remain in your heart forever. Even though it was as if you’ve been dragged across hell, the memories it brought would forever be engraved into your mind no matter how shitty it was. It resembled the person in her mind so well,</p><p>“I guess you’re still wondering why we’re here”, with Tay’s voice, Jane’s thoughts came to a pause, to which Gun just shrugged in response. “I guess not”, Tay whispers as he stares at the boy who still had the piece of paper in his hands, “I remember when he performed on that day”, Tay chuckles at the memory, trying to show no hints of the previous ones he had of the boy, “the bastard was nervous as hell”.</p><p>Gun stopped staring at the paper, putting it down as he slowly shifted his eyes towards Tay. It was kind of the first time he saw Gun like that ever since they got there, since he didn’t show any expression at all the moment they got there. This time, Gun’s eyes were wide, staring directly at Tay and Jane as if something had been ignited in him after so long.</p><p>Tay sighs at the thought of Off, looking back at Gun who’d been the only one who got through to him.</p><p>“He almost couldn’t continue on with the exhibition, you know?” Tay smiles at the memory.  He missed the times when the most absurd little things would make them nervous. At this point of their lives, they couldn’t even take their time to even think of their problems to be nervous about it. Problems would just keep crashing upon them with no remorse whatsoever, that they couldn’t find the time to even panic.</p><p>Adulthood happened to both Tay and Jane in just a blur of a moment.</p><p>“But didn’t he win first place?” Jane turned to look at Tay, who also had the same glimmer in her eyes; a glimmer of hope. Hope that by reminiscing through these memories, they would get the same amount of happiness as they did back when they were still witnessing it first-hand.</p><p>“Of course he did”, The boy paused once again, “He just took a glance at Gun, took a breath and fucking nailed that spoken poetry”, Tay and Jane could be seen giggling at the memory, including the fact that before Off could even perform, he tripped on the platform, dragging all the microphones and different wires that were on the stage. Gun, however, had froze once again, as he began to question if he heard Tay’s words correctly.</p><p>“Heyo!!” as if the day wasn’t already full of surprises, Gun heard the voices of his old friends who previously left to get groceries. They came crashing onto Gun’s couch one by one, when he saw a new face enter the room, “Look who happened to be walking in the same pavement as us”.</p><p>The girl was dressed in casual-formal clothing, sporting a black and white skin-tight dress with trimmings of pink all around it. It made everyone stare at her, trying to remember who the girl was back in high school. She was indeed out of place, as everyone else had on neutral and monotonous colors, while she was bursting in color and personality. It wasn’t until she removed her designer branded glasses when everyone beamed from excitement when they remembered who the girl was.</p><p>“Janhae!” Everyone came to tackle her in hugs, and despite her dainty looking nature, she allowed her old friends to hug her despite the others’ heavy, and dusty-looking uniforms.</p><p>Every one of them in the room had been asking her questions, as it had been years since they talked, and considering as she was already part of the show business, everyone had so many questions. They were all beaming with enthusiasm as they realized that the shy girl in high school had grown to be a successful and independent woman who even had her own directorial debut already, except for two people who were frozen in their spots at the back of the room. </p><p>Janhae noticed the two figures standing upright at the far-end of the room, walking up to them after giving Gun a comforting hug.</p><p>“Hey”, she spoke to the boy standing next to Jane, who was avoiding her eyes as she tried to speak to him, “Ssing, c’mon, it’s been years, at least give me a hug”.</p><p>Ssing kept his stance, as he felt his chest tighten as he instantly relaxed at the sensation of Jan’s hand on his shoulder. Jane noticed how tense the boy was. She would see him tense up during their trainings, but she never saw him like this. It was like he had seen a ghost, which he technically did.</p><p>“I’m sorry”, Jan stepped forward, bringing her body closer to the tense boy as he continued to freeze in his spot. He couldn’t move, or even speak. He could barely even move his eyes as the memories from high school began flooding back. But he couldn’t deny the fact that he’d always have a soft spot for the girl right in front of him, as he begins to bring his body closer to her, relaxing in a tight embrace, and desperate whimpers of ‘I’m sorry’ as they cried into each other.</p><p>Jane had been watching the two for a while now, recalling how much their relationship had deteriorated ever since that one night.</p><p>Ssing was never the type to break down like that, but considering the past they had, it was hard for him not to.</p><p>The boy slowly broke out of the embrace, rubbing Jan’s head, making her look at Jane, who’d been staring at her the whole time.</p><p>“I’ve missed you”,  Jan ran up to Jane who had only continued to stare at her as she rebuilds the lost connection between her and he old high school best friend.</p><p>Jane couldn’t help but release a shaky breath when she sees the girl tear up. It must’ve been a draining day for all of them. It didn’t take her long to swing her arms around Jan’s figure, bringing her into a tight embrace.</p><p>“Sorry that I couldn’t bring her”, Jane pretended not to understand the other girl’s sentiment, but she only did that to prevent herself from breaking again.</p><p>She looked around at everyone who had been talking to each other as if it hasn’t been 7 years, she didn’t want to ruin the day for the rest of them. Even though the whole circumstance was nothing but a mere consequence that they just happened to be preoccupying Gun as he nearly killed himself earlier. It was a good excuse to reconcile as well, she thought, maybe if he was preoccupied enough maybe he’d forget about it completely.</p><p> </p><hr/><p>“Remember that one night during the farewell party?”</p><p>Gun was overwhelmed at the number of people that had come to visit him that day, it was like they knew exactly what he was about to do, that they tried to do something to stop him.</p><p>“Yeah, when we had a little game?” Mike chuckled at the memory. It was something like truth or dar, but they designed it as something to help them with their future careers as most of them were still confused as to what they wanted to be in the future. Most of them who answered really went for their goal, which made Mike and the others laugh, since most of the people in the room didn’t even think of becoming what they were now.</p><p>“What did you answer?” Mike shot the question at Jane, who took a sip of her water as they tried to bring back that night in high school.</p><p>“You’re really bringing that up at 9 a.m in the morning?” Everyone agrees, wondering what the fuck they were even doing in Gun’s flat at that time of day. But suddenly, their faces fall into a frown, bowing their heads so Gun won’t see, as they remembered the exact reason they were there, and why they were taking as much time as possible before they could tell Gun.</p><p>“What did you answer, Gun?” Janhae tried to lighten up the mood, she wasn’t as clueless as Gun, however. It wasn’t much of a coincidence that she found herself in front of Gun’s building that morning. The short boy looked at his friends, who were waiting for an answer. Despite his utter disinterest, he didn’t want to disappoint his friends.</p><p>“I don’t know”, there was a moment of silence before Gun could answer. They tried to be less rude as they reacted to his answer, knowing very well what the boy had been through his whole life.</p><p>“I heard you’ve been taking up Psychology”, Chimon followed along with the conversation, trying to lighten up the mood as much as possible, “I also heard you’ve been chasing for a PHD”.</p><p>“Where did you hear that?”</p><p>“Mom would write to me. She wonders about you sometimes”, Gun turns away from Chimon, which earned the latter a slap at the back of the head from Tay. They all knew how sensitive Gun was at the mentions of family, and he was disappointed at Chimon for mentioning it. He thought that Gun’s own cousin would understand what the boy has been through. But Gun knew that Chimon had good intentions, as he and his mother were the only ones who kept in contact with him.</p><p>“Well, I did try for a PHD”, Gun says, once again with an expression-less tone, unlike his previous statement where he was obviously caught off guard.</p><p>“Did?” Mond spoke out from the other side of the room, “So you stopped?”.</p><p>Gun didn’t do anything but give them a slight nod, going back to his current motionless state. He began to stare once again at the coffee table that Tay had dusted prior the others’ return. He forgot just how his flat looked when it wasn’t as disoriented as him. He was overwhelmed at the fact that there were a lot of people in his flat, but he didn’t really think of it much, he just stopped caring about anything that happened to him for a long time. But the more that people from his past came, the more that he would remember about the memories that came along with them, especially those of the boy that everyone had been talking about ever since.</p><p>“Would you believe me if I said that I wanted to be a photographer back in high school?”  Mike breaks out from the silence, trying to break the tension that was already bringing up. They had one reason, and one reason only as to why they were there, and no, it didn’t include the situation that was currently happening. But he thought that if he kept up with it, Gun wouldn’t have a hard time taking in the information that they’re about to break to him. They thought easing him through the process would be better than just thrusting him into the news.</p><p>Everyone scoffed, rolling their eyes at Mike’s sentiment.</p><p>“Yeah”, everyone says in unison, which made him roll his eyes at them, knowing exactly what they would say being the reason that they thought so.</p><p>“You’ve always been a pervert”</p><p>The room had filled with laughter. They all answered in chorus as if they knew what the others were thinking.</p><p>“I, on the other hand, had always wanted to be an artist”, Jan started, “But here I am”. She smiled smugly, remembering all the hard work she had to put into just to get to where she was now. But despite her confidence, she only received a reaction of pillows thrown at her and choruses of “boo”.</p><p>“We weren’t talking to you, we were only talking about the sad ones who has to risk their lives fighting for the country now”, Ssing mocked her, which only earned him an eye roll and a pillow thrown at his face.</p><p>“Bu they asked Gun, you idiot”</p><p>“Well, he technically did risk his life fighting didn’t he?”</p><p>Again, Tay had to slap Chimon at the back of the head. He wondered what the kid was on today that he was being too insensitive. He knew very well what he had been talking about, in fact, everyone did.</p><p>“Can you just shut the fuck up for a second. You’re not even in our year, so shhh”, Chimon immediately realized just how wrong he was while rubbing the back of his head.</p><p>“For your information, I may be your junior, but my neck has feelings too, you know?” The younger of the group whispered at Tay, pretending to cry as if it would work.</p><p>“Well, we all knew that Jane and Mond here wanted to be models”, Fiat brought his glass forward, pointing at Jane and Mond.</p><p>“Yeah, it was obvious since you two would always run for the Mister and Miss Intramurals every year”</p><p>Mond smiled at Jane, whose face had scrunched into a frown, knowing how much she wanted that dream to come true.</p><p>“I really wanted to be one”, Mond’s husky voice filled the entire room, the desperation and sorrow in his voice were evident.</p><p>“Then I don’t understand why you’d be stupid enough to choose something that would obviously get yourself killed”</p><p>They all turned to the short boy who had been silent for almost their entire visit now. They didn’t understand why the boy seemed like he was picking up a fight, hearing how bland his voice were, and how sharp the words that came out from his mouth were.</p><p>The whole group was silent. He had a point. None of them in that room ever really wanted to be what they wanted to be in the first place. It was a pressure for most of them to choose what they wanted to be. But since most of their families would rather choose honor rather than their own children’s happiness, they settled on that rather than the former.</p><p>Jane, however, wasn’t having any of it.</p><p>She wasn’t as composed as Tay and the others to hear Gun talk shit about the people who risked their lives to fight for peace. But deep inside, she knew that the reason why anger had been stirring up inside her was because he was telling the truth.</p><p>“Just because you couldn’t chase for something you wanted doesn’t mean you should talk shit about the people who can”</p><p>“Leaving your best friend when they needed you the most isn’t exactly something that decent people would consider wanting”.</p><p>Gun’s last statement not only hit Jane, but Tay as well. He’s been silent the entire time because anger was silently brewing up inside of him. He didn’t want to just suddenly burst out of anger, but both of them knew that Gun was, and will always be heating them for what they did all those years ago.</p><p>“You never changed, haven’t you?” Jane spat back at the boy, who, despite the heated atmosphere in the room, still had an expression-less face as he continued to argue back, “You’re just as selfish as ever”.</p><p>“You wouldn’t consider yourself selfish if you had to live in the dumps all your life just for the sake of others’ approval, would you?”, Gun’s demeanour had never changed, “Is it wrong of me to at least ask for a little bit of help?”.</p><p>It bothered Jane that despite all the emotion in his words, he couldn’t bring himself to act on it, blandly throwing arguments at her with a monotonous facial expression, while she herself had been building up with anger.</p><p>Tay, on the other hand, was silent amongst the chaos, knowing that both of his friends are just blowing it out of proportion. He understood Gun’s sentiment. But he also understood Jane’s pressure.</p><p>Tay and Jane left all of a sudden during their last few months of senior year. It wasn’t up to this day that Gun understood why. But part of him was still furious at them for making him feel like it was his fault all along. For 7 years, he didn’t even receive at least a letter, nor a message. He didn’t even receive any news whatsoever about them. And for a broken boy like Gun, was it his fault to feel bad for himself when everyone around him just seems to disappear without a trace? First, it was his family, who had blamed him for all the misfortune that came upon the family. Second was his friends, who faded away from him one by one. Some had completely disappeared, but most of them had just stopped talking to him when he stopped being himself. He thought that was the same reason why his best friends had left him. Lastly, was someone he refused to talk about, someone who had been there when his world had completely fallen down.</p><p>
  <em>The sun.</em>
</p><p>“Well, I’m sorry if he left you and chose to fight for himself and his country rather than stay with you and listen to your bitchy whines”.</p><p>Jane stopped talking when he saw Gun’s face slowly break down.</p><p>“How did you..” The short boy’s voice cracked a little at the mention of<em> him</em>.</p><p>The room had become silent once again. They were all confused about what was happening, but none of them had it in them to even question any of them. The broken warriors were facing down as they witnessed the whole thing happen. The only sounds audible were elicited by Jan who’d been hella confused as to what they have been talking about.</p><p>Once again, it was the knock of a door that instantly snapped them back into reality.</p><p>Gun returned to his expression-less state when he stood back up, walking to the door to see who was in front of it.</p><p>“Leo?” He said to his landlord who had his hands in his pockets as he spoke.</p><p>“Yeah, I know what you’re gonna say, you don’t have time for tea”, He cut Gun off when he was about to say something, “But look who I found wandering around the halls”.</p><p>Gun’s eyes had widened as he looked at the two figures that walked towards the door.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Gun? Is that you?”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>sorry for the short update. was running out of motivation recently, but I still wanted to put my stuff out there. So yeah, I tried my best. But the next few chapters will probably be able to answer the questions you have by now.</p><p>Thank you for the little support that you’re giving me on this fic, I didn’t really expect people to read this, but I would really like to thank you for giving me the motivation to continue this tragic mess of a work. Once again, the kudos and hits for this work will help me through this journey.</p><p>i love you</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <strong>6</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>Present day</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Hours have passed after Gun had opened the door to see two unexpected visitors. The whole room had roared with joy and excitement as they screamed the names of their old friends who they haven’t seen since high school.</p><p>“Arm!” the group gleamed with happiness, while the other half yelled “Alice!”</p><p>Everyone had been enthusiastically bombarding them with questions, joyful at the thought of reuniting with the people they once spent every afternoon after school with, except for two people who couldn’t be bothered because of what happened prior to the couple’s entrance.</p><p>Alice happened to notice Gun shadowed from the crowd, slumping his back against the door, staring at the group and wondering when he gets to feel that over-whelming type of joy like he once felt back in high school. She managed to squeeze away from the crowd, leaving Arm to entertain all their unanswered questions.</p><p>“You idiot!” the small-framed girl went quickly towards Gun, tackling him in a tight embrace as if there was no tomorrow, “You fucking idiot”, she whispers to him.</p><p>The moment that Alice received the call from a distraught Jane that morning with the horrible news, she immediately woke up Arm, who quickly booked tickets to Bangkok, where Gun was. She felt guilty as she immediately felt a warm touching wave of nostalgia the moment she breathed in Gun’s scent, knowing just how much she’s missed out on, and how much she’d lacked as his friend. Gun recalled back to the times when Alice would do the same exact thing back then. Aside from Tay and Jane, Alice was one of his very first and only true friends from his younger years that he couldn’t help but sigh at the relief of having her back, despite a whole decade that she didn’t even say a word to him.</p><p>In the midst of the couple’s welcoming, however, Tay felt a sudden vibration in his pocket. He reached to grab his phone, seeing an unknown caller ID on the lock screen. Jane immediately turned to look at her friend’s questioning look as he starts analyzing the number, trying to remember who it was from, when all of a sudden a wave of memories had flooded his mind, knowing who it was from in just a split second.</p><p>“It’s for you”, Tay hands over the phone to Jane, who looks at him with a questioning look.</p><p>“How do you know it is?” Jane points out, as he caller ID didn’t even have a name, nor a picture, “I’m sick of taking your calls. The moment we stepped foot in Bangkok and you started receiving calls, I don’t know how you immediately thought of me as your secretary.”</p><p>“Just answer it Jane”, Tay pushes her to take the device which irritated the hell out of him from all the vibrations it was giving his hand.</p><p>Jane rolls her eyes, grabbing the phone from Tay and walking to the hallway to answer it, so she wouldn’t disturb her friends’ moment, knowing it’s been so long since they’ve felt this excited. Bombs and military training isn’t necessarily something they’d choose to be excited about.</p><p>“You’ll thank me later”, Tay gives Jane one last reassuring look before seeing her walk towards the door, and closing it behind her.</p><p>“Hello?” Jane says shortly after pressing the green answer button. Her tone was a bit more bitter than he anticipated, as she was fed up of having to answer Tay’s calls for him.</p><p>Jane heard a soft gasp from the other line. She didn’t know why, but she immediately knew who it was the moment she elicited the tiny whimper. It was enough to erase all bitterness from Jane as she heard the girl speak.</p><p>“Jane”, the girl softly whispers, “Is that you, hon?”</p><p>Jane could feel a pressure at the back of her throat, feeling the warm feeling of memories crash upon her like a wave. Everything else around Jane was a bitter mess, and this was the first time she felt the need to hold on to something, not letting go, unlike what she did all those years ago to the sweet girl on the other side of the phone.</p><p>“Ciize”, Jane releases a shaky breath, too over-whelmed to even say more, but she would be lying if she said she wasn’t relieved at all to hear the girl’s voice release the sweet sound of her name.</p><p>“Oh my God”, Jane could hear Ciize’s breaths from the other side of the phone, knowing for a fact that the girl was already crying at this point.</p><p>“You never changed”, Jane giggles, “You still cry like a fucking muppet”.</p><p>“I do not!” Ciize yells from the other line, making the other girl giggle even more. It felt like such a reliever, to have something back after not being able to be with them for years. Jane suddenly thought of Gun, feeling like it was insensitive of her to think of a friend’s loss in the midst of her own happiness. Gun didn’t even know about it yet, but everyone else knows. The boy wasn’t aware yet of the star that he had completely lost. The guilt of keeping it a secret was eating her up that she didn’t even realize Ciize talking to her.</p><p>“Jane? You still there?” Jane snaps back to reality the moment she hears the soft voice once again.</p><p>“Oh, yeah, I was just thinking of stuff”, Jane explains to Ciize.</p><p>“You always think of stuff, you should take a break from it sometimes”, Jane sighs from what she heard, “You didn’t change too”.</p><p>“So, how are you?” it wasn’t like Jane at all to ask someone this question, but Ciize wasn’t <em>just</em> someone to Jane, she was more than that.</p><p>“I’m doing fine”, Jane smiles at her answer, at least she was doing good, “I’m a designer in Madrid now, like how we would always talk about, remember?”, they both remember, as a matter of fact, but the impact was much more significant for Jane, “We used to say that when you were finally going to be a model, I was going to design your clothes”.</p><p>Jane smiled from the memory. But there was a slight frown from her smile as she realized just how naïve the both of them were. But then again, they were just immature kids who wanted a future together, believing that they saw each other in their tomorrows that they believed were going to be bright. Unfortunately for Jane, that wasn’t just the case.</p><p>“Funny how you just used to be that sweet girl from class-6, and now you’re literally what you saw yourself as when we were teenagers”, Jane leans against the wall, enjoying the little moments she spent with the girl. The slow breaths she’d be hearing from her every once in a while was enough for her to go back to her happiest days, which were non-other than the days she spent with Ciize.</p><p>“We had a lot of fun together, didn’t we?” Ciize managed to make Jane’s breaths pause. She admits that high school wasn’t at all a fun experience,  but every moment with her and her friends had managed to make the ride feel much more exciting, “But apparently not fun enough, since you still chose to leave me”.</p><p>Jane was taken aback with the previous statement. She left with nothing but a heavy heart, without even having to say goodbye to anyone she left behind. It was the same for the others whose families had forced them into the military for honorary mentions, not realizing the pressure it gave them. The truth was, most of the families in their part of the city were fighting over the chances of being well-known, that the moment their local military were beginning to screen upcoming recruits, families began pushing their kids in order to maintain a good social status. It pained Jane to think that it was something they all had to live with, that they had to give up on their dreams in order to please others.</p><p>Unfortunately for the lot of them, most of the students who had already enlisted in the military had to report as soon as possible since the military was set to engage in war the following year. And unfortunately, they were part of that group of students.</p><p>It was the sad truth that most of us have to go through, unfortunately.</p><p>It was the same for Jane, but with a completely different scenario, making it harder for her to explain to Ciize.</p><p>“Why didn’t you say goodbye to me?” Her voice rung in Jane’s ears. She was still distraught over the fact that Jane left with no trace at all, “I went to your house that night. I wonder what you would feel if you find out the most important person in your life at the time had completely vanished”.</p><p>Jane couldn’t even speak at this point; she had no idea that Ciize did that.</p><p>“Imagine having to stand in front of a huge ass house that’s significantly bigger than yours for hours without even knowing that it was already empty”, Ciize’s voice was shaking nervously, choked up from the tears that were already building up in her throat, “You wouldn’t even pick up your phone for two years”.</p><p>“If I said goodbye, I would’ve hurt you even more”, Jane simply says, without even a sense of emotion.</p><p>“Well, I don’t know about you, but it still hurt nonetheless”, Ciize spoke with spite in her voice that it made the first few streams of tear drops fall from Jane’s eyes for the first time since this morning, “Jane, Why?”</p><p>It was silent for the first few seconds, until Jane finally thought of an answer,</p><p>“Because I would’ve promised you that I was coming back”, tears were already welling up in without Jane knowing, She thought she was too busy hating her for leaving to even cry, “Would you rather have that instead of this?”</p><p>“At least I would have had assurance instead of hoping blindly every year that you’d at least visit or even call me”.</p><p>“If I did promise you, what would have happened to you if you found out I died from a gun-shot?” both sides were silent for a bit, that only the static from the call could be heard, “At least you wouldn’t have to hear about it until it happens”.</p><p>“My point is you could have told me so I knew I had something to wait for. Every day was hell for me thinking what could have happened to you”</p><p>“Ciize I didn’t want you to hope for tomorrow if I promised I was coming back without even knowing if I was going to survive the first battle”, Jane sighed with a shaky breath, letting the tears fall down from the impact of her thoughts. Ciize was the first person she even thought of spending a future with, but unfortunately for people like her, fate isn’t always in their favour.</p><p>Apparently for Ciize, all the what if’s had lied low, as she slowly lost hope of ever chasing the future with Jane again.</p><p>But for Jane, it never did. The truth was she had always wanted to run to Ciize the moment she steps out of base. 7 years of battle wasn’t necessarily a pleasant experience that the first thought in her mind when they were granted a month of leave was to knock on Ciize’s door and tackle her in an embrace. But due to unexpected reasons, they had to go to Gun’s house instead, but luckily they were in time that day.</p><p>“What do you think we’d be right now if I chose you instead?” Jane whispers into the phone, keeping her voice down. The extinguished fire in her had already awakened at the sound of Ciize’s voice that she tried so desperately hard to keep in the emotions brewing insider her at the moment, because if she didn’t try, she would be on the floor right now, screaming as the whole 7 years of not only isolation but also the pure pressure of a local battle had been eating her alive ever since they went home.</p><p>Ciize noticed how deep the breaths that Jane was taking were, that she didn’t think of talking for a while, knowing that Jane could be at her breaking point at the moment. Most of her words were left unspoken, as she spent the time of silence as a moment to think of things. She’s thought of so many questions, so many why’s, how’s, and what if’s that she knows will be left unanswered anyway even if she asks.</p><p>“Happy”, Ciize responds simply, “We’d be happy, hon”.</p><p>Jane sighed a deep breath, gripping the phone in her hands. She didn’t want to unleash any more of the vulnerability eating her up inside, which is why she decides to get to the point.</p><p>“Why did you call?” Jane sternly says, wiping the tears, along with the pieces of yesterday she had unleashed. The pieces of yesterday that would have made her happy hearing today if it weren’t for the pressure of making other people than herself, “I’m assuming that you weren’t even expecting to talk to me”.</p><p>“Jane..”, the girl’s soft voice which uttered her name made it harder for the girl to even act this way around the girl at the other side of the line.</p><p>“Just get it over with”.</p><p>“I meant to speak to Tay, could you pass it to him then?”</p><p>“Just say it”, Jane’s voice had remained blank, she decided to pack up her old self which she showed Ciize for the very last time. She didn’t want to be vulnerable anymore, it was too much pressure. She always thought that people only get hurt because they let the pain overcome them like it’s a healthy thing to do. She thought people were stupid for putting their walls down. That was far from what she considered herself.</p><p>“It might be too much for you--”</p><p>“It won’t”, Jane breathes deeply, she knew deep inside that she wasn’t going to like what she was about to hear. Ciize does the same, knowing that the girl would probably act as if it didn’t affect her, but she knew deep inside that the girl was never completely honest. She gathers all the strength she knew she needed to tell the girl she once loved what she had to, cutting her off, “Tay will just tell me right after-”.</p><p>“Jane, I’m getting married in two weeks”.</p><p> </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>“When?” both Alice and Gun were now in the kitchen, sitting on the stools by the island counter. Gun was staring at the golden band that was wrapped around his childhood friend’s slim finger. It still looked new; however, there were a few black marks with a few little scratches on the edges. He assumed that it was given to her probably not more than 5 years ago.</p><p>Alice smiled at him warmly, twisting the golden band around her ring finger and suddenly being hit with a warm wave of nostalgia as she reminisces about the faithful day she said ‘I do’ to her first love.</p><p>“We’re celebrating our fourth anniversary this week”, Alice responds, her warm smile not leaving her face, while Gun slowly looked down at the floor and remembering that day four years ago when Alice had called him non-stop. Not only did he block her number to prevent her from calling him again, but that was also the last time he’d ever touched his phone. A wave of guilt had overcome his entire being as he realized that she was probably calling him because she wanted him to go to her wedding. She was a little pissed at him for not responding to her calls she would initiate every year. Little did she know that Gun was already at his breaking point. If it weren’t for Jane’s call just a few hours ago, she wouldn’t know about Gun’s current situation. She thought Gun was just being as he always was, but what she didn’t know was that Gun had completely lost all perception of time.</p><p>Gun, however, couldn’t help but feel a little relieved that her childhood bestfriend had her dreams come true of marrying her first and only love.</p><p>“Why didn’t you reach out to me?” Alice took Gun’s arms, which were heavily wrapped in gauze, in her hands. It still numbed a little bit, due to the medicine and iodine that Tay practically poured on it earlier, to the point where the boy couldn’t even move his hands anymore. He sighed a heavy-breath, shrugging at his friend’s question. Alice frowned, heaving a sigh of defeat as she grabbed Gun and hugged him once more “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there”. At this point, Alice knew how fed up Gun was with the amount of apologies he probably heard. She was aware that she wasn’t the only one who owed Gun, in fact, it was all of them.</p><p>“I just didn’t to ruin other people’s happiness the way I ruined mine”, Gun sighs, which mad Alice’s chest tighten a little bit. She wondered about the last time that Gun had reached out to her for help, but to her dismay, she couldn’t recall even one memory. But then again, she knew that Gun had always been a tough shell to crack. No one had ever been close enough to even get through to Gun, except for one certain person. If it wasn’t for he news she heard earlier, she wouldn’t have known much about what the two had been through, no one did, in fact, no one even expected the two to get along. She sighs at the thought of the boy who once was the pride and joy of everyone around him. She sighed at the fact that not only did Gun lose himself, but he lost the person who understood him the most in the process.</p><p>“I’m sorry about Off”</p><p>Despite Gun’s blank expression the whole duration of the two’s reunion, it took only one mention of a name to make Gun direct his gaze at Alice.</p><p><em>What? She’s… sorry?</em> Gun whispers to himself.</p><p>Alice, however, realized just how bad she fucked up. She wasn’t supposed to mention the boy in any way. She suddenly remembers the conversation she had with Tay on the phone a few days ago.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“He what?” Alice’s voice was distraught. The news was more of a shock rather than a surprise, she knew it was going to happen to either one of them any time soon, but she didn’t expect it to be that specific person for that specific reason.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yeah”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What else did you see?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“A lot.. it was a whole ass box”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Does Gun know?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“No, Alice”, Tay’s voice sounded a bit static-y due to the shit military phone they  had, "At least not yet”.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Alice can hear Tay’s soft sniffles from the other side of the line, which she completely understands, considering the circumstances. She couldn’t help but break out into tears as well, completely hating the dangerous art which they called war. Suddenly, the thought of leaving everyone including your friends and loved ones scared her even more. It was already as terrifying as it gets, but the moment the consequences happens to you, or someone you love, it gets even more frightening.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“We can’t tell him, Alice”, Tay’s voice was strained, cracking from the pressure in his chest, “We’d ruin him”.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“We’ll ruin him even more if he finds out later”, Alice explains softly to Tay, who, despite being in military base, and is surrounded by his comrades, was breaking down in the hopes of turning back in time to try to even change their fate. His choked whimpers and loud sniffles had occupied the entire room they were in. Jane runs over to her broken friend, she doesn’t want him to be a source of ridicule in the entire base, since it’s not something you would expect from a soldier like him, but considering the circumstances, to Jane and their other friends’ surprise, they saw their other comrades gather around him, comforting him. To be completely honest, in a place where they are expected to be cold and tough individuals, this was the first time she and her friends witnessed at least a bit of humanity.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I wish it could’ve been me instead”, Tay whispers against the phone, with Alice crying the same amount of tears on the other line.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Don’t say that”, Alice chokes out, “You’re lucky”.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“But he wasn’t”.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The silence had loomed over them once more, only Tay‘s sniffles and the little comforts and ‘it’s going to be alright’’s that his comrades would utter could be heard.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He calmed down after a while, however, he was still hiccupping from the impact of the emotion he’d been keeping for several years.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“He needs to know at least”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“And when you’re all ready.. You need to be the one to tell him, Tay”.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’ll try”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>The thought of the conversation they had haunted Alice, now that Gun was right in front of her. She thought that what they felt that night could double if it were placed into Gun. The sudden mention of the lad led both of them to stare at each other, as Alice thought of something else to say, while Gun was left dumbfounded at her previous statement.</p><p>She looked around the room to spot Arm sitting on the couch. As if almost immediately, Arm turns around and sees his wife staring back at him, gesturing at gun, and making a cutting motion around her neck. His eyes widen, knowing immediately what his wife was talking about.</p><p>“Alice my dear! Why won’t you and Gun join us”, He stood up, walking over to Alice, grabbing her by the hands, making sure he doesn’t touch Gun where he has his scars, giving him a soft smile. The group of friends made sure they had the chance to tease the couple who were holding hands as they walked towards the living room.</p><p>“I told you that Tay was supposed to tell him”, Arm whispers to Alice, “We’re not in the proper place to be the ones to tell him”.</p><p>“I know... It was the heat of the moment”, Alice explains, trying not to catch the others’ attention.</p><p>“By the way, what were you guys talking about before Arm and I came?” Alice tries to redirect the attention back to the topic.</p><p>“Oh yeah, we were playing this game we played back then at the farewell party”, Fiat explains, to which Mike made sure to hit him on the back of the neck since he was about to answer first but Fiat began to speak before him, “Stop it, you asshole. Your hands are disgusting”.</p><p>“What’s so disgusting about my hands?” Mike turned to face Fiat, furrowing his eyebrows.</p><p>“They’re wet as fuck”.</p><p>“They’re no better than your mom during the weekends”, Mike jokes, which resulted in an angry Fiat to jump on him, tackling him on the floor as they all laughed at Mike’s snarky comment.</p><p>Alice and Arm chuckles at how the group never changed. It felt like decades didn’t even pass as they saw just how joyful they still were, seeing how even Tay, Mond, Chimon and Ssing were already on top of the two boys.</p><p>It wasn’t until a large book from Gun’s coffee table fell when their fun had been ruined. The rumbling from the commotion of the boys were too strong, making the thick encyclopaedia fall to the floor, eliciting a loud sound that rung all around the room. They all stopped laughing, startled from the sudden loud sound. They all froze, hearts beating as loud as the fallen object, it was as if they had a flashback from the battle they were in. Arm, Alice, Jan, and even Gun wondered about the sudden reaction.</p><p>“Sorry, I think the PTSD is kicking in”, Tay chuckles, trying to make light of the moment as he desperately tried to make a joke of the moment. The rest decided to get up from the floor, and brushing off the whole scenario.</p><p>“Chi?” They’d already positioned themselves back on the couch when Mond suddenly called out to Chimon. They found him crouched against the back of the couch, covering her ears and sweating profusely, whispering to himself, “It’s not my fault”, over and over again.</p><p>“What happened?”, Gun stood up almost immediately, as if by instinct, walking over to his younger cousin. He was the youngest from the group, and the real reason he was sent to the military at an age younger than all of them wasn’t what he told his comrades. Gun was the only one who knew why, which is why he went directly to his cousin who obviously suffered from something that was more than just a fear or a phobia. He sat in front of his cousin, rubbing his back and pushing back his hair as he had him resting on his chest, in an attempt to calm him down.</p><p>Tay, who thought Gun had completely lost his senses from the world, was surprised at how soft he suddenly became at the sight of Chimon’s breakdown. Ever since their child hood, Chimon was one of the only members of their family that showed Gun what a family was supposed to be. He stood as Chimon’s older brother for many years when they both have been struggling for their family’s approval, which explains the deep bond he probably has for his younger cousin.</p><p>“Welcome to the art of war”, Tay sighs in defeat.</p><p>Tay knew exactly why Chimon reacted more badly than the others, and no, it wasn’t because he was younger and smaller, they all had the same amount of training before they engaged in battle, but it was something much different. Something that Tay would prefer to forget instead.</p><p>“I bet marriage isn’t even as terrifying as the military”, Mond jokes, turning towards the married couple, in hopes of making the situation lighter.</p><p>“Oh, you bet!” Arm yells out jokingly, but unfortunately for him, Alice didn’t think of it as a joke when he suddenly feels a sharp pain on his thigh, “Ow!”</p><p>“You’re one to talk! You’re not the one waking up a lousy sleeper of a husband every morning at 6 a.m only to be kicked in the face because apparently he wants 10 more minutes”, Alice rolls her eyes, “And don’t even get me going about the toilet seat--”.</p><p>Roars of laughter elicited from one part of the group, while the latter part which consisted of Jan, Tay and Gun were still trying to calm down the distraught boy who was crying into Gun’s arms.</p><p>“I didn’t do it...” Chimon would repeat every once in a while.</p><p>“He didn’t do what?” Janhae turned to Tay, who tried to avoid their eye contact, “Tay, what is he saying?”</p><p>Suddenly, Chimon started to calm down, heaving deep breaths. He started to act normal once again, as he looked up at Gun who still had an obvious glimpse of worry in his eyes.</p><p>“I’m okay”, He smiles at his cousin, fixing himself in order to tighten the embrace, “I’m okay now”.</p><p>Gun sighed, the pressure in his chest fading away as he hugs back his cousin.</p><p>“Tay, he didn’t do what?” Jan whispers to Tay once more, gripping his arms, knowing it wasn’t a light-hearted whimper that the boy just randomly blurted out. Tay turns to Jan, then back to the two boys who were still stuck in their own world.</p><p>“Not here”, he invited Jan to walk over to the kitchen with him, where Gun couldn’t hear.</p><p>“But don’t tell Gun yet”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“So what do the two of you do now?” Ssing asks the couple while sipping on his wine.</p><p>“Well, we both work at a law firm, but Arm side lines as a stylist sometimes”, Alice explains briefly, earning a string of <em>ooh’s </em>from the boys.</p><p>“Sounds fun”, Fiat chuckles, “Imagine having Arm as your attorney and he’s the one who sues you for wearing unbranded jeans and a worn out shirt during the meeting”.</p><p>Everyone, including Alice broke into a pit of laughter from the thought of it.</p><p>“That could happen, I could testify to that”, Alice chokes out from laughter, “I remember him telling me off one time for wearing a neon green shirt. I didn’t obey him so he literally didn’t talk to me the whole evening, and the next thing I knew, my green Gucci button up had been thrown in the trash”.</p><p>“But it was disgusting!” Arm shrieks in frustration, distraught from the ridicules that they were throwing against him.</p><p>“But hey at least you have someone who styles your outfits for you”, Mond tries to lighten up Arm, patting his back while he talks to Alice.</p><p>“Well yeah, we have that”, Alice smiles at Arm, “But that doesn’t erase the fact that he threw away the one piece of clothing I actually liked”.</p><p>“It was green and disgusting!”</p><p>“Yeah, imagine having to wear green for several years straight”, Tay’s voice echoed around the room, as he walked back with Jan, whose eyes were still wide from the utter shock of what Tay had told her.</p><p>
  <em>“Don’t tell Gun yet”</em>
</p><p>“What happened?” Ssing immediately questioned her the moment she sat back down on the sofa.</p><p>“I know”, she whispers.</p><p>Alice turned to look at Tay as he sat back down on his side of the couch.</p><p>“Why did you join anyway?” She asked, “You all left too soon that we didn’t have the time to bombard you with questions. The moment we knew you guys got in, you vanished”.</p><p>“Because unlike you, we didn’t have much of a choice”, Another voice could be heard, along with the sound of the door closing. Jane walks toward the group, joining them once again.</p><p>Alice sighed at how much the girl had changed, and yet her attitude had stayed the same.</p><p>“We had to”, Mike’s voice didn’t have a joking tone anymore, “Otherwise our families wouldn’t even consider us as one of them anymore”.</p><p>Most kids in their school had one thing in common, they all came from honoured families. Most came from common ones, which was the reason why they wanted their children to fight for a slot in the military while they can. But for Jane and Tay, it was completely different.</p><p>“Apparently all that my family wanted all their lives was to put me in the military on my father’s honor”, Jane explained, “That’s why I didn’t have much of a choice”.</p><p>Everyone else knew that Tay had the same situation. They both came from a family whose line ran through the military, that they wanted to continue their names in order to make their families proud. Unfortunately, both of them knew that choosing what their families wanted meant sacrificing their own happiness.</p><p>“He had it rougher though”, Tay mumbles. Everyone else hears, but decided to brush it off since <em>Gun was in the room.</em></p><p>Despite their efforts to keep their voices low, Gun happened to be listening the entire time they were having the conversation. He knew exactly who they were talking about.</p><p>
  <em>“Gun, I accepted his offer”</em>
</p><p>“Who are you talking about?” He stood up from the floor, leaving Chimon on the floor, “You keep on talking about him without saying his name, like I don’t know who the fuck you’re referring to. Who the fuck are you talking about? And why do you need to hide it from me?”</p><p>His voice was shaking. The only thing he could feel was pressure at the mention of <em>him</em> over and over again. It felt much worse the more they talked about, trying too hard to hide what they were talking about exactly from Gun. It drove him insane. It didn’t help the fact that they concealed their mentions with pronouns, but just the sound of them talking about him hurt him like hell.</p><p>“Gun, calm down”, Tay tried to restrain Gun, just in case he was thinking of inflicting harm upon himself, “We won’t talk about him anymore”.</p><p>Arm saw how the rest of the groups had their heads down, he understood why, what he didn’t know was why Gun was breaking down exactly.</p><p>“What was he to you, exactly?” An unexpected voice from the other side of the room rung towards Gun. Everyone turned to look at Chimon who was still breathing heavily, but managed to speak a simple sentence with such force.</p><p>“Chimon, don’t”, Fiat walked over to where the boy was standing, trying to restrain him like how Tay was doing to his cousin, “We all understand what you feel, but it’s not your fault, okay?”</p><p>“No! I want to know what I caused my cousin to lose”, Chimon began thrashing around, which led Mond and Mike to walk over to him as well, thinking it wasn’t enough if Fiat was the only one who did so, “If I were more careful then maybe…”, the boy trails off.</p><p>Jan turns to look at Ssing, clutching onto his arm as she begins to feel tears welling up in her throat as she sees just how much time had impacted her friends.</p><p>“What is he talking about?” Gun looks at Arm, who instantly avoids his gaze, then redirects it at Tay, “What happened during the battle exactly?”</p><p>“What was he to you, exactly?” Tay stares at Gun with pity in his eyes while the others began to walk over to Chimon, asking him to calm down. He sighs a deep breath, wanting to keep it from him longer, but with the chaos happening in just a span of a few hours in Gun’s spacy apartment, he tenses up, knowing he has to tell him sooner or later. He was nervous, per say, until he feels a soft touch on his shoulder, turning his body to face Jane.</p><p>“Tay, I think it’s time”, she smiles at him, in an attempt to ease not only Tay, but also Gun.</p><p>“What the fuck is happening?” Gun sighs in distress, when Tay and Jane began to push the box they’d brought with them towards him, opening the metal item as the boy is slowly greeted with dust and soot that came inside the box.</p><p>“Jesus, I told you we should have cleaned it”, Tay coughed out from the dust he had inhaled, wondering how humanely possible it was to bring a box that weighed as much as a bowling ball  the size of his forearm to the battlefield.</p><p>“It was you who said it was fine. I mean, it came all the way from the barracks”, Jane hit Tay with her elbow, kneeling down to find Gun already invested in the items inside.</p><p>Despite hearing the cries and screams of “I didn’t do it” from his cousin, all that Gun was thinking about was why Tay and Jane decided to bring him such junk. It wasn’t until he dug deeper, finding various pictures of him, and a certain journal that he remembered a specific boy would go around carrying when he realized why Tay and Jane brought it to him, considering the content of the journal which they probably already read. The journals were drafts of letters that all remained in the same person’s and writing, a penmanship he remembers memorizing very well. Browsing through the journal and seeing pictures of him that the boy secretly took was enough for him to answer all the unanswered questions he kept to himself, most specifically the answer to the question that rung through his mind for decades.</p><p>
  <em>Does he love me back?</em>
</p><p>It was enough to elicit a tortured whimper from Gun, finally feeling the familiar heat around his eyes that he didn’t get to feel for almost 10 years. His cries were choked the moment he noticed the ending note of every letter in the journal, realizing that all his questions from high school had already been answered.</p><p>Tay and Jane were shocked at the sight of the boy the moment he lifted his head up. They never saw him like that, they realized that a particular someone was probably the only one who had the power to make Gun seem like the person he truly is; the person he couldn’t show to everyone else.</p><p>“I knew it”, it was a statement that both friends had been dying to say since senior year the moment they saw the two of them walking together that night. But they both know that it was something they decided to act upon far too late.</p><p>Gun looked up to the both of them, a hint of a smile protruding from his lips. They saw the familiar dimples on his cheeks once again. And just like a blind dog in the midst of a hurricane, the boy beamed as he mindlessly asks the question,</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p> </p>
  <p>“Where is he?”</p>
</blockquote>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hi i'm sorry for taking too long with this update. It's just that I haven't been feeling quite well the past few weeks, and I haven't had a spark of motivation lately, and word didn't seem to like me that much since it didn't feel like saving the chapter that I wrote yesterday so yeah, here you go; a newly written version of the chapter. I'll try to be as consistent as possible for you, dear readers, and let's hope that I'm going to be okay soon. And also I'm still not okay with the whole balloon thing with Off, idk why, but it still bothers me somehow.</p><p>Again, the support for this work is what keeps me going, i love you.</p><p>follow me at @chnamon_bun on twitter for updates.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. seven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <strong>7</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>Last day of junior year; 2012</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>The air was cold in the classroom from the midnight breeze that wrapped around the entire school on a cold January evening as the two boys dwell around the heat that their stares were bringing upon each other. It’s been hours since the others left, and only the two of them were found sitting in the empty room with nothing but a dim light eliciting from Off’s cell phone as Gun’s had already died the moment he walked inside the room.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Gun had no idea why he let himself be stuck inside a room with none other than the person he hated the most, but something deep inside him had been holding onto Off the moment he decided to leave a few minutes ago.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Why don’t you leave?” Off’s voice rung around the entire room, echoing throughout the four walls of the room, “I mean you could’ve left hours ago, since you have nothing left to do”.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I don’t want to go home”, Gun simply says, “I’d rather be stuck here with a loud-mouth like you than return to that hell-hole”, Gun sighs from utter discomfort as he’s forced to think about the one place he would rather forget. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Why don’t you go home to your family?” Off questions the boy innocently, “I would kill to live in a mansion on top of a hill”.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Nothing about that house is home”, Gun scoffs, smiling bitterly at how innocent Off was, “Nothing about those people is home”.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Off gives the boy a questioning look.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“It’s a house, it’s the same thing”, Gun returns the boy’s questioning look, eyes filled with utter disbelief at how stupid the boy was.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You literally garnered every single award that this school has to offer, and yet you can’t understand a simple metaphor”, Gun chuckles at the mindless boy. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Well it’s not a metaphor to begin with”, Off avoids eye-contact, as it felt like the first time that Gun had proven him wrong. Gun, however, just smiles at the boy rather than giving him his usual snarky comment. He didn’t know why, but he liked the idea of Off like this, he began to understand him the more time they spent together alone. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What did you mean, though?” Off speaks up, snapping Gun from back into reality, out of his thoughts, “I mean you have all the requirements of what a home should be, you have four walls, and a roof, what else do you need to consider it as home?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Gun sighs deeply, sitting next to Off beside the wall, leaning his head against it as he folds his legs down to sit in a comfortable position.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Love”, Gun turns his head to glance at Off, who finally understood what he meant, “A house is a structure with four walls and a roof. It’s a temporary building. A home is your permanent safe zone from the temporary bliss you call the world”.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Home is something that makes you feel whole in a world that breaks you apart”, Off stares at the younger boy as he continues his sentiment, “It’s your fortress that gives you none other than everything you need; safety, security and most importantly, love”.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Gun realizes just how long he’s been staring at Off, the whole time he was talking probably. The latter, on the other hand, was surprised at the other boy. He didn’t think he was capable of saying, even thinking of that alone, at all. It was such a surprise for the older boy that not only did his heart start pounding, his hands began to shake at the sole thought of how lonely the boy was to even think of something like that.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The younger boy looked away from the latter, breathing deeply as he felt the tears streaming down from his eyes. He was nervous to say the least, he didn’t want to look vulnerable around the boy whom he shoved against the lockers just the week before. He was embarrassed. He didn’t want to humiliate himself. But as they sat beside each other staring at the moon and sharing breaths of cold breeze in the freezing classroom, they both knew that everything was going to be fine, disregarding the fact that it was the most unusual thing to see Gun Atthaphan crying. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The older thought about doing the most convenient thing possible when Gun Atthaphan cries; make fun of him and run away in hopes of him not find him and  living a long life. But then again, as they sat in the empty classroom with no one else around them, he couldn’t help but unleash the soft spot he’s always had for the boy. He noticed how the boy’s fingers were shaking from the freeing sensation in the classroom as he broke down in front of it. It was a brave thing to do for a boy like him, Off thought.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You know”, Off begins as he shifts his position on the floor, removing his sweater and putting it over the shaking boy despite the latter’s utter shock, “This is the first time I saw you like this”.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Gun doesn’t even realize until now that the sweater that Off had been sporting since middle school was now around him, wrapped against his arms, slightly falling from his shoulder as it was a little big on him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Go ahead and make fun of me all you want”, Gun buries his face into Off’s sweater, breathing in the scent of mint and vanilla, “Everyone knows you hate me”.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“That’s just you”, the other boy chuckles, “I simply just ride along with you”.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Why?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Off was silent for a while, before thinking of an answer simpler than his usual ones.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Because I know you just need someone”.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>2 weeks ago</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>“Sometimes all you have to do to have a brighter day is to smile and look towards the light</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Always and Forever, Anonymous.”</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Gun kept his eyes on the fifth note he’s received for the week, which meant it was going to be the last for a while since it was the last school day of the week. He still wondered who had the audacity to send him those notes consistently, and he wondered if it was someone who knew him, since the sender always seemed like he knew everything about the boy and how his day had been. If it were someone else, they’d probably say it was creepy. It was, but for Gun, he felt some sort of comfort knowing that someone paid attention to him that much.</p><p>He hasn’t had a good day at all, ever since Off had snapped out on him the week before, he hasn’t been feeling himself, considering the fact that he couldn’t even face the boy ever since they parted ways that night. He felt like he humiliated himself to the boy, which is why he tried his hardest to avoid Off at all cost, even when they were classmates and they had to see each other every day.</p><p>For his friends, however, they didn’t even see even a little bit of an issue for the two boys to be ignoring each other even if it was unusual, to say the least. But they preferred it that way, knowing that it was easier for them to be silent than have to earn them curious stares from wandering students who would witness an argument.</p><p>“It’s not my fault that my dad wanted to bring me to a different college than we talked about”,</p><p>Gun sighed at the couple who had been fighting endlessly since first thing in the morning, it was their free period now, which meant there was only an hour left before they could leave. An hour left of third-wheeling in the worst possible way, Gun whispers to himself.</p><p>“You were supposed to talk to him about it! How about our plans?” Gun leaned his head against the lockers, yawning as he witnesses the third fight that Arm and Alice have had in only one week.</p><p>It was a point in their high school lives where they were expected to be sure of where to go for college already, unfortunately for Arm and Alice, they had planned to go to the same university together, but due to Arm’s dad’s arrangements, he couldn’t push through with their initial plan.</p><p>Gun found it interesting, having to watch the both of them bicker in the hallways as if it was a normal thing to do in school. Luckily for them, the teachers and staff were all the way in the faculty lounge enjoying god knows what activities they were doing for their free time. He listens to the couples’ voices echo through his ears as he crosses his arms, and leans in more against that cold locker doors, hearing something fall from his pocket to the floor. He picks it up to find the crumpled paper he tore out from Off’s notepad the previous week, memorizing every curve and point of his perfect hand-writing. His eyes traced over every word that still managed to make his heart stop just from the power each word had in them.</p><p>
  <em>The Lone Little Swallow</em>
</p><p>His eyes trail away from the note, and through the couple who was bickering non-stop, landing on a familiar looking boy sitting alone by the far end of their classroom. He always wondered why it seemed as if the boy was a loner, when in fact, he was the brightest in their school that everybody wanted to be associated with him. It seemed like Tay was the only one he was friends with, but he knew for a fact that it probably wasn’t the case. He wondered why Tay wasn’t with Off that day, only to receive a text at that moment that he was with none other than a boy named New Thitipoom.</p><p>Ever since the previous week, he noticed how often the two boys have been hanging out, disappearing every now and then. Gun decided to think against the thought of complaining about it, since it was probably a dream come true for New.</p><p>“Hey”, Gun heard from the back of his ear, “You promised you’d give me your number last week”.</p><p>Gun froze in his spot, realizing it was the girl from last week when he decided to go to the canteen alone to buy a drink. He didn’t dare turn around, mindlessly trying to walk away until he feels a hand on his fore arm, “shit”, he curses to himself. It wasn’t the first time that it happened. In fact, it was the second time in a month when someone had the nerves to confront him about the situation.</p><p>“Where do you think you’re going?” he heard another voice, this time it felt familiar, as he heard a round of giggles from his back, the hand turning him around to find Jane, Ciize and Janhae.</p><p>“You guys are evil”, Gun says, slightly raising his voice from the panic, “I fucking hate you”.</p><p>The three girls laughed at the poor boy who was still panting from fear, he was slowly calming down, however it did take him a minute to do so.</p><p>“Funny how you literally act all tough around everyone but a prissy to any girl you rejected”, Janhae says between giggles.</p><p>“That’s because your kind is terrifying”, Gun points out, earning a glare of disapproval from the three girls.</p><p>“Anyways”, Jane started, “We came over to ask you if you wanted to come with us later”.</p><p>“I’m not driving the three of you to the woods so you can bury a body”, Gun turns around,  shoving the books he had in his hands, perfectly structured as if he hasn’t opened them since he got it, which was true.</p><p>“Dang it, he wasn’t supposed to know”, Ciize whispers, making Gun widen his eyes.</p><p>“Wait you didn’t actually do that, did you?” the boy’s fear was starting to build up in his chest once again, until the three girls laughed once more.</p><p>“You idiot”, Ciize hits Gun on the forearm, “How stupid could you get?”</p><p>“We just wanted to invite you to a girls night out with us”, Jane slings her arm around Gun’s shoulders, “You know, get your mind off of things”.</p><p>“Why the fuck would you invite<em> me</em> to a girl’s night out?”</p><p>“She just wants to use your black card”, Janhae whispers to Gun, which made Jane pull her by the hair.</p><p>“Bitch”, she says, pulling Jan by the hair, “All I’m saying is, I know you had a tough week, I thought you could use some time to cool off, you know.”</p><p>Gun stars at the three of them one by one with a questioning glare, as they softly smile at him for the hundredth time.</p><p>“I don’t want to pay for the three of you”, Gun crosses his arms.</p><p>“Why do you think that everyone is out to get you for your cash?” The three girls pull him closer, Jane crossing her arms as well as she questions Gun.</p><p>“That’s because it’s true”.</p><p>“Well, that’s not the case for us”, Janhae swung her arms around Gun as well, “We’re your girl friends, we’re not like those phony wannabes who smack their lips with 2 weeks worth of lip gloss who cling onto you as if you were their sugar daddy. We’re the real deal, babe”.</p><p>Gun rolls his eyes, “You’re lucky Mike’s nowhere to be found”, he sternly says.</p><p>“Well, you better thank us, then”, Ciize giggles, since if it weren’t for them, Gun would be slapped drunk by the end of the night if they didn’t tell Mike that his mom had been calling them non-stop to tell him to go home.</p><p>“Oh hey, isn’t that your cousin?” Jane points at the boy who was silently reading at the end of the hall, pushing up his glasses as he buries his nose into his book.</p><p>“What the fuck is Chimon doing there all alone?” Ciize walks over to the boy, grabbing him by the collar to the rest of the group.</p><p>“You’re coming with us”, Gun wraps his arm around his cousin’s shoulders. The boy was quiet, saying nothing unlike his usual blabber-mouth self.</p><p>“Hey, kid, what’s wrong?” both Jane and Jan looks at the boy worryingly, but he just shrugs it off.</p><p>“Where are we going?” Chimon speaks up, “Can you take me to McDonald’s first? I’m fucking starving”.</p><p>“Okay, he’s back”, Gun smiles sarcastically as they walk away from the couple who were still arguing.</p><p>“Arm, Alice, we’re leaving”, Gun called out to the couple.</p><p>“I’m coming with you!” Alice calls out to the group, walking away from Arm who wasn’t finished speaking.</p><p>“Alice, we’re not gonna get anywhere if you keep walking away”, Arm reaches out to her softly, walking towards her as she snaps back at him.</p><p>“Oh my God, just break up already if you’re just gonna fight all the time!” Ciize yells at the couple, who stopped bickering all of a sudden.</p><p>Gun, on the other hand was too busy to witness the couple make up after 2 hours of arguing as saw a group of kids enter the empty classroom, heading towards a certain boy.</p><p>“Hey, you promised chapter five last week”, A boy spoke while Off remained glued to his text book, busy writing something on his notepad, “Where is it?”</p><p>The boy was having none of it, slamming his hand on the desk that Off was sitting in, remaining unbothered as he continues to write on the text book. However, he was forced to look up as the boy grabs his text book, flailing it in the air.</p><p>“A promise should be kept. I’m sure you’re aware of that star-student Jumpol”, the boy seemed like a senior, but it wasn’t that obvious since he couldn’t even reach up to Off’s chin when he stood up to face him.</p><p>Gun had been watching the scenario from way back n the hallway as his friends talk about the couple who had been trying to make up at the moment.</p><p>“Aren’t you going to do something?” Gun breaks his gaze from the boy when he hears his cousin speak up from beside him. He turns to look at the group of boys who decided to disturb Off’s peace.</p><p>“So, shall we go?” Jane speaks up right after Arm and Alice finally make up, agreeing to go with them, “Gun?”</p><p>“Wait a minute”, Chimon gestures to the growing crowd around the classroom as the arguing inside gets louder.</p><p>Gun doesn’t break his gaze from Off, who had also turned his head toward him, making eye-contact.</p><p>Gun’s friends turn to look at each other as they see him slowly approach the classroom with his knuckles cracking, maintaining a slow pace as he pushes against the crowd in front of the door.</p><p>“Gun, don’t”, Jane sternly says, but it was ultimately ignored by Gun as he makes his way inside the classroom. Jane tried to follow after, but was blocked by Chimon.</p><p>“What are you doing?” Arm questions Chimon, “He’s gonna get in trouble with the Jumpol kid again”.</p><p>Chimon shakes his head as he makes the group turn theirs toward the classroom.</p><p>“I think you should go”, Off’s voice was calm, but their was a tough tone to it, “I don’t remember promising anything to you”.</p><p>The boy pestering Off clenched his jaw.</p><p>“Look, just give me chapter five, and we’re done here”</p><p>Off rolls his eyes at the shorter boy in front of him, looking away with a scoff.</p><p>“Hey! I’m your senior”, the boy pushes Off, pressing his hands against his hard chest. The boy didn’t even flinch, “don’t you think you should be obeying me?”</p><p>“You should go”, Off repeats, this time, with much more force as he could muster.</p><p>The boy turned around when he heard footsteps rising from the door.</p><p>“Gun Atthaphan!” he laughs with relief, “Finally you’re here. Tell this ninny to just do as I said, and we’re done here”.</p><p>Gun turns to both boys. Off, however, was still trying to avoid his eye-contact as much as possible.</p><p>“What he said”, Gun simply says.</p><p>The boy turned back to Off, with a questioning look.</p><p>“Well?” The senior raises his voice at Off, “You heard him!”</p><p>“You idiot”, Gun laughs bitterly, “I was actually talking to you”.</p><p>The boy looks at Gun with wide eyes, and so did Off. In fact, everyone else did as well. No one had ever heard of Gun Atthaphan teaming up, or even standing up for Off Jumpol.</p><p>“Wait what?” Alice squirms into the crowd, turning to the rest of the group who had been wearing the same amount of surprise on their faces.</p><p>“He told you to go”, Gun walks closer to the senior, hands in his pockets with a smirk resting on his face, “Go”, he says sternly.</p><p>Despite Off’s calm demeanour, his heart had already been beating too fast. He didn’t know what the fuck was going on, his eyes widening as the senior pauses, only to do as he was told.</p><p>Both boys watched the group of seniors walk out the classroom, pushing away from the crowd. No one knew why, but it was understandable since Gun was probably the most influential person in their school, and that made everyone either like him, or be afraid of him. Off, however, was left dumbfounded as Gun places the text book back on the table, looking Off in the eyes one last time, before walking away, back to his friends.</p><p>“Wait”, Jan started as Gun walks past them telling them they should go if they wanted to catch the next screening of the movie they wer planning on watching, “Wait, did you really do that?”</p><p>“Are you really Gun Atthaphan?” Ciize runs up to the boy, “”cos it seemed like you just saved Off Jumpol from being senior feed”.</p><p>“Are you guys coming or not?” Gun yells, swinging his arms around Chimon, who had a slight smirk on his face, “What?” He questions the boy.</p><p>“Nothing”, Chimon pats Gun on the back as the rest of the group runs after them.</p><p>Off watches the group walk past him, trying to run after them as he felt like he owed the boy an apology for the way he just looked past him the moment he walked by</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“They found out”</p><p>Gun turns his head to his younger cousin, widening his eyes as they enter the mall that had just opened that week.</p><p>“Woah, I didn’t expect it to be this big!” Ciize exclaims as she reaches out to hold Jane’s hand, dragging her to different parts of the floor they were in. Jane widens her eyes, blushing a little bit as she make eye contact with Jan, who responded with nothing but a smirk and a wink.</p><p>“Alice!” Arm yells, pointing at the photo booth sitting at the middle of the shopping complex, “Let’s take a photo!”</p><p>“Let’s just see how mad Tay gets when he finds out we’ve been hanging out at  a different mall”, Jan whispers to Gun, who stifled a laugh as they both notice that Chimon had tensed up once again.</p><p>“What did they find out?” Gun asks. Jan immediately backs out of the conversation, patting both of them on the back as she realizes that it was probably a family thing.</p><p>“They saw me with Nanon”, Chimon lowers his voice, “They didn’t like it”.</p><p>“What?” Gun furrows his eyebrows, “You can’t tell me that they got mad at you because you hung out with him?”</p><p>Chimon does nothing but give Gun a sad smile, “You know how our family is”, he brings his head down, sighing as Gun wraps his arm tightly around Chimon.</p><p>“Why don’t you spend the night at my place tonight?” Gun offers, “You can wear my clothes”.</p><p>“That’s the thing”, Chimon pauses, “I didn’t want to tell you this but they did say that I got it from you”.</p><p>Gun looks at him with disbelief.</p><p>“You don’t believe them, do you?” Gun rubs his cousin’s shoulders as he relaxes to the warm touch.</p><p>“I was born this way, of course I didn’t get it from you”, Chimon smiles softly at Gun, “They told me to stay away from you, but I don’t want to”.</p><p>Gun gives Chimon a sad look, who already had tears forming in his eyes.</p><p>“You have to, you know what they’ll do if you don’t follow”, Gun avoids his cousin’s gaze, trying not to unleash the inner emotions he’d always been hiding.</p><p>“P’Gun, I won’t”, Chimon moves toward Gun, wrapping him in a tight embrace, “We’re the only ones we have”.</p><p>It was true. It was sad, but it was true. The moment that Gun had been completely fed up with his family, he decided to branch out on his own. Chimon, knowing he wasn’t going to make it out their on his own, begged Gun’s dad to support him still, because the truth was, Gun only had two people in his life who deeply cared about him; his dad, and Chimon. Unfortunately, Gun’s father loved his mother too much to go against her for willingly banishing her son. Te only person Gun had was Chimon, and it was the same for the latter, living in a family who only cared about public image and not their children’s well-being.</p><p>“Okay”, Gun turns to Chimon, “Look, tonight, we’re just gonna have fun, okay? And after this you’re gonna go home and act as if they’re not even there. If I decide to hide you they’re going to get even madder”.</p><p>Chimon nods in agreement, standing up with Gun as they re-join the group in the middle of the complex.</p><p>“They had this lip gloss on sale so I decided to buy two for each of us”, Ciize explains to he group, showing them the new items she had bought for both her and Jane.</p><p>“Ciize, it’s 1,799 baht for each lip gloss”, Alice complains for her friend who was being a lousy spender, “You literally could have bought more than just 4 if you decided to think before spending”.</p><p>“Says the girl who spent 500 on a one litre cup of milktea”, Chimon points at the receipt in Alice’s hands along with the huge cup of caramel boba.</p><p>Gun watches as the group bickered about the simplest things, from a boba tea to a thousand-baht lip gloss, laughing at his friends’ first-world dilemmas. He wondered how long their simple lives were going to last before they part ways to lead on their own lives, worrying about bills and paying taxes. He thought that the more time they spent together, the harder it was going to be for him when they eventually leave him, and for someone having to live with no one but himself, it scared the shit out of him to think that one day all this will just be a memory he can no longer witness.</p><p>“Okay, cut it out”, Gun decides to cut off the playful bickering, smiling for once as he waved his hand around, “no one will get to enjoy Les Miserables if you continue to fucking argue like little kids”.</p><p>Everyone complained at the mention of the movie they were about to watch. From the trailer itself, they thought it was going to be a normal boring movie with historical events, that they urged Gun to pick a different movie when he collected the payment for the tickets.</p><p>“I don’t remember agreeing to a musical that’s literally as old as our ancestors”, Janhae whined as they walked towards the cinema, earning nods of agreement from the others.</p><p>“I remember voting for hunger games”, Ciize throws her head down, swinging her arms around Jane and Chimon, “I don’t understand why we’re watching this old-ass musical”.</p><p>“Oh my God, just wait until the end of the movie”, Gun groans, pushing the group towards the cinema.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Gun, we fucking hate you”.</p><p> </p><p>The short boy runs as fast as he can, trying not to be caught by his friends.</p><p>“See, I told you it was going to be fun”, he laughs at how irritated the other half of the group was, while majority of them were already red-eyed and sniffing into a clumped handful of tissues.</p><p>“I should’ve made a death count instead of torturing myself to death with Russel Crowe’s voice”, Arm comments, earning a slap from Alice.</p><p>“Well, I think he did his best”, Alice turns her gaze towards Arm.</p><p>“Yeah, just like the other soldiers who died”, Arm bursts out in laughter as the girls begin to hit him with anything they had in their hands.</p><p>“Hey! Do you hear that?” Arm pauses in his steps.</p><p>“What?” Jan asks.</p><p>“The people sing!” Arm sings as he fails to make the joke he’d been thinking of for so long since he heard the song. Apparently everybody else had resonated with the pain of living as a poor working-class in the late 19<sup>th</sup> century, while Arm had just been busy thinking of immature jokes to please himself from the boredom.</p><p>They’d just finished strolling the place, enlightening themselves, and decided to leave already after eating dinner as it was already past their curfew.</p><p>“Remember what we talked about”, Gun reminds Chimon of their conversation from earlier, to which Chimon nods to.</p><p>“I’ll be glad to drop of Chimon for you, if you don’t mind”, Arm turns to Gun, offering to drive his cousin for him as they walked towards the parking lot, “We live on the same block anyways, I’ll let you drive the girls to their houses since you have the biggest car”.</p><p>Gun nods, waving goodbye to his cousin after giving both him, and Arm a tight embrace.</p><p>“Don’t do anything stupid once you get home”, Arm warns Gun, squeezing his shoulders lightly as he gives him a soft look, before getting inside the car with Chimon, driving off shortly.</p><p>“You just love him so much, don’t you?” Ciize rushes beside Gun.</p><p>“Who? Arm?”</p><p>“Hey!” Alice hits Gun lightly on the neck, “He’s taken”.</p><p>“I wouldn’t want him anyway”, Gun faces forward, walking continuously as the girls shuffle beside him, “He’s far from my type”.</p><p>For some reason, Gun’s last statement made the girls’ eyes widen.</p><p>“Don’t tell us that you’re gay too”, Gun looked at them, furrowing his eyebrows and scoffing a little bit.</p><p>It took him a moment to answer as he continued to walk. He’s never been open regarding his sexuality, but a lot of people had already speculated since he’d always turn down the girls who would show interest in him.</p><p>“I never really thought about that”, He simply answers, “I just don’t have the time to think of it when my life is already a mess as it is”.</p><p>He sighs deeply, but felt arms wrapping around his shoulders, turning around to see Jane, Ciize, Jan and Alice huddling towards him, tackling him in an embrace which felt more like a huddle.</p><p>“We’re here for you”, Ciize reassures Gun, her face squished between their cheeks all pressed together.</p><p>“Your species is weird”, Gun comments, resulting in the girls tightening their embrace, squeezing Gun in the process.</p><p>“God, stop, I can’t breathe”, Gun yells in the empty parking lot, panting at the impact of the tight embrace.</p><p>“Not until you realize that we’ll always be here for you”, Alice says.</p><p>“Come on, that’s bullshit--”</p><p>The girls cut him off by squeezing him a lot tighter in the embrace, making him groan in defeat, surrendering to the girls once and for all.</p><p> It was moments like this that made Gun appreciate his friends even more. They never failed to show him just how important he was to them, despite having to live life in isolation, without a family and a home. Part of Gun wanted them to stay like this forever, having to live in assurance, unlike how he had his whole life. But he knew deep inside, that happy moments like this had to end either way; that was just the way of life. But he couldn’t even deny to himself that having people like these around him was enough to make him feel like he was home, like he always had been wanting, even if it was just a little bit.</p><p>And just as anticipated, he hears a sound from a far distance that sounded like the click of a camera, disturbing his peace once again. Luckily, the girls didn’t seem to hear it, as they continued to squeeze Gun in the tight huddle-like embrace.</p><p>“I bet we couldn’t walk in this position on the way to Gun’s car”, Jane says with a teasing glare, turning to her friends as if she was actually initiating a bet.</p><p>“Oh, you bet!” They all yell in unison, pulling each other in the huddle and dragging themselves to Gun’s car.</p><p>After fastening themselves in their seatbelts and fixing the shopping bags they’d collected at the back of the car, it was finally time to go. Gun drove out of the parking lot on their way back to their houses.</p><p>But he would be lying to himself if he said he didn’t a familiar figure run past them as they were fixing the items in the car. But just like any other problem that Gun had, he quickly brushes it off, singing along to the song that was playing on the radio, along with the girls at the top of their lungs.</p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I’ll spread my wings, and I’ll learn how to fly, </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>I’ll do what it takes ‘til I touch the sky,</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>I’ll make a wish, take a chance, make a change, </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>And break away.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Out of the darkness, and into the sun, </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>But I won’t forget all the ones that I love,</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>I’ll take a risk, take a chance, make a change,</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>And break away….</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p> </p>
  <p>
    <em>“It’s sad how a group of kids could only sing about a future that none of them know they’ll never have”</em>
  </p>
</blockquote>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>this chapter made me cry at how subtle it is.</p><p>The support you're giving me on this work serves as my motivation, not only for this book, and as a writer, but also as a human being.</p><p>i love you.</p><p>follow me on twitter at @chnamon_bun for updates</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. eight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <strong>8</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>2012; last week of junior year</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p> <em>“Why the fuck did you do it?”</em></p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Because I had to”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Cut the shit, just say you wanted to”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“I really didn’t”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“So why did you do it?”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“I had to do it for you”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>Four Days Before</em> </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>  </strong>
</p><p>Off had no idea what he was still doing in the school paper’s office on a Friday night way past his curfew of 9 p.m. He also had no idea why he had come crashing into the office after seeing Gun act like that with his female friends.</p><p>He’d followed them all the way from the school, feeling as though he owed the boy a thank you and a brief apology, but there was something about the way that the boy had been ignoring him after the night they’d argued on the cold street the week before, that made it harder for him to just approach the boy like he normally would. He’d never been this cautious towards Gun, usually he would just walk towards the boy and say whatever he wanted to say. He didn’t understand whether it was because Tay was nowhere near him during those times, or if the boy had completely driven him insane already. He spent the whole day just walking with the crowd, following Gun and his friends, and as creepy as it sounded, there was a sense of peace that Off had felt as he watched the boy from afar; just like he always had. But there was some sort of tranquility within him that he hadn’t felt for a long time as he watched Gun stroll around the shopping complex with nothing but a slight smile on his face. He wanted to see more of those smiles one day, the boy thought. He wanted the slight smile to curve into more than just a little smirk, it was a view that Off had always wanted to see from Gun. And seeing him from this view was the closest he could have gotten to Gun without making him want to slap Off in the face.</p><p> It wasn’t the first time that Off had done something like this, in fact, he did it almost every day since they were in middle school. It was a simple gesture, and yet it felt like the happiest part of his daily routine, just to see those sparkling eyes from afar was enough to refill Off’s drained bottle labelled “happiness”. He knew this was the closest he could get, and he took that, with no form of complain whatsoever. He had no idea why he felt like this, but he decided to think against it and just cherish the feeling of having someone to adore like this, letting the feeling creep onto him with no signs of resistance whatsoever.</p><p>Everyone thought of Gun as no one but a rich and angsty misfit who managed to attract everyone’s attention by every word, and every action. Off wasn’t in the place to testify against it, as he was nothing but a boy who had been hooked by the same aura that had everyone else. But he knew that there was more to Gun than the mask they’d made for him. But as Off watched him tear up in the middle of the movie they watched in complete darkness without the knowledge of his company, he knew there was something more to the boy.</p><p>A flash managed to redirect his gaze from his peripherals, making him face towards the group once again, where he was greeted with a sight he didn’t know will make his heart clench; Gun leaning in to another boy’s arms as they waved goodbye. He recognized the boy, he was from the school paper as well, but he didn’t understand how it managed to make him feel hopeless when he stared at the two boys embracing, with the other whispering something to Gun before leaving, and with that, he saw another flash from the other side from where he stood.</p><p>He was about to give up that day, knowing how creepy it was to be watching someone like this, but as he walked in the empty parking lot, he couldn’t help but notice another group as they began to take pictures of the huddled group who walked weirdly towards a parked car.</p><p>“I knew he was gay. What kind of straight guy would jump around and squeal like a little girl?” the voice snickered, it was a familiar voice, as if Off had heard it already. But as he peeked through the fence of the parking lot, he realized it was none other than the senior that bribed him to do his homework, “who knew that the all-around play boy was actually a fag?”</p><p>“Dude, everyone knows”, another voice said, as sickening as the previous one.</p><p>“Apparently for a faggot like him, he still has more girls coming onto him than you do”, the senior spits at his friend, laughing at his insecure joke.</p><p>“Then I have an idea”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“We let everyone else know”</p><p>“That’s the smartest thing you’ve said since I knew you”, the senior reaches into his letterman jacket, grabbing his phone, and unlocking it.</p><p>“I don’t think that’s a good idea”</p><p>The group raised their heads to the unfamiliar voice, their eyes greeted with an unexpected figure walking towards them.</p><p>Off didn't even think twice before walking over to the group, all he knew was he didn't like what they were doing even though it wasn't directed towards him, and he wondered why the hell he would feel that way.</p><p>“I didn’t know you could talk”, the senior snickered, his phone still in his hands.</p><p>“I saw you taking a picture of him with the girls”, Off had his hands in the pockets of his oversized hoodie, looking the group dead in the eye as he convinced them to delete the picture, “If you were smart enough, I think you should consider deleting it”,</p><p>“I don’t think your opinion matters”, the senior responds with a smug look on his face, “A talk shit like you shouldn’t be tolerated in the society anyway”.</p><p>“I’m telling you nicely”, Off responds, “Better do it before shit goes down”.</p><p>The senior, despite his buff physique and intimidating demeanor, couldn’t help but gulp at the way Off’s knuckles cracked against the fabric of his hoodie. Everyone knew that Off wasn’t someone people should be messing with, despite his silent nature. In fact, he was the epitome of ‘silent but deadly’.</p><p>“What’s he to you, anyways?” Off’s eyes widened, as he froze in his spot, “The last thing I heard, you both hate each other’s guts”.</p><p>Off looked away, as he breathed deeply. And with that simple gesture, they all knew Off’s weakness.</p><p>“He’s your friend”, Off muttered, “You shouldn’t be calling someone you hang out with a fag, that’s just wrong”</p><p>“Maybe you both are”, the senior smirks at him with a smug look, “And just because we hang out with him doesn’t mean we’re friends. Plus, no matter how much effort we put into it, he’d just ignore us any ways. He’s just a stuck up pussy, and now we know why”</p><p>“Delete it”, Off grabs the senior’s arm. He had no idea why he had this much anger, since Gun’s reputation wasn’t his responsibility anyway. But Gun was already broken enough, he didn’t want to add more to it, knowing it was part of the reason why the boy was already a mess.</p><p>“You know what? Give us chapters 5 to 10 for our history class and we’ll--”</p><p>Once again, Off was being too careless regarding his decisions that he didn't even think it through before answering,</p><p>“Deal”</p><p>The group stared at him at how quick his response was, unlike earlier in the day.</p><p>“Okay”, the senior lifts up his phone, pressing the delete button on his screen.</p><p>Off sighs, watching as the picture gets deleted forever, but flinches as soon as he feels a buzz in his pocket.</p><p>“Wait, what the fuck?” Off exclaims when he received a notification from his air drop, seeing most of his group chats spammed with the same picture of Gun in a suggestive position as another guy wraps his arms around him. It was easy to misunderstand as the angle had made the picture look more malicious despite the innocent little goodbye hug that Gun was initially given. For someone in their generation, they would probably think the same as the senior. Most of the guys in their school probably had a fragile masculinity and wouldn’t be confident to do that in public, unless they were attracted to the person, as some would assume.</p><p>The group chuckles at Off’s stupidity, walking out of the parking lot.</p><p>“You said to delete it, and we did, but that doesn’t mean we didn't have something better”, the senior pats Off on the back, “now if you want to save both yours and your pretty boy’s reputation, I suggest you follow through with the deal this time”, he hisses, before walking away with his group.</p><p>He couldn't even remember what the fuck he just said, all he cared about was preventing the pictures to add fuel to the flame. God knows what could happen if rumors spread about the boy. Off sighs, rolling his eyes when he gets bombarded with numerous messages, not knowing why.</p><p>“Off what the hell did you just send in the class group?” Off picked up the call from Tay the moment it rang, not expecting the loud yell he received from the latter when he answered it.</p><p>He furrowed his eyebrows, as his phone had been in his pocket the whole time he talked to the seniors.</p><p>“What? I didn’t”, Off cluelessly answered, “What the fuck are you talking about?”</p><p>“’Didn’t know an all-around gangster like you was a fag just like your cousin. Guess it runs in the family’”, Tay read the message enclosed in the picture, “and the account has your name on it, but I don’t understand why you had to make a fake sub-account with your name on it”.</p><p>“God, I told him to delete it. I was stupid”, Off complains at how stupid he's let himself be. He didn't even think through anything he said, the only important thing for him was to get rid of it before gun could see it, or else he'd be dead.</p><p>“Who?”</p><p>“That senior from earlier probably made a poser account under my name”.</p><p>“Oh, good God”, Tay sighs, “I mean it’s obvious, he couldn’t even get your name right, and the punctuations on the post is shit, of course it’s not you”.</p><p>The boy couldn't even think straight, thinking how stupid he was for letting them get away with it despite trying to fix it, he had just ruined everything more. Tay's comment didn't even make him laugh the slightest bit.</p><p>“Look, how many people have seen it?”</p><p>“Luckily no one saw it yet, I’ll look into it and I’ll delete it for you, don’t you worry”</p><p>”As long as he doesn’t see it”</p><p>The truth was that was the only thing he was worried about, whether the boy sees it or not, he doesn't even give a fuck about what happens to him. He didn't care if the seniors come back for him, knowing the boy was unbothered was alright for him.</p><p>“For sure. He’ll beat you up if he does. I’m just glad it wasn’t you, the moment I saw the caption I was worried you’d be stirring up shit again”</p><p>Off chuckles, but deep inside he’d been hiding a frown as he continued to talk to Tay on the phone.</p><p>“You know I couldn’t do that to him”, Off sighs, “He’s going through too much already, why would I?”</p><p>“I know, but you need to do something, a lot of people had seen the picture itself already but without the caption”, Tay explains, “Surely they’ll have something to speculate about”.</p><p>“Yeah? Like what?”</p><p>“I don’t know just make shit up, create a diversion, you’re good at that. You’re in the school paper after all”</p><p>Off didn’t want to add more insult to the injury but if it meant to save the boy’s dignity then he’ll gladly take the punch for it.</p><p>“Okay, I’ll think of something”, Off quietly answers as he continues to walk on the dark street, with Tay’s voice keeping him company. He didn't really want to do it, feeling as if it would make the situation worse, he didn't want the boy to suffer more. But something else had dwelled upon his mind when he walked past the boy's building.</p><p>“Hey”, Off speaks up after a few moments of silence.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Did you give it to him?”</p><p>“Of course, you idiot”, Tay snorts from the other line, “We’ve been doing this for years and you still doubt me”</p><p>“Just making sure”, Off rolls his eyes.</p><p>“But you do know that one day you’ll have to give them to him yourself, don’t you?”</p><p>Off pauses, and the last thing he remembers is putting the phone down and running up to the empty school, showing his I.D to the night guard, before finding himself typing furiously on the school computer.</p><p>He had to wait four days later for the article to be approved and printed, but since the president of the school paper herself was a fan of gossip, the processing had gone through her faster than expected. He knew he was in for some shit when Gun sees it, but it was something he had to prepare for. He knew how risky the idea was but it was the only thing he could think of without compromising anything. </p><p>“Off, what the fuck?” Tay’s voice echoed throughout the entire school. It was too early for Tay to be in school, he thought. He didn’t explain much to him before shoving his phone onto Off’s face.</p><p>“I know what it is, I wrote it”</p><p>Off looked away despite the other’s sneaky glances at them as Tay just literally yelled for no reason the moment he entered the campus.</p><p>“I told you to write a diversion, not something to make people talk more”, Tay whispers to Off with a stern tone. He turns to look at the article he wrote on their website with the picture he took himself in the parking lot of the group hug attached to it in order to get people’s attentions off of the previous caption it came with.</p><p>“Even for a guy like Gun Atthaphan, I think everybody will agree that this much women is too much for someone to play with”, he shrugs at the gossip section of the paper, below it was an explanation that a student had seen him on a date with four girls at a time.</p><p>“What? It’s the best diversion for gay rumours”, Off turned around, placing another medal he won in the trophy case of their school.</p><p>"Off that's the stupidest idea you ever came up with since I met you", Tay groans, trying to hack into the website to edit the article, but much to his dismay, the programmer had set it to private, "Oh my God, did you even think about this at all?"</p><p>"What else was I supposed to do?"</p><p>Off admits that he was immature. He didn't think twice before doing so, since he was panicking, he thought it was the brightest idea he could think of. It didn't dwell upon him what Gun had hated the most, his reputation, which he had just completely restored and possibly ruined even more.</p><p>“Why are you acting like you don’t know what he hates the most?”</p><p>He pauses, he was about to lock the trophy case, but he began to think.</p><p>"Do you want to take it's place?" Tay whispers to Off.</p><p>The latter sighs as he thinks of something that would save him.</p><p>"He won't know it's me", Off mutters, locking the trophy case, until he realized another mistake he'd been careless about when he was writing the article.</p><p><em>"Article by Off Jumpol Adulkittiporn", </em>Tay read aloud, making Off widen his eyes and groan from his stupidity.</p><p>"What the fuck is happening to me", he whispers to himself as he rushes to their website.</p><p>Off slumps down, realizing that it wasn’t probably the best thing to divert a rumour with, but without even a second to think, he feels his body crashing onto the glass trophy case, his body too numb to even hear the shattering of glass around him as he feels a cold and harsh grip around his fore arms.</p><p>“What the fuck is wrong with you? What did I ever do to you?”</p><p>Off looks up to see an angry-looking Gun, clenching his teeth as a crowd of eyes begin to lure upon them from the classrooms.</p><p>“I stopped messing with you the past few weeks, because I felt bad for you for not being sensitive that night. Hell, I even went out of my way to help you last week”</p><p>The taller boy couldn’t move, he couldn’t even begin to utter a word, knowing it was a stupid move, but in his mind, it was better to make people think of him like that, since Off knew that if his family found out about the original rumour, they would be much harsher towards Gun.</p><p>And with that, he decided to embrace the pain he was feeling against his back as he felt the blood trickling down his arms.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“I had to do it for you”</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><hr/><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>Off found himself in the nurse’s office, his nose stung from the strong scent of alcohol and iodine. He stayed seated on the hard clinic bed as he waited for the nurse to dress his wounds. Gun had been escorted to the principal’s office the moment the teachers heard the commotion in the halls, immediately pulling Gun away from the boy as the latter was led to the nurse’s office.</p><p>“Hey”</p><p>A voice resounded from the other side of the room, making Off turn his gaze to his best friend who had just entered the room with New.</p><p>“You alright?”</p><p>“Yeah, my arms are literally pricked with glass and I can’t feel my hands, I’m fine, why’d you ask?” Off rolls his eyes at Tay, which only earned him a sigh and a chuckle from New.</p><p>“I’m sorry he lashed out on you like that”, New says softly, “But I have to agree with Tay when he said it was a stupid diversion”.</p><p>“I know”, Off  looked down to see his hands which were covered in blood, “But I panicked, it was literally all I could think of”.</p><p>“Why’d you want to change it though, for all I know, you’ve hated him as much as he did all these years”</p><p>The room went silent, not even Tay could answer it for Off. The room was filled with an uncomfortable silence, that only short and heavy breaths emitted by Off could be heard. But he didn’t fail to notice Tay’s hand on New’s as he continued to worry.</p><p>“Hey, Off”, a girl enters the nurse’s office with a basket and a cart filled with medical supplies.</p><p>“Alice, what are you doing here?”</p><p>“I’ve been telling you since the first day of school that I’m a first-aid volunteer”, Alice snaps, “thanks a lot for listening New, that’s definitely what a true friend should be doing”</p><p>“You’re welcome”, New rolls his eyes sarcastically at Alice as she sits down on the bed beside Off.</p><p>He chuckles at the group who had been bickering ever since they came in. It was normal for them to be like this. Off had enough experience of watching them to know.</p><p>“Look, we better get going since we have a class in about 10 minutes, but someone else came to see you”, Tay and New waved goodbye, but not before calling in another person.</p><p>“Arm?” Off recognized the boy he worked with in the school paper, who also happened to be the one who hugged Gun four days ago in the mall.</p><p>Arm walked towards Off, rubbing Alice’s head before he could sit down beside the boy who currently had his wounds treated. He couldn’t even look at the boy, and he didn’t even know why he was afraid.</p><p>“Look, we know why you did it”, Arm tried to establish eye contact with the boy sitting on the bed, while Alice tried to keep up with the fact that he wasn’t even squirming, “You don’t have to feel bad about what he said”.</p><p>He didn't feel bad at all. The only thing bothering him was how he got himself in the position anyways, and he admitted that it was stupid of him to let it past through him like that, but there was nothing else he could do, the boy probably hated him even more.</p><p>“Why aren’t you answering?” Alice spoke softly while dabbing some iodine on Off’s wounds, “You don’t have to be guilty, anyone who saw us could have thought the same”.</p><p>“Being lunged into a glass trophy case by someone significantly weaker than you isn’t exactly a fun experience”</p><p>The couple began to stare at him, but he was beginning to wonder why they just decided to talk to him all of a sudden, was it all because of Gun?</p><p>“Did you throw yourself into it when you could’ve easily resisted?” Arm questioned the boy, “Why would you do that?”</p><p>He could have pushed the boy away. In fact, he even saw him creep up to him before he could push him against the case, but he didn't want to hurt the boy more than he probably already was. He wanted to make him feel at least a little bit better, and if it meant for him to get hurt, then so be it.</p><p>“I wanted him to feel better”</p><p><em>But why? </em>Arm asked himself, he didn’t get the boy’s logic at all, but Alice did.</p><p>“Why did you write about us in that way, anyway?” Alice continued to tend to Off’s wounds, gently dabbing a good amount of alcohol and iodine, before wrapping a significant amount of gauze on the injured areas, “I mean we’re used to it, but coming from you?”</p><p>“The pictures the seniors spread out wasn’t technically a good thing for Gun’s reputation, that’s why he had to do that, there was no other way”, Arm explained, “He does it a lot for the paper”.</p><p>Off open turned to Arm, gawking at him, “How did you--”</p><p>“Come on, I’m the one editing your articles, and I’m aware that you were the one who was sneaking onto us that day”</p><p>“Hey! No, I would n--”</p><p>“Tay told us. You don’t need to worry, we won’t tell Gun”, Alice giggles, finally finishing the work on Off’s hands.</p><p>Off froze, staring at both Alice and Arm.</p><p>
  <em>Tay told them? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>They won’t tell Gun? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Shit</em>
</p><p>Off thought to himself, swearing he would kill Tay if Gun ever found out about the secret he’d been keeping to himself all those years.</p><p>“What did he tell you?” Off’s voice shook, making the two question each other, glancing to one another as they asked themselves why the boy was nervous as hell.</p><p>“He saw you follow us that day”, Alice admitted, which made Off sigh from relief.</p><p>“Is Tay keeping some sort of secret for you that you don’t want us to find out about?” Arm nudges Off’s shoulders with a chuckle.</p><p>“Well, uh, yeah. But we’re not particularly that close yet, so..”, Off pauses.</p><p>“Okay”, Arm begins, “Then let’s start being close, I mean we’re almost seniors, why not?”</p><p>Arm offers his hand to Off, followed by Alice.</p><p>“I mean you don’t mind do you? You don’t seem to trust a lot of people, but I assure you, you can trust us. Plus, we’ve been classmates since literally the beginning of time, and we haven’t seen you talk to anyone but Tay”, She says, offering her hand and giving Off a soft smile, to which Off accepts, shaking both of their hands.</p><p>“I gotta get to class, I guess”, Off stands up, “You guys coming?”</p><p>The couple jump up from the bed, tackling their new friend in a huddle.</p><p>“I have to correct you though”, Arm faces Alice, “He doesn’t just talk to one person. I mean everyone talks to him, he has a nice reputation going on, but there is more than just one person he talks to”.</p><p>“Yeah, what’s the deal?” Alice turns to face Off, “You like him or something?”</p><p>“Who? Tay? Hell no!”</p><p>Alice and Arm chuckle from Off’s disgusted reaction.</p><p>“You know who”, Alice smiles at her, “You don’t let someone push you around like that if there wasn’t a genuine sense of care. And you’ve been doing it for years, there has to be something else than what you show him”.</p><p>Off doesn’t answer, he just kept on walking towards the busy hallways, a few minutes before the bell rings. But before he sits down beside the couple in the classroom, he does wonder to himself what had happened to the boy who pushed him against the glass case.</p><p>“Arm?” Off reaches out to the boy before they enter their own classes. He doesn't even think it through, but when his tongue had slipped, he knew he had no way around it.</p><p>“Yeah, bud?”</p><p>“Could you do me a favour?”</p><p> </p><p>“3 days suspension?”</p><p>Gun gawked at the principal who had reprimanded him for nearly an hour now. He would rather be cleaning toilets already than waste his time staring at her and hear her scold him like she hasn't for the past few years. </p><p>"Gun, don't act surprised, you pushed a boy hard enough to numb his two arms", she explained to Gun who had only been glaring at her the whole time. She was aware about the boy's situation but for a boy his age, she felt like it was already getting out of hand. she thought he was seriously troubled, that not even the guidance could help him despite their efforts to help him when she assigned the guidance counselor to give Gun one-on-one sessions every after class.</p><p>"Seriously? It's the last week of school"</p><p>“Yes, and it’s not just for this one offense”, the principal had just come back with his permanent school record, flipping through the pages, “according to your school record, you were charged with 4 offenses while I was gone, but they weren’t acted upon as of yet, since there was no one to watch you”.</p><p>Gun rolls his eyes, leaning back into his seat, huffing a breath of air as he stares out the window, wondering how long until he'd get to finally roam the world and embrace his freedom.</p><p>“Gun, you’re almost into your senior year”, She starts, “You should start taking things seriously. I mean, not only did you break the fire extinguisher case last week when you shoved a freshman into it, but teachers said you’ve been absent from almost all of your classes”, she paused for a while, taking a breath from all of his offenses combined, “I could go on, but we both know we’d be in here for quite a while if I were to continue”.</p><p>The boy continued to look out the window like he always had been doing whenever they bring him there. Everyone thought that he was already a lost cause. Teachers had stopped reaching out to him, feeling like it was already hopeless for the boy, they didn't even know how the boy had survived up to this school year with all the red marks he had received ever since he started.</p><p>“You’re lucky he didn’t want his parents to get involved”</p><p>“I don’t give a fuck about him”</p><p>“Gun, you pushed him into the trophy case, he could’ve gotten more than just those cuts”</p><p>His breath hitched, imagining the cuts and wounds on the boy’s arms. He didn’t even think it through, until he realized that the boy wasn’t even wearing a jacket on top of his p.e uniform. He admits that he felt a bit of guilt, but it wasn't enough to patch the anger building up in his heart.</p><p>“You have got to start thinking about other people’s feelings rather than just your own”</p><p>He was shocked at what he had heard, all his life he'd only thought about other people, and their approval. He didn't move, but deep inside he wanted to wreck everything he saw. She had no idea what he went through and she had the audacity to say that, he thought.</p><p>Gun’s gaze returns to the principal who was staring right back at him.</p><p> </p><p><em>“A week?”</em> the group yelled at him as he returns to the classroom, dropping his bag on the chair with a drink in his hands that he had just bought from the vending machine.</p><p>“Give me a break”, Gun sits on his desk, burying his head in his arms, “She was getting annoying”.</p><p>“Gun, she only gave you 3 days, why did you have to flip her off like that?”</p><p>Gun was definitely fed up of all the adults telling him off and telling him what to be, that the only thing he thought of doing was to raise the finger in front of her. He was sick of everyone dictating what path he was going to take, it infuriated him. And for her to tell him off like he wasn't already having a shitty day was too much for him. The group thought it wasn’t a good idea to make the situation worse by bombarding the poor boy with questions. That’s why they did nothing else but sigh when they didn’t even get at least one response from the boy.</p><p>“When do you start?” Jane asks from beside Gun.</p><p>“Tomorrow”, Gun mutters from his arms, “I’d have to stay after school hours to complete the requirements I’ve missed on, not how I imagined my last day of school to be”.</p><p>“Damn it, another night out wasted”, Mike mutters under his breath.</p><p>“Stop it”, Mond steps on his foot from under the table while Fiat and Ssing elbow him on both sides.</p><p>“He’s going through a lot and all you care about is getting drunk”, Janhae hisses at Mike, making him glare at her and facing down from shame.</p><p>Gun pretended as if he didn't hear them whispering, but the truth was, he was already used to it anyway, he didn't need his friends to cover up for him. It was what he had to live with for nearly half his life.</p><p>“You know you’re gonna miss out a week of the school’s summer festivities right?” New informs him, “Not to mention, you’d have to report every day for a week during summer break”</p><p>“Yeah I’m sure I was aware of that”, Gun answers bluntly, “And I don’t plan on going anyway”.</p><p>“<em>What?”</em> the group exclaims in unison. Every year, the school would host different activities for the summer, and Gun would always be the first one to remind them about it, “We had plans!”</p><p>Sometimes he forgets just how big their group actually was, but it was getting too much on him, since every year, the group grew bigger and bigger, and the bigger the group grew, the more people he would disappoint whenever he would say no to whatever they planned on doing. He didn't understand why they didn't just follow through without him.</p><p>“You can just go without me, no big deal”, Gun faces them, his eyes blank, “I just don’t feel like it”.</p><p>They all stare at each other, wondering what made Gun this way. He was never someone who would miss out on fun when they were presented with it. He’d always been spontaneous, jumping on anything exciting as soon as he hears about it. But they all knew that one day, Gun would eventually be tired, they just didn’t expect it to be this soon.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” Arm whispers to Gun.</p><p>“Nothing”</p><p>“Come on”, Arm pushes Gun a little, “Is it because of Off?”</p><p>“I don’t even want to hear his fucking name”</p><p>“Why do you hate him so much?”</p><p>Gun turned around to see Tay walking towards him.</p><p>“Just ‘cause”, was the only thing that Gun answered.</p><p>He didn’t actually have a clear reason why he hated the boy so much. All he knew was everything about the boy was making him feel so insecure about himself.</p><p>“If you don’t have a reason, you can’t just hate him”, Alice softly says, but there was a tough tone to her voice, “He’s a nice boy, I mean you are too, but we won’t let you hate him for no absolute reason”.</p><p>“Exactly”</p><p>They were dumbfounded by Gun’s answer. The rest of the group had indulged themselves in another conversation, leaving only Alice, Arm, Jane, Tay and New talking to Gun.</p><p>“He’s the exact opposite of me”, Gun sighs, “And I just hate how he’s good at everything I’m both good and bad at. And it irritates me more, how he gets out of the way just to let me feel inferior”.</p><p>“That one time in history class was a one-time thing Gun, he had to correct you”, Jane explained to him.</p><p>“I mean we’d do the same if we knew your answers weren’t exactly correct”, New adds.</p><p>“It’s not just that”, Gun hisses, “It’s everything else. And I just hate the way that he literally doesn’t have to do anything for people to like him”.</p><p>“So you’re envious of him?”</p><p>“Maybe”, Gun felt his heart crack, finally admitting it to himself for a long time. It was a feeling he couldn’t contain to himself. But the more that Off destroyed him, the more he hated him.</p><p>“What if I told you that he just wanted to help you”, Alice’s voice was soft. But it wasn’t enough to convince Gun of such an absurd suggestion.</p><p>“You saw the article he wrote”</p><p>“Would you rather have something else for everyone to read then?” Tay says, trying to keep calm for the boy’s sake, but if he was being completely honest, he was getting tired of Gun being as dense as he was.</p><p>“We didn’t want you to see it, but apparently a group of seniors spread a picture of you and Arm, suggesting you were gay and was trying to steal him from Alice”, New showed Gun the picture that had already been deleted. They all knew it was a bad idea to show it to the boy, especially since it wasn’t only him being accused of it, but his cousin as well, “Wouldn’t that have been worse for your family to know if he hadn’t asked Tay to delete it immediately and divert the attention to something else?”</p><p><em>Off would do that? </em> He thought to himself. Why would he? For all these years he'd only shown Gun hell, why is he acting like Jesus all of a sudden?</p><p>Gun gawked at the group, he wondered why the boy would do that. But he knew he had to thank him somehow. The bell had rung before they could even go back to the question, the others leaving Gun, Tay, Jane and New, after hugging them with a simple “see you later”.</p><p>Just as the other had already left, Gun feels something cold rub harshly against his skin, picking it up and immediately recognizing the letter he’d always been receiving, and somehow, part of him felt so much better right after reading it, but he wondered why he only received it now, when he would usually receive it first thing in the morning.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Off got out of the car, thanking their family driver as he pushes the front gate for him to enter.</p><p>“Thank you, son, you may go in without me, I’ll be heading in soon”.</p><p>He walks towards the dimly lit front yard, removing his shoes and placing them on the shoe rack that was neatly placed beside the door.</p><p>“Oh, you’re home”, his mother greets him from the kitchen, greeting her with a soft kiss on the cheek, “I made dinner”.</p><p>“Thank you, but I already ate on the way home”, Off answers simply, heading towards the fridge  to pour himself a glass of water.</p><p>“I heard your paper caused you a ruckus with that troubled boy”</p><p>Off continued to pour the water into the glass despite the mentions of what happened earlier. He didn't mind that his mom didn't acknowledge him. But it's already been a harsh day, he didn't want to stress himself even more.</p><p>“Did he do that to you?” His mother grabs both his arms, “What if your dad sees?”</p><p>Off shrugs at the way that his mom completely ignored the fact that her son could have been hurt, but he didn’t do anything but gently take her harsh grip off of the open gashes on his arms that had probably opened once again from beneath the gauze.</p><p>“How could you let him do that to you?” She continues to stir into the pot she’d been cooking dinner in, letting their helpers turn off the stove for her, “That’s not what we taught you, Jumpol. We heard he didn’t even get a single scratch”.</p><p>Off furrowed his eyebrows, as he remained silent despite his mom displaying the horror that he’s had to live with for so long.</p><p>“You wouldn’t get anywhere in the military if you were to act like that all the time”</p><p>The mention of the word made him drop every thought in his mind at the moment. For a few moments, he'd remained silent. His mind wandering to the future that they'd already given him despite his disapproval.</p><p>“What if I didn’t follow through your orders?” Off spoke up, his voice was shaking from sudden fear. He was never like this, it was a fact that scared him even more.</p><p>“You know what happens”</p><p>Of course, Off whispers to himself. Sighing as he stood up.</p><p>He was forced to live under the shadow of his family, who had been officials in the military for nearly 4 decades, he didn’t have a choice. But what bothered him the most was having to call those people family when they literally only see him no more than that of another bullet in a decade-built gun.</p><p>He winced at the sight of blood seeping through the torn edges of the gauze, where his mother had held him. She didn’t even care at the sight of her son wincing from pain, all she had to say was, “Clean yourself up before your dad sees”.</p><p>
  <em>Just because I’m tough doesn’t mean I can’t feel anything.</em>
</p><p>Despite the pressure in his chest, Off still managed to smile and walk towards his mother to give her another kiss on the cheek.</p><p>“I’ll be in my room”, being his last words to her before turning back.</p><p>“Off”, his mother managed to call back before he could exit the kitchen.</p><p>“Yes?” Off smiles at her warmly.</p><p>She hesitates for a moment, looking at the gauze stained with blood, before looking back to the counter.</p><p>“That boy comes from a very influential family, don’t associate with him”, she sternly says, “And don’t worry, I won’t tell your dad about what happened”.</p><p>Off merely stares at her, he’d hoped she would say something else, something that would tell him she loved him. But all his life, he never even received it once, especially his dad. They only saw him as another recruit they had to train, forcing him to be someone he didn’t want to be. Their expectations were too high for him to even keep his feet on, he didn’t know I he could handle it any longer. But just like the kind boy he was, he does nothing but thank his mom and tell her once again that he was heading upstairs.</p><p>Off throws his stuff on the side of his bed, flopping onto it, relaxing as he hasn’t had a chance to for weeks.</p><p>He was about to drift off to sleep when he feels a buzz in his side pocket, with Tay’s ringtone echoing around the room.</p><p>
  <em>“We’re no strangers to love, you know the rules and so do I..” </em>
</p><p>Off rolls his eyes, Tay probably changed his ringtone when he wasn’t looking. He scoffed at how immature it was for Tay to rickroll him like it was still 2007.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“You like your new ringtone?” Tay chuckles from the other side of the phone.</p><p>“Fuck you”, Off scoffs at Tay, “You’re such a kid”.</p><p>“Hopefully I’d stayed that way, to be honest”</p><p>“What happened?”</p><p>“They’re still bugging me about the military thing”</p><p>“Same”, Off smiled sadly, “We don’t have much of a choice, we’d just die right away anyway. We’re nothing but disposable cannonballs they get to lunge in for battle”.</p><p>“Yeah, just because our dads’ brains weren’t blown out doesn’t mean we aren’t”</p><p>Off chuckles, but he knew he shouldn’t have. He had a bad feeling in his gut every time he thought of explosions and fire, like something bad was going to happen.</p><p>“I heard Jane already gave her answer”, Off whispered against the phone.</p><p>“Well, like you said, we don’t have much of a choice. We’re next in our families’ lines either way”, Off could hear Tay sigh from the other line. They both knew they didn’t want it. But they both knew they had to make their families proud.</p><p>“So what are your plans for summer?”</p><p>Off thought for a long time before he could even come up with an answer, he guessed he could enter summer internships, but then again he didn’t have a future to plan for, since it was already planned to before he was even born.</p><p>“Not really sure”</p><p>“Come with us then, we’re going to the summer festivals the school is hosting”</p><p>“Nah”</p><p>“Come on!”</p><p>Off didn’t really have a reason to be out of the house anyway. He was sure his parents would condemn him to stay in the house. He planned on following through until he heard Tay speak again.</p><p>“We might have convinced Gun to come”</p><p>Off shifted his position to sit up to stare out the window beside his bed, ignoring the rushing in his chest when he heard his best friend mention the boy’s name.</p><p>“Sorry about what he did anyway”</p><p>Off put Tay on speaker as he stared at the moon, thinking of a certain boy as he blinds himself with the piercing beauty of the moonlight.</p><p>“It’s fine, I’m used to it” Off simply answers.</p><p>“Are you mad at him?”</p><p>He had to think for a while, looking back at the moon. But then again, how could he be?</p><p>“How could I?”</p><p>“Well, for one, he fucking pushed you against glass”</p><p><em>“</em>It was my fault anyway<em>”</em></p><p>“You’re covering for him again. He shouldn’t have done that either way”, Tay explains to him, his voice harsh against his heating phone.</p><p>Off had gone silent again, making Tay question him once more.</p><p>“What do you really think of Gun?”</p><p>The boy stares back at the moon, stinging his eyes by its beauty. It was so far, and yet he felt so close to it the more he stared at it. He thought back to Gun.</p><p>“He’s just someone..” he pauses, thinking deeply. His mind wandering back to the night they walked home together.</p><p> </p><p> “..who needs someone”.</p><p> </p><p>They talked more throughout the night before finally hanging up. But as he stared back at the glowing full moon in the dark sky, he thought about another boy, wondering if he was having a better night than he did, wishing he’d have a better night’s sleep than him and asking him subconsciously if he was looking at the same moon as him, and deep inside Off’s tough and already-breaking heart, he somehow wished that the person the boy needed was him, because he would be lying if he said he didn’t mean himself as well when he said that to Tay.</p><p>Gun on the other hand, was on the other side of the city hugging his knees, crouched on his warm futon, staring back at the moon and wishing someone heard his whispers of help as he succumbs into another lonely night after breaking down like he always would, with nothing but the pressure from the ugly world around him and the expectations of reality pressing onto his entire being, the only thing good about his day was a crumpled piece of paper resting in his grip.</p><p>It was funny that he found comfort in someone he didn’t even know, but their words were more than enough to make Gun’s day brighter, and his sleep much more peaceful than he would normally anticipate, much more than anyone else he knew.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong> <em>Look out from the window,</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>And back at the moon,</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>When you feel like tears are falling,</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>You’ll see it look back at you too.</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>The days will get much harder,</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>And the wounds will be as deep,</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>But when you feel like knives cut deeper,</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>Just remember that you’re a tougher knife to beat.</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>  </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>Always and Forever, Anonymous.</em> </strong>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hi, this chapter was shit, but i hope you understood where I was heading with it. i had to rush it a little bit because i hate writing something as if i'm going in circles. And i want you to understand that i kind of had to because it's beginning to be a bit more serious, since this is a serious work of fiction after all, but you clicked on this so i guess you signed up for this HAHAHA. </p><p>thank you for the support for this fic, it really means a lot.</p><p>reach out to me on twitter if you have any queries and suggestions @chnamon_bun</p><p>i love you.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. nine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>9</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>2012; Last day of Junior Year</strong>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <strong>“Fix You – Coldplay </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>3:33 – 4:56</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Always and Forever, Anonymous.”</strong>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p><em>“And you know, for you I’d bleed myself dry”, </em>Gun fumbled around with his music player app on his iPhone, “What fucking part is it?”</p>
<p>He sat in the empty classroom with their homeroom adviser seated at the very front of the room, as if he was even thinking of going anywhere in that hell hole.</p>
<p>“Gun”, his teacher called out to him, “I suggest that you start with your work already, you still have 2 weeks worth of quizzes”.</p>
<p>The boy groaned, leaning back into his seat and wondering how the hell he got into that position. He thought back to the events from yesterday. It’s been an entire day and yet he still couldn’t process the taller boy’s words in his head.</p>
<p>
  <em>“I had to do it for you”</em>
</p>
<p>The slight thought of it gave him shivers, like something had crawled into his back and rubbed harshly against it, enough to resonate throughout his whole body.</p>
<p>He looked down at the progress he’d obtained, sighing from relief when he saw no more papers unanswered on his desk. He stood up almost immediately, gathering all the papers he’d done and rushed over to the front desk after compiling it in the assigned folder.</p>
<p>“That was quick”, the middle-aged lady looked up at him as it had been less than an hour that he’d been there. Sure, it was over about 45 minutes, but for Gun, who literally could have been out celebrating with his friends instead, it felt like more than a year that he’d been stuck in that cold-ass classroom without even a jacket as he forgot to put one on that morning since he slept in.</p>
<p>The others felt like it wasn’t Gun at all, like the person who went to school an hour later than he usually would was an entirely different being who’d just inhabited itself in Gun’s body. For him, however, it was nothing. But they’d be damned if Gun was completely aware of all the changes he’d been through recently. It surprised even the most unexpected people that Gun had said no to a night out for the 4<sup>th</sup> time in a row. But the truth was, Gun was completely aware, he just didn’t want to think about it.</p>
<p>“Is that all? ‘Cos I would rather be going home now”, Gun muttered as soon as he saw his teacher checking the papers.</p>
<p>“And where would you be going?”</p>
<p>The boy groaned, rolling his eyes slightly before answering.</p>
<p>“I have a family dinner”, the boy lied. He wasn’t entirely being dishonest however. He thought back to Chimon running to his class to inform him that his dad was coming home for the first time in a month, and that they had arranged a dinner at one of the finest restaurants, immediately dismissing the thought of going as he thought that he didn’t fit quite well with that type of atmosphere. The boy just wanted to get out immediately and go back home where no one can see him.</p>
<p>“You are aware that there’s still a lot that you’re assigned to do tonight right?” She raised her eyebrows at the boy, who rolled his eyes once again, visibly this time, “Attitude, Mr. Punsawat”.</p>
<p>“Don’t call me that name”, he muttered, avoiding eye contact with her. It was funny how everyone knew about his situation but still bothered to talk about his family with him either way. It shows just how insensitive people are where he was from.</p>
<p>“Well, okay, Gun, but you still need to serve your suspension”, she continued to scan through his works, “I don’t understand how you got full marks on everything in just a matter of 30 minutes”.</p>
<p>“It’s basic stuff”, Gun simply answers, still standing lazily beside the teacher’s table.</p>
<p>He groaned once again when she stood up and walked towards his desk, immediately going back to him when she couldn’t seem to find anything under the desk.</p>
<p>“What?” He complained when she turned to look at his hands, immediately asking him to empty his pockets and pat himself, in hopes of hearing a rustling of paper, “I have nothing”.</p>
<p>It was a normal circumstance for him. No one seemed to believe him whenever he gets full marks on exams. It didn’t even bother him when the teacher went to check the classroom’s internet server to see if he’d done some research while she wasn’t looking. He knew a lot, but he didn’t understand why he had to put effort into things that wouldn’t even help him in the future.</p>
<p>“You turned it off earlier, how was I supposed to use it?” Gun sighed, “Look, I know I’m a bad person, but I’m not stupid”.</p>
<p>She looked up at him, giving the boy sorry eyes unlike her usual irritated expression as if she’d accused him of a crime.</p>
<p>“You’re not a bad person, kid”, she looked back down on her desk and continued to check the weeks’ worth of homework he’d done in less than an hour, “You’re just troubled”.</p>
<p>“It’s the same thing”, the boy said. Everyone was aware at the fact that he was one of the most well-liked people in their school, however if he was honestly speaking, he wouldn’t trust that fact in any way, knowing just how often people would talk about him behind his back, “People judge you based on your background anyway”.</p>
<p>“You have potential”, she sighed, “I just don’t understand why you keep on wasting it”</p>
<p><em>No one ever does, </em>he whispered to himself.</p>
<p>The lady on the desk looked up at the boy once more, feeling guilty as she had just misunderstood him, giving him nothing but a simple glance of sympathy which Gun is most likely sick of receiving already at this point in life. Not a lot of people know what’s going on in his life, but the teachers are definitely one of them, considering just how nosy most of them are. He hated it to say the least, but he knew he couldn’t do anything about it, so he lets it go just like everything else in his life. The former however had lost hope in checking on the boy, focusing back on the pile of work she’d been left with, and patting the piles of folders on the desk in order to straighten it.</p>
<p>“Okay”, she says, clearing her throat in order to catch the boy’s attention, who’d been staring out the window the whole time, “Bring this to the audio visual room, and find the assigned student council member, he will assign you with your suspension service”, the boy groans as his teacher hands him another pile of folders and a huge basket of dvd’s and old vhs tapes, “He’s the only one in the school at this hour, we gave him permission with the supervision of the security guard, you’ll find him easily”.</p>
<p>“Have a good day”, Gun whispers quietly when she smiled at him, disappointed at the fact that the sky was already beginning to get darker. The teacher sighs at the lost hope that just walked out the door. She’d be lying if she said she wasn’t surprised that the boy still had the strength to remind her to have a good day even though it was already obvious from the look of his face that he wasn’t, looking back at the poor troubled boy who walked along the hallways alone as she joined her fellow faculty members on their way home.</p>
<p>“Wrong fucking song”, he sighs, fumbling on the screen of his phone while walking through the dark hallways, gripping the items his teacher had given him on the other hand while the other looked for the song he wanted to search for.</p>
<p>It’s been a few more minutes of wandering through the halls when he finds himself inserting the keys into the door, opening it as he enters the dark and cold room. He shivers, but not because of the cold air, he was already used to it, as a matter of fact, what he was overwhelmed about, believe it or not was the fact that he had to be alone in that room while doing unwanted work. He already had way too much experience of that, he didn’t know why he was hesitating to do it, but there was just something pulling him back that day for some reason. The minute he saw the dark room, his heart sank, walking towards the shelf beside the built-in projector as he fumbled with the blazer of his uniform, hurriedly placing the items on the shelf.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, the boy was shaking too much from the darkness, that he didn’t even realize just how high up he was reaching for, his body falling with a loud thud along with the heavy clattering of the vhs tapes and dvd’s. Gun lies on his back, sighing like he normally would while leaning his head further onto the floor, his shaking worsens as a gust of wind blows against him, which made him close his eyes amidst his heavy breathing. He didn’t want to call it by its name but he was sure he was having another panic attack.</p>
<p>“You’ll be fine”, he takes heavy and deep breaths, trying to calm himself down, while massaging his eyelids, “You’ll get out”.</p>
<p>He couldn’t understand why he won’t just stand up, it was easy to do. But he stayed there, frozen and still shaking as another wave of frustration succumbs his entire being. The boy closes his eyes and lets it overcome him once more, thinking it was the only way to get through it.</p>
<p>“Who’s here--”, a voice interrupts his thoughts, but his remained close, “Hey, what the hell, how could you be so careless”, the voice continued to rant as Gun heard the owner gathering the dvd’s.</p>
<p>“Do you have any idea on how rare these are?” The voice reprimanded him once more, but he was too busy drowning in his thoughts.</p>
<p> It felt like a wave of – not only fear, but also a terrifying sense of uncertainty as he imagined himself once more, lying in a dark ocean, no one hearing him, not even noticing that he was already drowning. No wonder he couldn’t move.</p>
<p>The boy who was in the room with Gun didn’t even notice that the person he was talking to was lying motionlessly on the cold floor. It was too dark to dwell upon him, that he didn’t even think to look at who was in the room with him, but his focus on gathering and de-cluttering the mess ultimately came to a stop the moment he took one glance at the motionless body who was shaking non-stop.</p>
<p>There was a slight pause from the noise the boy was making when he noticed the familiar figure lying on the ground, lying in fetal position on the cold and dusty ceramic floor.</p>
<p>“Gun?” the boy took no time to run over to him, trying to understand what was happening to him as the boy shivered. He realized from his deep breaths, heavy sweating, cold hands, and his unawareness to the noise, that the boy indeed was having a panic attack.</p>
<p>“Hey”, the voice was soft, but Gun kept his eyes shut, trying to calm himself down, but he couldn’t stop from shivering violently. He felt a warm hand against his cold one, and a soft touch against his face that made his thoughts come to a slight pause. Every time he’s had a panic attack around someone, he would feel them shaking him, more violently than the one he was already witnessing his body do. This time was different, he couldn’t calm down immediately, but the soft touch on his hand definitely helped.</p>
<p>“It’s okay, someone’s here with you”, the voice was also shaking, it was obviously the first time it witnessed something like this, “I’m here”, despite the growing nervousness in his voice, he still managed to remain calm for the already-still boy who was still lying on the floor who already had his arms around him. If he’d found out who was embracing him tightly, he would probably freak out, but the only thing that was important for the boy was for him to feel better.</p>
<p>The boy slowly kept his breaths even as minutes passed by, not even acknowledging the warm presence around him, but he would be lying if he said he wasn’t moved to witness something like this. It was the first time he’d felt like this, he’s usually alone while going through these extremities, but it was a touching feeling to have someone with him when all his negativity come crashing down. For some reason, he didn’t feel the need to ask who it was, he felt comfortable around this person, and he definitely knew what he was doing.</p>
<p>“Hey, you’re okay”, the boy embracing Gun spoke up when his breaths were even, “You’re okay”.</p>
<p>Gun slowly sat up, opening his eyes, but still leaning against the warm person beside him.</p>
<p>“Thank you”, he sighs.</p>
<p>“I wouldn’t have left you here, would I?” the other chuckles. The slight laugh made Gun widen his eyes once he completely calmed down, realizing why the warm presence felt so familiar; it was none other than the boy he spent majority of his high school career hating.</p>
<p>“J-Jumpol?” he backs away from the boy, feeling embarrassed, as the boy had just witnessed him in a state like that, “Oh my God”.</p>
<p>“Are we going on first name basis now?” Off raised his eyebrows, “Relax, I didn’t take advantage of you”, the last comment made Gun scoff, of course he wouldn’t, that would be fucked up if he did.</p>
<p>He backed away from Off a bit, still a bit ashamed of how he acted.</p>
<p>“Why the fuck are you acting all shy now?” It was a few moments of silence until Off spoke up, it was unusual for Gun to be this vulnerable. The boy was used to him being hostile all the time. It was the first time he saw him in a state like this, “Trust me, you have a whole lot more moments to be ashamed of than this”.</p>
<p>Gun glared at the boy when he said this, making it known to Off of how annoyed he was by kicking him on the shin.</p>
<p>“Shut up”, the boy said, standing up to leave the room when the latter spoke up.</p>
<p>“It’s true, you’ve always been a piece of shit”, what Off said made Gun pause, his breath hitching until the former continues to speak, “But it’s refreshing to see you on the vulnerable side like a normal person”, Gun sighs hearing the boy’s last statement, staring at the gauze on his forearms, and the huge bandages covering a large portion of skin surrounding his neck and face.</p>
<p>The boy doesn’t speak. He couldn’t even talk back to the boy. Despite his appreciation for what he’s done minutes earlier, he was still mad at him for what he did. But for some reason, even though he wanted to act as rashly as he did, he just couldn’t. There was something pulling him back from deep inside him.</p>
<p><em>I did it for you, </em>it still rung in his ear, and it never stopped, even when he felt Off pulling him up and dragging him out the room.</p>
<p>He wondered how the boy continued to treat him nicely despite his notorious behaviour towards him. It drove Gun insane just by thinking about it. The fact that he didn’t know why made him even more insane. He didn’t know if it was guilt, or if it was just because of the fact that he had no idea why the boy was so nice. The goodness in his behaviour made it seem so ingenuine, considering the fact that the boy did nothing but treat him like absolute shit. He just couldn’t understand how the latter could still find it in him to treat him otherwise, even though he sometimes threw the exact amount of shittiness at him.</p>
<p>It had always been that way. But something inside Gun had changed the moment he felt Off’s presence on that faithful night that he tore that paper from his notebook. He suddenly felt like the perfect human specimen Off Jumpol was being was far from the real him, and he slowly began being accustomed to the boy he’s hated for nearly his whole high school life, like the smart-ass classmate from his middle school had completely been wiped away.</p>
<p>Gun shook his head, realizing just how ridiculous it sounded that he was thinking of his number one enemy in that way.</p>
<p>“I finished your suspension work for you”, the boy that Gun had just been thinking about spoke up, making him widen his eyes, surprised by his words.</p>
<p>“Why the hell would you do that?” He exclaimed. He wasn’t going to lie, of course he was relieved to have his work done before he could even start, but the fact that the boy had done it willingly left him wondering why. It made him even more guilty.</p>
<p>He continued to whine at how stupid Off was for doing it for him until they reached the front of the student council room. He wasn’t even surprised to find out that Off was part of the student board.</p>
<p>“Come on, stop acting like Tay’s cousin, you’re better than that”, Off grabbed Gun’s wrist, pulling him inside.</p>
<p>Gun pulled back his hand, standing outside the room.</p>
<p>“Look, if you’re doing this to get revenge on me, then fucking stop it, it’s not funny”.</p>
<p>Off turned around to look at the boy who’d been acting like a bitchy 6 year old, but he maintained his relaxed composure and soft demeanour.</p>
<p>“I’m not”</p>
<p>“Then why the fuck are you doing it? If it’s to make me feel bad, then congrats, it’s working”</p>
<p>The taller boy stepped toward Gun, a look of disappointment and disbelief in his eyes were evident.</p>
<p>“Look, what do you want from me?” Gun asked with a tough voice, pushing Off aback, “Just name it, I’ll give it you, just stop making me feel bad if that’s what you’re doing”.</p>
<p>“For someone who got full marks in 30 minutes, you could be bitchy little brat sometimes, you know?” Off scoffed.</p>
<p>“Just fucking tell me”.</p>
<p>“Gun, not everyone wants favors from you”, He calmly says, “You may act like a piece of shit most of the time, but that doesn’t mean I’d want to treat you the same”, Off explains in a calm voice, unlike Gun’s harsh tone, “Just because everyone treats you like shit doesn’t mean I have to as well”.</p>
<p>Gun was left speechless, for the first time to say the least. He couldn’t process the boy’s words in his mind, so he just follows the boy’s lead and enters the dark room which was dimly lit with the bright glow eliciting from his laptop.</p>
<p>Off’s eyes follow Gun’s movements, the way he slumped down on the ground and the way he cursed when he found that his phone was already dead. He didn’t know why he was so captivated by the boy who yelled ridiculous profanities at him, but it was the simple and casual things like this that surely catches Off’s attention. Just the simple tell-tale signs that the boy was human, unlike the plastic and robotic disguise he would display to the world. Despite how shitty Gun was towards him, it was the real him, and for some reason, it drove the boy insane. He knew that he just had to unlock a certain part of the boy in order to get him to atleast un-hate him a little bit.</p>
<p>Off walked towards his desk, sitting down on his chair when he heard a soft voice arise from the other side of the room.</p>
<p>“Off”</p>
<p>He looked at the boy almost immediately, giving him a soft look and slight raise of his eyebrow.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry”</p>
<p>“Don’t”, the boy simply says, “If you’re not sincere, then it’s okay. You don’t have to say you’re sorry”.</p>
<p>“But I am”, it was hard for Gun, it took almost his entire being to lower his pride a bit to say sorry to the boy. He avoid Off’s gaze, which only made the boy look at him with a soft smile, something that he wasn’t used of seeing.</p>
<p>It all happened in a blur. Just a day ago he was yelling at Off with all his anger, but now, here he was realizing that he might have been wrong about Off all along. It still made him question the fact that Off didn’t even have a reason to be this nice to him all these years. He just realized that the boy wouldn’t even go as far as him whenever they would argue, it was surreal for him to find someone to display such behaviour without anything in return, but he still had doubts.</p>
<p>“Okay”, Off simply answers, “Then I forgive you”.</p>
<p>“What?” Gun exclaims, “No! You’re supposed to yell at me, or even curse at me. Why aren’t you doing that?”</p>
<p>“That’s not me, Gun. You already have too much going around in your life, I wouldn’t want to be your problem more than I already am”.</p>
<p>Gun stares at Off, who was busy typing in his laptop.</p>
<p>“But why? I’m a horrible person”</p>
<p>“Everyone is, Gun. Nobody is all pure and innocent like they all claim to be. I just don’t want to be the person who makes you feel that way”, Off looks up from his laptop a bit and stares at Gun.</p>
<p>“Is that why you let me talk shit about you?”</p>
<p>“Perhaps”, Off continues, “Or perhaps I just find your bluntness hilarious”, he chuckles, earning a glare from Gun, “You blurt out the most absurd shit sometimes, it’s amusing”.</p>
<p>“Because most of them are true”, Gun avoids Off’s gaze and folds his arms.</p>
<p>“You accused me of taking drugs back in first year ‘cos you ran out of shit to say when I just kept smirking at you”</p>
<p>“Who the fuck continues to smile when they’re in the middle of an argument?”</p>
<p>“Correction”, Off smirks, “You were arguing, I was listening”.</p>
<p>A silence envelopes both of them when Gun ran out of words to say. An instance that was as rare as seeing him smiles.</p>
<p>“Why do you even hate me that much?”</p>
<p>Gun looks up at the taller boy who was still busy with his computer, his eyes widen, not knowing what to fucking answer.</p>
<p>“Honestly”, Gun begins, “I just hate how perfect you are at everything, it intimidates me”, he didn’t understand why he was being so blatantly honest at the boy, but there was something about the atmosphere in the room that made him comfortable around him.</p>
<p>“Well, I’m not”, Off chuckles, “I’m just as heavy of a burden as much as you”.</p>
<p>“Stop shitting me, everybody likes you”</p>
<p>“You’re kidding me, they like you more”</p>
<p>“Yeah, everyone likes me just as much as they hate me”, Gun smiles sadly, “Everyone likes you and actually enjoy your company”.</p>
<p>“Why do you think that?”</p>
<p>“Everyone thinks that”.</p>
<p>“They think that about you too”</p>
<p>“No, you’re heavily mistaken”, Gun chuckles, “But I just keep up with it, high school’s just going to end as fast as it started anyway”.</p>
<p>“Well”, Off begins, “If it makes you feel any better, I think you’re actually a pretty decent person to hang out with”.</p>
<p>Once again, Gun was speechless. This was the first time he had a genuine conversation with Off, and for some reason, it felt so wrong, but at the same time, he liked the feeling of having someone to talk to other than himself or his usual friends.</p>
<p>“Did I make Gun Atthaphan speechless?” Gun was surprised to find Off sitting besde him, grinning as he made another stupid comment.</p>
<p>“Am I really fun to be with?” The shorter boy asks out of context, making Off stutter a bit.</p>
<p>“I-I mean, yeah? Of course”</p>
<p>“How? We barely even have proper conversations”</p>
<p>“Believe it or not, you kind of entertain me all those times you talk shit at me”</p>
<p>“You have a weirdass sense of humor”, Gun pushed him away playfully, “Is this why you dragged me in here with you and did all my shit for me?” He raised his eye brows jokingly at Off.</p>
<p>“No”, Off says, “I dragged you in here ‘cos you can’t leave until half past 9 when you’re expected to leave, otherwise they’d accuse you of slacking off again”, the latter was kind of disappointed when he heard this, he didn’t know why, “Plus, I know the dark terrifies you”.</p>
<p>Gun’s eyes widen when he hears Off, but the latter immediately taking the hint of his discomfort.</p>
<p>“Wait, that’s not what I meant, I’m sorry”.</p>
<p>The boy kept apologizing. He didn’t even notice that he was already holding onto the shorter boy’s hand as he continued to shake the boy, remembering the terrifying scene he’d already witnessed earlier on. The boy was calm the moment he laid his hands on Gun, but honestly, he was terrified as hell. The more he stared at him, the more that his heart pounded. He didn’t know what to do, he just assumed that he was supposed to help him steady his heart beat and calm him down. He knew he couldn’t do a lot, since panic attacks were something that could only start and end with the person who was experiencing it themselves. He felt bad for the boy that the only logical thing he could do was hold his hand as he calmed himself down. But neither of the two had realized just how much of an impact it was on the both of them. It made them understand each other more. Off hoped that a simple gesture like that could finally end the feud between them, and the unexplainable hatred Gun had for Off.</p>
<p>Gun looked at Off and realized just how shitty he was to have treated this pure boy like how he did all those years. For some reason, it felt as if something had snapped inside of him when he meant to release a mocking scoff at Off, only to form his lips into a gentle smile that caught both of them off guard.</p>
<p>The taller boy was mesmerized to have seen such a rare sight, but it was cut short when Gun felt shy and looked away from him within a second.</p>
<p>“By the way, I did your suspension work ‘cos I didn’t have anything else to do”, Off  lied. Off was a lot of things, but he definitely wasn’t a liar --not a good one at least.</p>
<p>“What do you mean when you said you did it for me?”</p>
<p>Despite the deafening silence that enveloped them once again, Gun had enough courage to ask Off.</p>
<p>“They were spreading rumors that you were gay”, Off paused, “I mean, not that it’s bad or anything, but we all know how highschool works”.</p>
<p>“So why did you write that?”</p>
<p>Off felt weird hearing Gun let him speak, but it was definitely something he had to get used to.</p>
<p>“I had to write about something that people wanted to hear in order to do damage control”</p>
<p>“But what made you think you were controlling damage?”</p>
<p>“I was stupid okay”, Off paused, throwing his head back, “I didn’t have anything else to write about to turn their attention to, so I just thought of that”.</p>
<p>It still pissed Gun off since it didn’t really do any damage control. But the tiny fact that Off had tried to help in his stupid little way made Gun feel a bit cared for.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry”, Off whispered quietly. Gun looked at him with an unusually soft demeanour, saying a few words Off couldn’t believe had just come out from the one and only Gun Atthaphan.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Never mind then, don’t worry about it”.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>The air was cold in the classroom from the midnight breeze that wrapped around the entire school on a cold January evening as the two boys dwell around the heat that their stares were bringing upon each other. It’s been hours since they’ve been there, talking about stupid things, and surprisingly entertaining each other without even a single hint of a budding argument; it felt weird, but definitely not bad. The two were sitting in the empty room with nothing but a dim light eliciting from Off’s cell phone as Gun’s had already died the moment he walked inside the room.</p>
<p>Gun had no idea why he let himself be stuck inside a room with none other than the person he thought hated the most, but something deep inside him had been holding onto Off ever since they entered the room.</p>
<p>“Why don’t you leave?” Off’s voice rung around the entire room, echoing throughout the four walls of the room, “I mean you could’ve left hours ago, you have nothing left to do, and it’s almost 10”.</p>
<p>“I don’t want to go home”, Gun simply says, “I’d rather be stuck here with a loud-mouth like you than return to that hell-hole”, Gun sighs from utter discomfort as he’s forced to think about another thing he would rather forget.</p>
<p>“Why don’t you go home to your family?” Off questions the boy innocently, “I would kill to live in a mansion on top of a hill”.</p>
<p>“Nothing about that house is home”, Gun scoffs, smiling bitterly at how innocent Off was, “Nothing about those people is home”.</p>
<p>Off gives the boy a questioning look.</p>
<p>“It’s a house, it’s the same thing”, Gun returns the boy’s questioning look, eyes filled with utter disbelief at how stupid the boy was.</p>
<p>“You literally garnered every single award that this school has to offer, and yet you can’t understand a simple metaphor”, Gun chuckles at the mindless boy.</p>
<p>“Well it’s not a metaphor to begin with”, Off avoids eye-contact, as it felt like the first time that Gun had proven him wrong. Gun, however, just smiles at the boy rather than giving him his usual snarky comment. He didn’t know why, but he liked the idea of Off like this, he began to understand him the more time they spent together alone.</p>
<p>“What did you mean, though?” Off speaks up, snapping Gun from back into reality, out of his thoughts. It wasn’t like Off at all to hear the other side of a party, but he was curious about what Gun meant, “I mean you have all the requirements of what a home should be, you have four walls, and a roof, what else do you need to consider it a home?”</p>
<p>“Not every house is a home”, The taller turned to the shorter boy when he spoke. Gun sighs deeply, sitting next to Off on the window ledge, leaning his head against the sill as he folds his legs down to sit in a comfortable position.</p>
<p>“Love”, Gun turns his head to glance at Off, who finally understood what he meant, “A house is a structure with four walls and a roof. It’s a temporary building. A home is your permanent safe zone from the temporary bliss you call the world”.</p>
<p>“A home is something that makes you feel whole in a world that breaks you apart”, Off stares at the younger boy as he continues his sentiment, “It’s your fortress that gives you none other than everything you need --safety, security and most importantly, love”.</p>
<p>Gun realizes just how long he’s been staring at Off, the whole time he was talking probably. The latter, on the other hand, was surprised at the other boy. He didn’t think he was capable of saying, even thinking of that alone, at all. It was such a surprise for the older boy that not only did his heart start pounding, his hands began to shake at the sole thought of how lonely the boy was to even think of something like that.</p>
<p>The younger boy looked away from the latter, breathing deeply as he felt the tears streaming down from his eyes. He was nervous to say the least, he didn’t want to look vulnerable around the boy whom he just yelled at hours ago. He was embarrassed again. He didn’t want to humiliate himself. But as they sat beside each other staring at the moon and sharing breaths of cold breeze in the freezing classroom, they both knew that everything was going to be fine, disregarding the fact that it was the most unusual thing to see Gun Atthaphan crying.</p>
<p>The older thought about doing the most convenient thing possible when Gun Atthaphan cries; make fun of him and run away in hopes of him not find him and  living a long life. But then again, as they sat in the empty classroom with no one else around them, he couldn’t help but unleash the soft spot he’s always had for the boy. He realized that the boy was already starting to trust him, considering everything they’ve been talking about since they got there.</p>
<p> He noticed how the boy’s fingers were shaking from the freezing sensation in the classroom as he broke down in front of it. It was a brave thing to do for a boy like him, Off thought.</p>
<p>“You know”, Off begins as he shifts his position on the floor, removing his sweater and putting it over the shaking boy despite the latter’s utter shock, “Other than what happened earlier, this is the first time I saw you like this”.</p>
<p>What he saw earlier was far different from what he was seeing now. Something about Gun willingly breaking down in front of Off made him feel as if the boy trusted him.</p>
<p>Gun doesn’t even realize until now that the sweater that Off had been sporting since middle school was now around him, wrapped against his arms, slightly falling from his shoulder as it was a little big on him.</p>
<p>“Go ahead and make fun of me all you want”, Gun buries his face into Off’s sweater, breathing in the scent of mint and vanilla, “Everyone knows you hate me, despite what you said earlier”.</p>
<p>The fact that Gun tried to push the idea of everyone hating him irritated the hell out of the taller boy. It frustrated Off so much, but he knew he couldn’t do anything about it, knowing the type of environment Gun had been brought up in.</p>
<p>“That’s just you”, the other boy chuckles, “I simply just ride along with you”.</p>
<p>“Why?”</p>
<p>Off was silent for a while, before thinking of an answer simpler than his usual ones.</p>
<p>“Because I know you just need someone”.</p>
<p>Gun wiped the tears from his eyes, “Yeah, sure”, he chuckles, but deep inside, he knew it was true.</p>
<p>“Don’t deny it”, Off scooted closer toward him, he knew it was a very unusual thing to do, but he stood by his statement, and he wanted to be there for Gun, “You look stupid trying to deny shit”.</p>
<p>Off took out his earbuds, handing the other one to Gun, and playing the first song he sees in his playlist.</p>
<p>“That’s a shit playlist”, Gun scoffs, “Who the fuck listens to Simple Plan at our age?”</p>
<p>Off lightly hits Gun, cursing him off for insulting his favourite band, making the boy chuckle as they almost fall off the ledge.</p>
<p>
  <em>Do you ever feel like breaking down? Do you ever feel out of place</em>
</p>
<p>The first few lines of <em>‘Welcome to my Life’ </em>rung throughout both of the boys’ ear drums, making Gun glance at Off with a questioning look.</p>
<p>“I didn’t know you were this edgy”</p>
<p>“Shut up”</p>
<p>
  <em>You don’t know what it’s like to be like me.</em>
</p>
<p>It was definitely something that both boys have felt and still are currently feeling to be completely honest, but there was something about the way they sat together after sharing a significant amount of their lives with each other under the glowing moon above them under the dark sky and the freezing breeze, that made both boys feel the opposite for the first time, listening to the lyrics, but not relating to it at the moment.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“I can’t believe it’s almost midnight”, Gun complained, stretching his sore back and legs while Off waved goodbye at the night guard stationed at the front of the gate, wishing them a safe walk home.</p>
<p>“You’re one to complain”, Off yawned, considering as it was already past his curfew already, “You were the one who didn’t want to leave”.</p>
<p>“You didn’t have to accompany me”</p>
<p>“Well, I wanted to”</p>
<p>“Then stop complaining”, Gun turned around to continue walking, facing away from Off.</p>
<p>Off kept walking behind him, adoring the way his sweater bounced at the motions of Gun’s walking.</p>
<p>“Oh shit”, Gun whispers, interrupting Off’s thoughts.</p>
<p>“What is it?”</p>
<p>“Gun Atthaphan!” A voice from a near corner echoed throughout the streets, “Took you long enough”</p>
<p>“What the fuck?” Off whispered to himself, seeing a group of people walk towards the boy who was infront of him.</p>
<p>“What the fuck are you guys doing here? It’s almost past midnight”, Gun backs away from Mike and the rest of his friend group from school.</p>
<p>“Well, you know”, Mike swung his arm on Gun’s shoulder.</p>
<p>The short boy glares at Ssing and Krist, who were accompanying Mike at that time of night.</p>
<p>“Don’t fucking look at us, he made us wait for you for almost 8 hours”, Ssing complained, rubbing his neck, as if showing just how many hours they had to stand there waiting for Gun.</p>
<p>“I am not going on a night out with you guys”, Gun tried to walk away, but was soon blocked by the group.</p>
<p>“No way are you backing out this time Atthaphan, you owe us four nights worth of drinks”, Fiat swung his arm on Gun’s other shoulder, chuckling as if everyone else found it funny.</p>
<p>“I didn’t even promise”, Gun tried to get out of their hold, but their grips were too strong, “Come on, I just want to go home”.</p>
<p>“No way. You promised on the first day of class that we were going out on the last day of school”, the group tried to block Gun’s way as Krist spoke, making Gun shiver.</p>
<p>Off, on the other hand was at the other side of the street to be noticed by the group, but he was definitely aware of how tired and uncomfortable Gun was already becoming. He began to wonder whether they were actually his real friends. No real friends would push their peer to discomfort just because they wanted their thirst to be quenched.</p>
<p>“You don’t even have anywhere to go to”, was the last thing Off had to hear before he spoke up.</p>
<p>“Actually, Gun has plans”, Off pushed through the two, unaware of the impact of Off’s push, making them nearly tumble on the ground as Off wrapped his arm around Gun’s shoulder, “And we’d better get going if he doesn’t want to be late”, the taller boy glances at Gun as if waiting if the boy getsthe situation.</p>
<p>Majority of the group widened their eyes as they felt like they witnessed something rarer than a blue moon sighting.</p>
<p>“You, Off Jumpol”, Mike folds his arms, gesturing to the two boys, “And Gun…. Have plans?”</p>
<p>Their faces looked as if they were painted with shock rather than disbelief, to see how close Off was to Gun, and the lather just letting the boy do what he wanted. The Gun they knew would probably push the boy Off and curse at him non-stop. It was odd seeing the two of them like this, to the point where it most likely became fishy.</p>
<p>“Yeah”, Gun exclaimed almost immediately, “Regarding my week-long suspension”.</p>
<p>The group found it hard to believe the two, but they knew they had to agree in the end, since Krist pointed out that Gun looked tired.</p>
<p>“So, we’re assuming you have to hang around Off the majority of the week?” Ssing glanced at the boy, noticing that he had a sweater on that definitely wasn’t his, he assumed that there was definitely something going on.</p>
<p>“To my dismay, unfortunately, yes”, Gun sighs, earning a glare from Off, who still had his arm around the boy, who immediately waved goodbye to his friends, pulling the taller boy with him and running away.</p>
<p>“Jesus Christ, are you insane?” Gun panted, still gripping onto the boy’s arm.</p>
<p>“What the fuck did I do?” Off laughed, slightly panting, since they had to run far enough to get away from the group, but it wasn’t fast enough for him to not notice the stares they received from the group.</p>
<p>“Never mind that”, Gun turned, facing Off, “I guess I still have to see your face this summer”.</p>
<p>The two continued walking with nothing guiding their way but a dim street light and the flashes of head lights from the cars driving past them every once in a while.</p>
<p>“Wouldn’t that be a treat?” Off joked, making Gun laugh a little bit.</p>
<p>He noticed just how different the boy was today. It was odd, and yet he couldn’t help but hope that he’d be like this every time they saw each other.</p>
<p>“I’m headed to my house”, Off informs Gun, “How about you?”</p>
<p>“Probably a night club or something, I don’t know. What else do you expect from me?”</p>
<p>Off turns to Gun, giving him a questioning look, as if saying ‘what the fuck’ through his eyes.</p>
<p>“You idiot”, Gun scoffed, “Of course I’m going back to mine”.</p>
<p>“Then, I’m walking you home”</p>
<p>Gun glanced at Off with disbelief. He couldn’t believe he’d hear Off saying that, considering the fact that he only heard those lines in romantic movies. It felt weird that he’d imagine himself in that scenario at that exact moment. What felt weirder was how he wasn’t even disgusted at the thought of it.</p>
<p>“Are you crazy? You live at the other side of town”</p>
<p>“It’s too dark for you to be walking alone, and I’m not letting you”, Off continued walking, ignoring the turn he would usually take in order to arrive at his house, grabbing Gun’s wrist again to make him walk faster.</p>
<p>“I’m a grown man, I can handle myself”</p>
<p>“Hmm”, Off looked him up and down, from his head down to his toes, as if emphasizing that he didn’t look like it at all, “Other people wouldn’t get the hint”, he joked.</p>
<p>“Fuck you”, Gun yelled, hitting Off slightly as he laughed, “Fine, do whatever you want”.</p>
<p>“But first”, Gun headed towards a small path into a an area filled with trees, “Let’s take a detour”.</p>
<p>“Are you gonna fucking kill me?” Off hesitated to walk on the path, but Gun insisted, scoffing at the boy and rolling his eyes at his failed attempt of a joke.</p>
<p>“I just walk here whenever I don’t feel like going back yet, but still have the goal of arriving anyway”.</p>
<p>Off understood the boy’s sentiment. He was probably stalling, since being back at home probably made him feel suffocated, so he needed to take a bit of a detour before he could go back to insanity.</p>
<p>Off simply smiled at Gun’s response, looking up to admire the glow from the moon, not noticing the way that Gun looked back at him, thinking maybe it was a good idea to fall from the shelf just hours ago, and wondering what the fuck he’s feeling as of the moment. He’s never felt this way before, but having spent time with Off the entire day, he soon found out that he was definitely not that bad. The feeling scared him, but the moment Off dropped him off at the front of his complex with a simple goodbye, without even the assurance that they’d be seeing each other again the next day, he felt a sense of peace he knew he’d never felt before.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>this chapter sucks, but i tried my best and that's what matters the most.</p>
<p>should i make a playlist for this? hmu on twitter if yes and suggest a song :))</p>
<p>t: @chnamon_bun</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. ten</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <strong>10</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>2012; summer break</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Gun sat at the ledge of the classroom window, slightly kicking the pile of finished works on the floor beside the window ledge. It’s been an hour—a long and dreadful hour in the heated hell-hole. Compared to what he felt the previous night, it felt as if the temperature drastically raised itself to the highest points of a thermometer. It felt like absolute hell, considering the fact that he wasn’t allowed to leave and he had to watch people go about their lives having fun outside.</p><p>He felt more lost than before, like he didn’t belong.</p><p>He leaned his head against the window sill, eyeing around the classroom and remembering the night before. Chills shot up his spine, making him crunch into a fetal position as he recalled what happened last night.</p><p> “See you”. It was the last thing that Gun had heard from him. And yet he could remember how flustered he was; the feeling of peace and security warming up his cold body that night. He hasn’t heard of him since last night, but he remembered feeling down when he thought that he wasn’t going to see him again. He wondered why it drove him insane. It was a strange feeling, and yet despite how bothered he was now, he was slightly relieved that he had something else to think about other than himself. It would probably drive him crazier if he was stuck thinking about his personal life. Thinking about the boy he thought he hated all his life is definitely saving him, even if he wouldn’t admit it.</p><p>He hasn’t seen him all day.</p><p>It’s not like he cared; atleast that’s what Gun wanted to think. But he wondered where the boy was, and if he was going to accept the fact of finding himself relishing in the boy’s presence last night. it was so unlike him. It felt strange, but he just stopped thinking of it altogether.</p><p>He felt even hotter than usual at the thought of last night, it fucking scared him to say the least.</p><p>He placed his hand on his forehead and swiped across it, realizing that he’s been sweating gallons ever since he first arrived in the suspension room. He didn’t know why he was the only one who was serving his suspension in the middle of summer break, the last thing he knew was he wasn’t the only one not abiding with the school rules. Usually he would think that the world just hated him, but for some reason, this time was different; because the thought didn’t even come across his mind. He genuinely felt bad for doing the boy dirty like that, even if he kept telling himself that it wasn’t his fault at all.</p><p>He stared outside once more.</p><p>“I hope you plastic wastes don’t melt yourselves while you laugh your asses off under the burning fucking sun”, he scoffs sarcastically at the students having fun outside, while the freshmen walking past the window giggled, turning red as they ran away to the opposite direction. Gun was clueless, dumbfounded by their reaction. “I was talking about you”, he whispers to himself.</p><p>“Talking about who?”, he heard a voice from behind, making him turn his head excitedly, but soon loses interest, terrified by the thought of hoping that it was someone else.</p><p>He rolls his eyes when he spots his overly-buff friend, sporting a tank top that barely even covered his chest.</p><p>“Oh, aren’t you at least a little bit excited to see the greatest person you’ve ever met in your life?” Mond chuckles, “Lighten up a little but will you?”</p><p>“How am I supposed to lighten up when the worst possible human being just decided to flash his unmanly boobs at me?” Gun turned back around to stare outside with a nonchalant expression, remaining in his position on the window sill, he continued to talk as Mond looks down at his chest, covering it in a joking manner, “What’s that even supposed to be, a tank top or a really shitty sports bra?”</p><p>“Okay, what the fuck is up with you?” Mond walks over to his moody friend. He wondered about his sudden expression. He thought it was way out of character for Gun to be acting like that. He wasn’t usually like this at all, and Mond began to wonder if it was something that he, or their other friends did. But the truth was, Gun was just being himself, he wasn’t sure why Mond would act as if it was new to him, he assumed that it was just because he hasn’t been spending as much time with them. But Mond was sensing something different in the boy without him noticing.</p><p>“Same old”, Gun blankly answers. His mind blank as well. He felt like he didn’t need to think about his answer, he didn’t know what was up with him, but he didn’t feel as worse as before. He’d rather empty his mind rather than think of it. He didn’t want to open another casket of problems. “Why do you ask?”</p><p>“What do you mean by ‘why do you ask’?” Mond’s tone was calm yet what he said was initially meant to intimidate Gun. He knew that the boy had a lot on his plate, but he still couldn’t understand the sudden change in Gun’s behaviour. It was too unnatural for him.</p><p>“You’ve been acting like a different person”, Gun was taken aback from his friend’s words, but his expression remained the same, “Not to mention last night”.</p><p>“What do you mean last night?” the boy asked, not even bothered to look up.</p><p>“When you just ran with Off like that”, Mond started, “It’s so not you. And the last thing I heard was you hated him enough to push him into a glass case”.</p><p>The mention of Off Jumpol’s name was enough to make Gun shift a little bit. Mond felt his tiny friend’s movement, shooting down his stare at the small boy, but Gun just readjusted himself, as if showing the boy that he was bothered at the mention of the name, but in reality, he felt a wave of peace rush over to him without notice.</p><p>“You weren’t even there last night, how would you know what happened?” his gaze shifted away from Mond’s, as if he didn’t want anyone else to remember that he was literally spending time with the person he said he despised the most.</p><p>“Uh, I was there, standing next to the rest of them”.</p><p>“No you weren’t”, Gun pushed.</p><p>“I’m literally the largest among all of us, how could you not spot me?”</p><p>“You weren’t there, so stop—“.</p><p>“Okay, it doesn’t matter whether I was there or not, my question remains unanswered”, Mond hears Gun sigh, “Is something troubling you? Is he bothering you?”</p><p>Gun immediately looked up at Mond, but his gaze eventually shifts down almost immediately.</p><p>“I mean don’t get me wrong, you always bother him. But is it about something in particular now?”</p><p>Gun glares at his friend’s comment, scoffing at him while he stared, still waiting for his answer.</p><p>“He’s not”.</p><p>“Then why were you with him last night?”</p><p>“I told you it’s just for my suspension, now stay out of it”, Gun stood up from his seat on the window ledge, moving to the other side of the room to check if there were any more work left to be done, hoping to distract himself from Mond bombarding his privacy.</p><p>“I know there’s something bothering you, Gun”.</p><p>“Oh really? How could you tell?” Gun scoffed sarcastically.</p><p>“Well, for one, you aren’t someone to turn down a night out”, Mond began, continuing as he still has a lot on his list. Gun, on the other hand, still remained unbothered.</p><p>“Second, you’ve been disappearing more than once now. You could even ask Chimon”, Gun slightly stops in his tracks while he rearranged the stuff in the room, turning to Mond who was clearly up to something.</p><p>“Third, you’ve been spotted more than once with Off.  I mean, what the hell is up with that?” Gun freezes in his spot, wondering why people made such a big deal out of it, “And don’t go on with your bullshit that it’s just about your suspension. We both know something’s up”.</p><p>“Yeah? What about it?”</p><p>Mond looked at him, dumbfounded at his boring expression.</p><p>“I mean, is this your way of self-harm? I mean, you hate him to begin with”. In all honesty, Mond meant all of it as a joke. Gun understood his sentiment, yet he didn’t feel like laughing at all. Nothing has happened, and yet he felt exhausted just by talking to Mond. He usually saw his friends as his resting place, but he wasn’t even sure of it anymore. He didn’t know why he was losing trust and energy in everything. For some reason, it was all too overwhelming for him.</p><p>It was silent for a while. Mond stayed silent when he realised that Gun wasn’t responding. Instead, the boy was staring into space again, his breaths getting heavier.</p><p>“Is your situation with your parents still rough?” Mond quietly asks Gun, trying not to trigger the poor boy, to which the boy nods.</p><p>“But it’s not that”, Gun responds shortly, “Nothing’s wrong. But everything seems… not right”. He stutters, “I don’t know, I can’t explain”.</p><p>“You know you can talk to me, right?”</p><p>“I’m not even sure of that anymore”.</p><p>The bigger boy frowns at his tiny friend’s answer. It was like Gun couldn’t even trust them anymore.</p><p>“Don’t you trust us?”</p><p>“I do”.</p><p>“Then tell me what’s wrong”.</p><p>Gun sighs deeply for a while, trying to find the right words to explain why he feels this way. But he finds nothing, to no avail.</p><p>“I guess you could say I’m just sick of being used to bullshit”, The boy tries to explain to his friend, “But no matter how much I try to stop thinking about it, the more tired I become”.</p><p>
  <em>Tired.</em>
</p><p>That’s exactly what he felt. But he knew he didn’t have the right to feel that way. He had everything, like most would say. They probably thought he didn’t have room for problems. But that was just the front that he tried to put up. Deep inside, he was breaking.</p><p>“Gun?”</p><p>The boy was caught off guard, staring into an empty space in the room. “What?”</p><p>And maybe the boy was just too exhausted to realize that he hasn’t been talking to Mond all this time. He was talking in his mind, informing himself of his current situation, and not his friend.</p><p>“You haven’t answered my question yet”, Mond glances at Gun.</p><p>“I didn’t?”</p><p>The boy definitely needed a break.</p><p>“It’s fine, nevermind”, Mond smiles, handing him an extra shirt, “Here, put this on. You’re sweating loads”. He throws the shirt over at Gun, who fails to catch it as his mind was still bothered.</p><p>“Why do I need to change?” Gun looked at the shirt in his hand. It was way too big for him, yet it didn’t look like it belonged to Mond, as it was literally 2 times smaller than his size.</p><p>“I’m getting you out of here”, Mond began, “Let’s have fun. It’s summer”.</p><p>“You know I’m not allowed to leave until after noon”, Gun folds his arms and grimaces at Mond, “Besides, you’ll be having more fun without me anyway”.</p><p>“Give excitement another chance, at least. I swear… You need it”.</p><p>And maybe he was right. It’s been a long time since he’s had the time to think of having fun anyway.</p><p>“It looks boring”, Gun said, eyes pointing at the events happening outside where there were multiples of booths stood up on the field, and groups of new and old students having fun with their friends. It was an exhausting sight, too difficult for him to even look at. Just the sight of it makes him want to crash down into a pit and never come out again.</p><p>“You’ve been ranting about wanting the school year to end asap just to witness this. At least give it a chance”.</p><p>Gun rolls his eyes but decides to put on the shirt anyway.</p><p>He takes off the oversized shirt he’s been wearing since 6 am in the morning. Whacking it against the table to rid it of the dirt it’s accumulated from sitting on the dirty window sill that’s probably been cleaned at least more than 2 years ago.</p><p>Mond stares at the shirtless boy aggressively smacking his shirt on the table, chuckling as he impatiently tried to get the dust off. <em>Typical Gun, </em>he thought. He missed this Gun. Honestly, he preferred the boy he met over the years who was highly impatient and extremely flamboyant and spontaneous. He had no idea where this version of him came from; the Gun who had no interest in anything and would take decades to convince to have at least a little bit of fun. He loved Gun, of course he did. He was just worried that the short boy might lose himself. But maybe what he was scared of the most was him losing Gun, in the process of the boy losing himself.</p><p>“Maybe if you whack it hard enough you can wake it up and have it smack you back into reality”, Mond walks over to the boy, taking the shirt in his hands, leaving him to change from his sweaty shirt.</p><p>Gun stares at the new shirt Mond gave him.</p><p>“Whose shirt is this?”</p><p>“Why? Does it smell? Or are you going to judge the brand again?” Mond chuckles. Knowing how Gun could be a very harsh critic sometimes.</p><p>“No”, the boy kept staring at the print of the oversized graphic tee in his hands, “It looks familiar, that’s all”.</p><p>“I got it from Tawan, you’ve probably seen it on him more than once”.</p><p>Gun nods. But there was still this lingering feeling inside of him, <em>the same feeling he had last night</em>.</p><p>For a moment, the room went silent once more. it worried Mond more than ever at how much silent moments they were having recently. Once again, it felt unnatural, seeing Gun dazed into his imagination whilst he sat on the table, staring at the shirt.</p><p>“Look, Gun, you know I’m here for you right?”</p><p>“Yeah”</p><p>Gun breaks from his silence, with the shirt still in his hands. Mond knew his friend had a problem, but he knew he couldn’t do anything about it if the boy didn’t want to open up. He didn’t want to pry into his personal life, but he just wished that the boy would reach out every once in a while.</p><p>“You are one of my best friends after all”, Gun breaks into a slight smile, much different than his usual blank expression. But something in his eyes was telling Mond that part of his sentence was insincere.</p><p>“Who are you calling your bestfriend?” Gun looked at the door, for some reason it had been opened for a while, and he sees Tay, Jane, and New at the opening of it, their arms crossed, and a joking expression on their faces.</p><p>“Where the fuck have you been?” Both New and Jane ran up to the boy, unbothered that he was sweaty and shirtless, but it felt like decades since they last saw the boy.</p><p>“I’ve been here all along, how did you manage to miss me this much, God”, Gun leans against the table, unable to bear with the pressure of two bodies clinging onto him tightly. They missed him, of course. Days felt like years for people their age, and not being able to see Gun for more than a day didn’t feel good for them. The boy wasn’t even bothered to check his messages last night, unaware of Jane, New and Tay’s constant messages and calls.</p><p>“Gun, there you are!” He looked up to see Alice and Arm, as well as the others pooling outside of the door.</p><p>“Okay, why is everyone excited to see me all of a sudden?” Gun pulls back from his two bestfriends.</p><p>“’Cos you’ve been out hiding lately like you’re fucking playing hide and seek from us”, Mond walks towards the group.</p><p>“Mike said he saw you with Off last night, I mean are you okay?” Tay walked in, while Gun greeted him with a scowl.</p><p>“What the fuck do you mean by that?”</p><p>“I mean, the Gun Atthaphan I knew wouldn’t even let the Off Jumpol I know near him, let alone put his arms around his shoulders”, Tay tried to sound like he was joking. He knew that he’d probably get beaten up if he wasn’t careful.</p><p>“It’s nothing, we just walked home together”, Gun says blankly, “Now let go of me, you’re making me sweat more”, the boy says while pushing off his bestfriends from him.</p><p>“Speaking of Off, where is he?” Thy turned their gazes to Arm, who had his arms folded in front of the door. “I haven’t seen him all day”.</p><p>Gun didn’t know why his eyes widened as he heard the name. He tried not to look curious, plastering a blank expression as always, but deep inside, he was also wondering where the boy was, anticipating to hear an answer.</p><p>“I haven’t either”, Gun sighs when he hears Tay and the others answer.</p><p>“P’Tay?”</p><p>Suddenly a high-pitch shriek rung throughout the corridors and into the classroom, making Tay shoot up his eyes from Gun and back at the familiar annoying voice.</p><p>“What?” He yells back.</p><p>“Where the fuck are you?” The voice could still be heard ringing in the corridor, it was too much for the group to handle, even Jane had to cover her ears and roll her eyes when she realized who it was.</p><p>“There you are!”</p><p>“Mild, what the fuck? I told you to stay in your booth”, Tay groaned, making the others groan a well, but silently as to not offend the girl that much.</p><p>“Wait! Jesus Christ…”Chimon comes running into the room as well, panting as he reaches the classroom door. Gun notices how Tay glared at his younger cousin.</p><p>“I told you to--”</p><p>“I know but I couldn’t stop her, she has as much energy as a 6 year old on a sugar rush”, Chimon complains, almost yelling from how frustrated he was chasing after Tay’s younger cousin.</p><p>They heard another shriek amongst Chimon’s complaining and Tay’s scolding when Gun stood up from the table he was sitting on. They turn around to see Mild crouched down onto the floor after seeing her crush shirtless.</p><p>“Jesus Christ”, Gun turns around and hovered over the table, putting on the shirt Mond gave him, “If this day couldn’t get any more chaotic”.</p><p>“Oh for fuck’s sake, girl, get a grip”, Jane claps back at Mild who was still shyly crouched on the ground, “The boy doesn’t even have muscles, what are you so fucking hyped about?”</p><p>Gun glares at Jane, while the latter gives him a playful chuckle.</p><p>“Alright, you’re clothed, let’s go”, they pulled Gun towards the door, dragging him across the hallway.</p><p>“Wait. I never agreed to going with you”, Gun complained, trying to get back to the classroom, “Plus, they’re going to kill me if I leave early”.</p><p>“Would you rather spend hours rotting in that stupid classroom until the end of the day?” Alice speaks up from the back of the group, trying to convince Gun to hang out with them.</p><p>Gun looks around, eyeing each one of his companions, until his eyes suddenly land on Mild.</p><p>“Uh, yeah?” He responds, earning a scowl from Mild who’d been cramped up next to him despite his and Jane’s protests.</p><p>“You’ve been stressed out lately, aren’t you at least a little bit hyped about the event we’ve all been waiting for all year?”</p><p>“That’s what I’ve been telling him all day”, Mond cries from the back of the group, “I told you I’ve been trying to convince him”.</p><p>It was hopeless for Gun to back out anyway, it didn’t seem like they would accept ‘no’ as an answer any time soon. He didn’t have much to do, but he sure wanted the day to end sooner, and rotting away in that classroom wasn’t a good way to make the day end sooner.</p><p>“Fine” was all that Gun could say before the group enthusiastically dragged him to the school grounds, meeting up with the rest of them on the field.</p><p>His friends were having too much fun, but all that Gun could think about was none other than the boy who so gently placed his arms around him the night before, and the fact that he hasn’t received a letter nor a note all day. The fact that he was anticipating for both of those things drove him insane, enough to fuel him up for the hell of a roller coaster he had to put up with.</p><p>He thought that the only way to lose these thoughts were to act like his old self and have fun.</p><p>And to have fun, he will.</p><p>“I am not having fun”, Gun complains, burying his head into his arms which were burning in the sun for hours now.</p><p>“Why not? We bought a lot of shit didn’t we? Don’t you love the things we bought?” New shoved the plastic bag with multiple collectibles they’ve collected throughout the day towards Gun, “Look, we got new ones, they even had the limited edition lego set you were talking about”.</p><p>“Yeah, when we were about like 12”, He scoffed.</p><p>“Look, what’s wrong?” New began his sentence when Jane noticed the conversation get more serious, which is why she decided to tag along.</p><p>“Nothing, I’m just sick of people asking me that. There’s literally nothing wrong, I’m just tired”.</p><p>Thinking about it, there wasn’t much to be tired of, that’s what Jane says. It was barely even 4 pm, it wasn’t even dark yet, and all they did was try the rides, play the arcade games, shop for things and all that stuff that people their age considered as fun. She wondered why Gun was beginning to act like a grand dad when they literally picked these activities for him specifically. But for Gun, he was already dead-tired the moment they set foot on the school grounds. He wanted to break down the moment he saw people laughing and shouting, basking in their excitement and energy was enough to exhaust him.</p><p><em>That’s not Gun at all, </em>some would say. And he has to admit, it wasn’t. But then again, he had no idea who he even was anymore.</p><p>“Look, I’m just gonna go”, Gun stood up from his seat. New followed after, but Jane had to pull him back.</p><p>“Let him be, he meant he’s tired in a different way”, Jane’s voice was soft, but that didn’t cover the fact that she was frantic. She was terrified of Gun’s recent changes, she realized it was because he was done with everything. He didn’t say it out loud but the least she could do was give him space since they didn’t know how to help him anyway.</p><p>New sadly looked back at Jane when he realized what she was saying. He knew Gun, he was his bestfriend, and he knew exactly what he was going through. He was tired of his old life, of putting up a front and acting all normal with other people. He just wanted to be himself and sulk for a little while.</p><p>“Gun!” New called out to the boy, Jane pulling him by the arm to stop him, but Gun turned around in less than a second. New stopped for a moment, trying to stop himself from asking the boy to come back.</p><p>“Call us later”, New smiles, waving him goodbye before Gun smiles back and turns back around.</p><p>“Hey, I got your ice cream”, Tay and Arm went back to the table, along with Mild, Ciize, Janhae and Chimon, wo were holding their other orders and following them from behind.</p><p>Arm stopped to count the number of people on the table, comparing it to the number of cups they were holding.</p><p>“I swear there were three of you when we left half an hour ago”, Arm says, putting down the cups of ice cream on the table., trying to check if he made a mistake.</p><p>“Bitch, I asked for a rocky road on a sugar cone”, Jane hisses at the two boys when she was handed a baby cup with a tiny spoon beside the soft-serve she most definitely did not order.</p><p>“And I specifically asked for large cup with extra sprinkles and chocolate”, New side-eyes Tay who handed him a plain vanilla.</p><p>Arm’s eyes widened at the mishap as he remembered ordering the same as their requests specifically. But then again, he wouldn’t completely rely on his memory as he only nodded to confirm without any care as Tay ordered at the counter.</p><p>“Well, uh..  <em>you</em> are a lady, and <em>you </em>need to save yourself from fucking diabetes”, Tay points at both Jane and New, who both glared at him as he tried to cover up his mistake of accidentally forgetting what their orders were.</p><p>“I’m sure I got Gun’s right”, Arm places the large cup of mint-chocolate ice cream on the table, “He’s the only one who likes the taste of toothpaste as if tasting it more than 2 times a day isn’t enough”.</p><p>“Wait”, Chimon looks around, eyeing both Jane and New who were silently staring at their cups of ice cream, which were already starting to melt.</p><p>“Apparently the only one who you got the order right had ran away before you even came here”, Jane starts to pick on her ice cream cup, swirling around the soft-serve around with the spoon.</p><p>Their faces fell into a frown, sitting down on the table to dig into the food they bought.</p><p>“I guess we still failed”, Ciize leans against her chair.</p><p>“I told you we should have brought him somewhere else”, Jan eyes Tay, “I specifically told you to let him avoid crowded places”.</p><p>The group’s only intention ever since they noticed how different the boy in question was asking was to help him and give him a reason to have fun again, or even give him a single reason to think about it. It wasn’t a surprise that their efforts were still put to waste this time.</p><p>“Well, where could we have taken him?”</p><p>“You could have gone with my suggestion”, Chimon butts in, defending his stand and trying to convince them that they shouldn’t have discarded his idea since he knew his cousin the most.</p><p>“I don’t think having to let him stay at home was the healthiest idea”, Alice defends their decision, “He could have easily just broken down”.</p><p>“So bringing him here was the best idea you could think of?” Jane leans against her chair, while folding her arms.</p><p>“The intention was to let him have some fun and give him a break from what’s happening in his life.  I don’t think he would be having fun no matter which suggestion we went with, it’s still his choice”, New spoke up.</p><p>“So you’re suggesting we leave him alone?”</p><p>“No, I’m suggesting we be there for him, but we give him space at the same time”, they turn to look at New, surprised at the numbers of eyes staring at him, “What?”</p><p>“We can’t leave him alone; he could be unstable anytime soon”</p><p>“But he’s not alone”, Tay smiles. The group looked at him, but he dismisses it with a giggle as if they all knew what he was talking about.</p><p>No one even bothered to ask what he was talking about. But they didn’t think about it anymore, all they wanted was for Gun to get some peace for a while.</p><p>“Okay, everyone just chill”, Tay began speaking even though his mouth was still full, Jane hitting him on the head as he and Arm just started chowing down on the food they all pitched in to buy, “Maybe New is right. The boy needs space”.</p><p>“You can’t just leave a flower un-watered when you know its wilting”, Jane argues, looking down, thinking that she could have failed as a friend.</p><p>“But plants die quicker if you put too much water on it”, Tay answers.</p><p>“The boy’s gonna heal, just not today. But we’ll still be here to help him right?”</p><p>“But we can’t leave him alone”</p><p>“We won’t”, Tay answers almost immediately, “He won’t be alone”.</p><p>Jane gives up finally, getting back to her seat and sitting in a comfortable position. All she wanted was to help Gun, but she knew very well that he just needed time.</p><p>“I’m back!” Mild runs up to the group, tackling her cousin and shoving all the things she bought on Tay. Jane groaned once more, earning a giggle from the rest of the group. Can you tell that she’s not fond of her very much?</p><p>“Nobody was really looking for you, just an FYI”, a voice alluded from the group. No one knew what it was, but the faint whisper was enough to distract the group from the heating conversation they were just having earlier, making them giggle under their breaths as to not offend the girl who clung onto her cousin like a dog.</p><p>“Wait, where’s P’Gun?” She chirps almost enthusiastically, but drops her tone immediately when she realizes that he’s nowhere to be seen anymore.</p><p>“He probably scampered away to safety when he saw you running like a fucking abnormal from attack on titan”, Janhae coughed to supress her judgmental tone, but it wasn’t enough for the others not to chuckle at.</p><p>“A what?” Mild questions them, looking at Chimon, but he immediately turns his gaze at Ciize who was sitting next to him.</p><p>The group could be heard bickering as Mild began to question all of them about what Jan said, but Jane, Tay and New were stuck in their own world, obviously still worried about Gun.</p><p>“Okay, fuck the plan”, Jane speaks up, “But did you give it to him?”</p><p>“What?” Tay whispered back, “Give what?”</p><p>“You know what she’s talking about”, New whispers along, trying not to attract attention.</p><p>“Tell me you did”, Jane frantically nudges Tay, “You know he needs it”.</p><p>It took him a second to realize what both of them were being discreet about, but the thought immediately pops up in his head moments later.</p><p>“Yeah, I did”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Gun walked out of the school field, attracting attention from most of the lower class men he walked past, since he wasn’t the type to leave these types of events early.</p><p>He fumbles around with the hem of Tay’s shirt, looking down at his feet while he walked.</p><p>He opens his phone, going to his playlist to play a song he’s been singing lately, but stops in his tracks the moment he realizes he left behind his earphones.  </p><p><em>“Fuck”, </em>he mutters to himself. He found himself walking back to the school grounds. He was hesitant to say the least, lowering his head and looking down at his feet whilst he walked back to the campus. He rushed towards the stage, hoping his friends wouldn’t see him or else they would be dragging him back. He came to an abrupt stop however, once he hears a wave of roaring laughter that sounds an awful lot like Tay’s and Jane’s.</p><p>He turned to his side to see a group of fools laughing like complete idiots as they pointed at Tay who obviously spilled another bowl of soup he’d placed his hands on. It’s been awhile since Gun saw his friends that happy. He’d notice how serious and monotonous they would act whenever he was there, but he didn’t bother to even comment on it. He just sighed, a short release of his breath that let out a mix of happiness and pain. He was joyous. He wasn’t going to lie, but he was happy seeing them act like themselves once again. But half of him was pained at the fact that they’re only like that whenever he isn’t around. He knew that they cared about him, but the thing was, he thought that his friends’ care for him is what will eventually break them apart.</p><p>Gun just wanted to distance himself from the picture for the better good of everyone.</p><p>He walks away from the group, hoping he’d dropped his earphones somewhere in the classroom and not the places they’ve been to earlier.</p><p>His tired feet led him to the front of the classroom when he realized that the lights were still on. He probably left it on when he left, forgetting to turn them off as he was dragged out by his friends. He opens the door and began looking for his earphones, looking underneath the table and all the other places he went to. He sighed when he couldn’t find it, turning around to walk towards the door when he saw a shadow on the side of a table.</p><p>
  <em>Thud! </em>
</p><p>Gun heard the table make a sound, surprising him from the sudden noise, distracting him from the deafening silence he was previously enveloped in.</p><p><em>“Fucking— ow..”, </em>the boy heard, he crouched slightly to take a peek.</p><p>Gun’s demeanor changed when he realized who it was under the table, the figure letting out a small yelp when he accidentally hit his freakishly long legs against the edge of the table.</p><p>“How long have you been under there?” Gun unknowingly stifled a laugh when he heard the groan of pain from underneath the wooden desk, hovering over the hood to meet eyes with the person who tried desperately hard to hide.</p><p>“God damn it”, Off cursed when Gun popped his head from the top of the desk, “I was going to scare you”.</p><p>“Sorry, but stalkers don’t scare me”, Gun said sarcastically, “I’ve had worse”.</p><p>“I’m sorry, but who in their right mind would stalk a weirdo like you?” Off scoffed at him, with Gun immediately rolling his eyes as he avoided the boy’s gaze.</p><p>Off smiled at how Gun pouted, as he avoided his gaze. His pink plump lips slightly protruding, his eyebrows furrowed and his nose scrunched a little bit in frustration. It took everything in the taller boy to not giggle at how the boy looked.</p><p>“I’m kidding”, the taller boy nudged Gun. “I was hoping you would be here”, his voice softens. He didn’t even realize how his words just made Gun shiver, his eyes widening as he tried to fight back the smile creeping onto his face. He had no idea why he was acting like this, but the boy was slowly growing onto him. Gun thought it was weird to feel this way towards a person you were convinced you hated, but who was he to not give Off a chance?</p><p>“So you waited for me?”</p><p>“You could say that”, Off shrugged.</p><p>“Why?” Gun was definitely curious as to why the boy would even wait for him in the classroom. He had no reason to, that’s what he thought, but why?</p><p>“Well”, Off began to think of loopholes as he just realized just how foolish it was to reveal that he was actually waiting for him, “I just wanted to check on your papers”.</p><p>“Oh”, Gun remained expressionless the whole time, and yet his face wanted to scream something else when he felt himself get disappointed with hi simple answer, “Okay. Did you check them yet?”.</p><p>“I passed them already”</p><p>“What? But I wasn’t supposed to leave until after noon”, Gun questioned, scared that he might get in trouble again.</p><p>“I told them you were sick”, Off smiled, picking up his pouch from the ground and sitting on the ledge.</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“I saw that you were having fun in the festival”, Off stared at the sun as it already started to set, “I didn’t want to ruin that”.</p><p>“How would you know that? I haven’t seen you all day”</p><p>“Have you been missing me?” Off jokes, to which Gun scoffs, basking in silence for a short moment</p><p>“Well it wasn’t fun anyway”, Gun replied, sitting beside him on the window ledge, staring out into the open.</p><p>They fell silent for a moment. An awkward one, with Off not knowing what to say as Gun didn’t even show the slightest hint of a lack of interest when he crept into the front gates. Gun, however, preferred it that way. He realized that moments of silence were enough to give him peace of mind. He had no idea why small talks with a single person like this could feel greater and more fun than extreme outdoor activities. He basked in the comfortable silence for a while before Off spoke up, breaking the cloud of solace looming upon both boys.</p><p>“Really? Tay said it’s all you’ve talked about since literally the beginning of the year, why didn’t you make the most out of it?”</p><p>“I just didn’t feel like it”, the shorter boy lifted his head, feeling the warm breeze as it gets replaced with a cool breeze against his skin, “How about you? Did you have fun?”</p><p>“Gun Atthaphan is asking about me?” Off chuckled a bit, glancing at the boy beside him, refusing to believe that it’s actually Gun.</p><p>“Forget I asked”, Gun raised his hands in defeat, but it didn’t stop Off from smirking at the young boy.</p><p>“I wasn’t even supposed to come anyway”</p><p>“Then why did you?”</p><p>Off thought carefully this time, but he was sure that the boy knew what his answer was gonna be, and how his real answer was far too different from the one he’s about to say. He remembered talking to Tay about it, rejecting every form of invite the boy had to offer him, even the most discreet ones. He wasn’t one to enjoy outdoor activities unlike the others, which is why he had no idea how he ended up telling his mother that he was doing council activities in school, when he could be messing around with his computer all day. But then again, he remembered changing his mind set almost immediately at the slight mention of a certain boy’s name.</p><p>
  <em>“You should join us”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I don’t feel like it”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Then maybe you should know that Gun’s coming”</em>
</p><p>It drove him insane. But there he was sitting on the ledge with the boy who made him wake up at 5 am in the morning; the same one who always captured his interest.</p><p>“They asked me to accompany you in case you break more trophy cases or vhs tapes”, Off lied, earning another glare from Gun. The truth was, he wasn’t even going to get up this morning, let alone earlier than 6 a.m during summer break. But part of him wanted to see the boy who shook violently beneath him the previous night. The boy who shared thoughts with him, and the one he put his sweater on.</p><p>He wanted to know how he was doing no matter how shitty his behaviour towards him was.</p><p>“If I were you I’d forget about last night”, Gun shifted away from Off despite the lack of distance between them, “It was embarrassing and we shouldn’t even be talking right now”.</p><p>“Why? It’s not like we hooked up or anything”</p><p>Gun shook his head at the boy’s sudden comment, furrowing his eyebrows as Off kept laughing at his reaction.</p><p>“I mean no, and why would we? You’re disgusting”. Gun began to speak despite his growing shyness. He was never shy, so he didn’t understand why a simple joke would make him feel uncomfortable--- at the same time flustered, not to mention.</p><p>“But I don’t think we should bring it up anymore”</p><p>“Why do you think so?”</p><p>“In case all hell breaks loose again”</p><p>“Well, we’re acting civil now aren’t we?”</p><p>Gun nods.</p><p>"So why not let it stay this way?"</p><p>He had to admit, being with Off and not having to yell at his face all the time felt a lot better than having to either avoid him or argue with him for no absolute reason. Their little talks seemed to lure Gun into an odd sense of comfort that he’s never felt before.  He wondered if it was because of the fact that he doesn't really get to have times like these with everyone else, or if it was indeed the lingering feeling that it was because of the boy right beside him. The boy wondered how he never even thought of giving the boy a chance to speak before, but it all changed once he found himself walking towards him as he defended him that fateful day.</p><p>He genuinely felt safe around Off, and it felt weird. He wanted to know if the boy felt the same, or if he was going crazy.</p><p>“Do you feel comfortable around me?” Gun asks Off, turning to look at the boy who was staring straight at the sky.</p><p>“I mean, sure?”</p><p>“Why do you seem like you’re not even sure of your answer”</p><p>“I mean sometimes I do think about you shoving me into a glass case again. But then again, you’re not as bad as I always thought you were”. Most of his answers were true, but it wasn’t the full truth. The real truth was even Off found it strange how he found himself basking in Gun’s presence whilst they talked. Saying he was comfortable was an understatement.</p><p>“I guess it’s because we were always real towards each other”, Off starts again. “We never put up a front”.</p><p>Off’s statement caught Gun off guard. He was intimidated about the situation, and how real they were getting already. But he had to admit that spending time doing usual activities he used to consider fun all day was nothing compared to the time he’s spent talking to Off, even if it’s only been a short period of time. It scared him just how real he was getting towards the taller boy, but at the same time, it felt comfortable.</p><p>Gun coughs awkwardly, making Off giggle.</p><p>“What’s so funny?” Gun threatened Off, to which the boy laughs harder at.</p><p>“I guess the same old Gun’s back”, Off said with a smile.</p><p>“Shut up”, Gun rolls his eyes and watches the sun set finally.</p><p>The streaks of orange and red against the gray skies left the two boys gawking as they raised their heads. The peaceful aura that the sunset gave made them forget about the harsh storm they had during the morning. The hot summer rain made them forget about how much beauty the sun could give out despite of the chaos that came before.</p><p>“I believe you came for this”, Off hands Gun a pair of earphones which have been neatly looped around, compared to the last time he saw it; a tangled mess.</p><p>“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me earlier, I’ve been looking for it everywhere”</p><p>Off doesn’t say anything else. He was too comfortable to even move anymore. Gun’s presence felt strangely and oddly heavenly. For the first time, he felt safe, and neither of the two boys understood why.</p><p>Gun puts on his earphones, plugging it in both ears until Off grabbed the other one, smirking at him whilst he put it on.</p><p>
  <em>The other night dear, as I lay sleeping,</em>
</p><p>“I didn’t know you were into the soft shit”, Off chuckled, pointing out that Gun’s song of choice wasn’t as he expected.</p><p>“Why? Did you expect me to listen to My Chemical Romance?” Gun scoffed, rolling his eyes, but unable to hide the smile that was creeping in as he felt the sense of peace from Johnny Cash’s voice.</p><p>“No, something more intense and chaotic like Avenged Sevenfold”</p><p>“Why the fuck do you think that?”</p><p>“”Cos you’re someone who holds a lot of anger inside that tiny body of yours” Off chuckled when he felt Gun pushing him.</p><p>“Who the fuck are you calling tiny?”</p><p>Off found it funny how Gun contradicted himself right away when it was him who almost lost his balance on the sill instead of the person he pushed so aggressively.</p><p>The boy ignores Off as he fumbles around with the plastic bag he’s been carrying around, digging into the stuff he bought whilst Off watched him before looking away to look at the growing moon. Gun could feel a familiar feeling of paper on the ends of his fingertips whilst he continued to dig into the plastic bag.</p><p>For the first time in a long time, he felt like ending the day on a light-hearted point. Hell, saying it’s been a long time even sounds like an understatement; he hasn’t felt it since forever. It was normal for him to feel flustered whenever he read those notes sent to him. But this time, the boy didn’t even realize that he wasn’t smiling because of the letter, but because of the way he stared at the boy beside him as he read it.</p><p>
  <em>Please don’t take my sunshine away..</em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>You’re the reason of someone’s smile. If only you’ll know how to use that power of yours on yourself.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>-Always and Forever, Anonymous.</strong>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>yes, i'm back. sorry i took awhile to update, i haven't been at my best lately, but i'm slowly getting better :&gt;</p><p>thankyou for the support on this work, it really means a lot. the amount of support and feedback i've received were enough to get me back to writing, so thank you so much :&gt;&gt;</p><p>follow my twt for updates uwu.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. eleven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <strong>11</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>2012; SUMMER BREAK</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“God, take off your shoes will you?”, Gun yelled at the boy who stumbled inside his house.</p><p>He didn’t even remember inviting the boy to his room, but there he was walking around like he owned the place, observing every nook and cranny of the place as he continued to walk like the asshole Gun always thought he was. </p><p>Gun woke up that day with a warm feeling and a soft smile on his face.</p><p>It was probably because it was the first time he’d ended a day on a light-hearted note. Nothing happened right after their talk in the classroom the previous night, the two boys having to wait for the others to go home to avoid a massive crowd, finally exiting the gates at dark. Both boys realized just how comfortable it was walking in silence with only each other as company. Their night ended with a simple ‘see you tomorrow’ as Gun watched Off skip away, chuckling a little bit seeing the boy’s foolish behaviour.</p><p>The whole day consisted of the same routine for Gun. Entering the school gates only to find Off waiting for him at the entrance, explaining to him that he just arrived as well and saw Gun walking behind him, but in reality, Off stood outside for approximately half an hour to wait for the boy outside the school. He wasn’t even supposed to be there yet, he wondered why he felt himself walking to school at 6 am in the morning and telling his mom he was doing council activities. He was told that he could arrive at any time if he pleased, but he found himself waking up at 5 am thinking of Gun.</p><p> Maybe it was because he just recently found himself always wondering about Gun, wanting to be updated about every move the boy did, and wanting to see if he was okay.</p><p>Both boys did nothing that day other than their daily routine, with Gun finishing work earlier than expected, and Off checking every school record and paper work that the principal left for the student council to do. He didn’t have much to do anyway, that’s why he spent his remaining time helping Gun with his work without him noticing. They spent the rest of the day lazing around, only for the shorter boy to realize that he’d been receiving an abundance of emails from his class adviser, which he didn’t bother checking. However, he grew curious when they were about to leave the school, entering the email app on his phone and realizing that his teacher had been trying to contact him multiples of times already, asking him to take over her task of computing for the profit from the booths they had the day before for cluster funds. He cursed as he realized that she was expecting to get the report the following day, and it was currently already half past 7 when they decided to pack up. He had no idea how they picked up the routine of leaving after dark, but part of him liked it. Walking the empty streets with Off with only their voices occupying the empty atmosphere for the whole walk home. But there he was panicking since he didn’t know if he could make it in time tomorrow morning.</p><p>He was about to reject her request since he found it unreasonable that she would give him a task to submit the following day, but he soon found Off convincing him to live up to his title as class president, since he’d been doing a terrible job at It for the whole year. He could easily call him off for being bossy, considering the fact that he hated his tone at calling him out, and the boy didn’t understand why he couldn’t resist the taller when he volunteered to help him so they could get it finished that night.</p><p>Which explains how he found himself walking home, with Off insisting to come to his place so he could help him.</p><p>Hence, a rather unexpected visit from the person that Gun least expected.</p><p>“Do you want me to shove your sneakers up your petty ass or are you going to take them off?”</p><p>Off chuckled at the fuming boy once he continued to walk around the flat with his shoes on, throwing a rag at him until he finally decided to remove his shoes, fumbling around with the laces as he sat on the carpet. He looked around after taking off his shoes, noticing how dark the place was. The flat looked sadder than a morgue, his furniture looked fairly new, but the dust on most places made it look as if it was about a few years old. He didn’t even reprimand the boy for the sluggish interior, he understood how sad it was to live alone, and the saddest thing about it was he preferred it that way. But Off realized that it was definitely taking a toll on him, noticing Gun’s deep sigh once he opened the door to his flat, revealing the flat preoccupied with too much shallow.</p><p>“<em>Not every house is a home </em>”</p><p>“Won’t you at least turn on the lights?” Off said, walking towards the boy who was already scanning his tasks in the dark, “You don’t want to ruin your eyesight, do you? And glasses don’t suit you, by the way”, Off chuckled, earning an eye roll from Gun.</p><p>“I prefer it this way”, Gun began, “I only come here to sleep at night anyway, I’m always usually out”, he explained.</p><p>Off nodded, that probably explains the dust growing on his furniture, he thought to himself.</p><p>“But you haven’t been out recently”, Off whispered.</p><p>“Have you been watching me?”</p><p>Off gave the boy a questioning look, “Yeah, I probably went out of my way just to stalk you”, he scoffed sarcastically.</p><p>“It was a genuine question”</p><p>“I just noticed that you haven’t been with your friends that much lately”, Off looked away, grabbing half of the tasks in Gun’s hands, “That’s all”.</p><p>“I just don’t feel like it”, the shorter boy looks down, standing up, walking towards a raised platform on the crevice of the wall, reaching out to the ceiling, “Plus, electricity costs too much anyway, I’d be missing out on these if I had fluorescents”, the boy continued to extend his body towards the wires plastered on his ceiling.</p><p>Off had his eyes glued to the boy, stretching up his upper body. He realized just how breathtaking the boy looked as the dim light from the open window beside him glimmered against his figure. Off had no idea how he could see the boy who only yelled at him his entire high school career in a new light; literally and figuratively. He didn’t know why being alone with the boy drove him insane. Thoughts began to flood in his mind, but not the kind you’d expect. Although, he wouldn’t deny the fact that the thought of him probably being the first person that Gun brought to his house made his heart flutter. The place looked unbothered, as if no one lived there, and he never saw pictures of him and his friends in his flat anyway, which is why he assumed in the first place.</p><p> He didn’t have dirty thoughts like everyone else would, but he also won’t deny the fact that his breaths quickened at the way Gun’s shirt lifted a bit as he continued to reach for the wires on the ceiling.</p><p>“You do know that you still have to help me, right?” Gun called out from the other side of the room, distracting Off from his daze, “I didn’t invite you here so you can sexually violate me with your eyeballs”.</p><p>“I wasn’t--”, the boy stuttered.</p><p>Off heard the boy chuckle slightly as he looked away, too flustered to even make up an excuse. It was the first time that Gun saw him flustered, but then again, he never really paid close attention to the boy anyway. But seeing the boy up close like this made him wanting to know more about him. He continued to extend his arm out to reach for the switch on his ceiling, when he felt a warmth shift against his side.</p><p> “I didn’t mean this, I meant the paper works I was assigned. I got this”, he said with Off standing below the platform.</p><p>“It doesn’t seem like you do”, the taller said before looking up and effortlessly switching the led lights, finally illuminating the dark room with a dim flash of blue.</p><p>“Wow”, Off gawked at how magical the room was. It didn’t even look like the flat he entered just a few minutes ago anymore; it looked like an entirely different world. His gaze shifts to the small boy who crashed on the bed behind him, shutting the blinds that hovered over the windows and dragging the mini coffee table from the side of the room beside his king-sized mattress.</p><p>The taller boy walked over to the wall that stood by the door, seeing at how full it was with the only décor in the boy’s flat; an abundance of paintings, canvases that varied in size. Off thought paintings were supposed to brighten up the atmosphere of the room it was placed in, and yet it made the place look even gloomier than it already was. His canvases were riddled with dark themes, ranging from themes of blood, gore, and angst. He realized that it was probably what the boy felt.</p><p>“I know what you’re thinking”, Off heard a small voice from behind him, “Paintings are supposed to catch a viewer’s interest”, the boy paused for a while, releasing a soft sigh, “and they’re probably too disturbing to capture a visitor’s eye”.</p><p>“No”, Off chirped in, disagreeing with the boy, “Paintings are supposed to capture the artist’s feelings. You perfectly put your emotions into figures and shapes, and that’s what makes it beautiful”.</p><p>Gun remained silent, his gaze running through his works, immediately returning to the boy beside him.</p><p>“But you didn’t tell me you paint”</p><p>“We never really talked until a few weeks go”, Gun began, “I don’t know how I could tell you that if we just yell at each other all the time”.</p><p>“You mean when <em>you </em>do, and I’d just make fun of you all the time”, Off chuckled, “You never even gave me the chance to talk”.</p><p>“I wouldn’t have done that if you would have just kept your mouth shut”, Gun replied.</p><p>“I just let you do your shit”, Off paused for a while, “you weren’t really worth my time back then”.</p><p>Gun was about to say something, but he turned to glance at Off who had a calm expression. He realized that he’d been pouring his entire burden over Off, showering the boy with his problems since he can’t blame it on anyone but himself.</p><p>“I appreciate you stopping”, Off chuckled, bringing his gaze back to Gun, “I actually prefer having casual conversations with you”.</p><p>“As I said, you’re not as bad as you seem”, Gun said, “at least most of the time”.</p><p>“Do you mind touring me over your mini museum over here?” Off immediately tried to change the subject, wanting them to stay in good terms, “I’d rather hear you talk than have us fight again”.</p><p>Gun agreed with Off for the first time, realizing how petty it was to suddenly start lashing out on him again. It dawned upon him that he’d been doing that to him since the beginning of their highschool lives, that it didn’t even occur to him even once that it was unreasonable. He had a lot of baggage to dump, and he didn’t even realize that he was throwing all of it out at Off. It didn’t seem right, especially with how they’ve been acting towards each other lately. He didn’t say it much, but he genuinely liked the company, which is why he decided to shut up and control himself of his impulsive ways for the first time in a very long time.</p><p>“What else do you want to know?” Gun spoke, “I don’t want to have to explain anything else than what meets the eye”.</p><p>“You leave people to assume, then?”</p><p>“That’s how people are”, Gun paused, “they judge even before they get an explanation”.</p><p>“That’s because you don’t defend yourself. You don’t even pause to even  think of an explanation at least”.</p><p>“Why bother? They wouldn’t listen anyway”.</p><p>Off realized that Gun related to his paintings, and that he was talking about himself rather than the topic they were originally speaking about.</p><p>“So you let them see you as what they perceive you to be?”</p><p>Gun open glanced at Off, his eyes tired, lips chapped and skin dry. It seemed as if they boy wasn’t taking care of himself; it worried Off more than he should be.</p><p>“Are we still talking about the paintings or--”, Gun asked Off, distracting himself from staring too long at Off.</p><p>“Talk to me about your paintings then”, Off spoke softly, quiet enough for Gun to be the only one who hears him, “Explain them to me, and I’ll listen”.</p><p>They turned back to the wall, their gaze running along the frames once again.</p><p>“What do you want to know?”</p><p>Off scans the wall, finding the painting that captured his interest the most. His eyes land on a canvas at the far edge of the wall, it wasn’t as figurative as the others and he had more he wanted to find out about, but it was the first thing his eyes landed on, and in all honesty, he really just wanted to hear the boy’s voice talking to him, he felt like he wouldn’t have as many moments with the boy soon anymore.</p><p>“How about this one”, Gun’s gaze shifts to a painting where Off’s finger was pointing at, “Tell me the story behind it”.</p><p>He pointed to a painting of a man, bleeding himself dry as he let people dig knives into his back. It was already disturbing by the first look of it, but it left him feeling even more distraught once he noticed the facial expression the man was sporting. It was pretty self-explanatory, but he wanted to hear it from Gun himself.</p><p>“It’s already obvious, isn’t it?”</p><p>“Yeah”, Off began, “But I still want to hear it from you”.</p><p>“It doesn’t matter what I think”</p><p>“It matters to me”.</p><p>Off had a stern tone to his voice, but he only wanted the boy to know that he meant it. It made Gun step backwards a little, surprised at the boy’s sudden strict tone, and yet his face remained calm, his eyes eliciting a soft aura that it calmed the boy the more he basked in his gaze.</p><p>“What do you think it means?” Gun asked genuinely, “I wanna hear your opinion too, at least”.</p><p>“You first”, Off gave the boy a joking gaze, making the other boy roll his eyes at him.</p><p>“It’s pretty much just an accurate representation of life”</p><p>“Why do you say so?”</p><p>“People give you a hard time and all you could do is smile and pretend like it doesn’t bother you”</p><p>“Why do you need to pretend?”</p><p>“Because that’s what they expect”</p><p>“Why do you feel the need to live up to their expectations? Why should you care?”</p><p>The boy paused for a while. Off had a point.</p><p>“I guess that’s just how I lived all my life”.</p><p>Off felt bad for the boy talking beside him, releasing a deep breath after he talked. He realized that the boy was carrying too much, and that he didn’t want anyone else to witness his weakness. The burden was evident in the boy’s face as his eyes scanned the wall once again. He really wanted to be there for the boy, if only he would let him in.</p><p>“I didn’t know you could be that deep”</p><p>“It’s not all the time that I’m that dangerous person from school who everyone asks for favours like I’m fucking Lucifer”, Gun scoffed, “I’m weaker than you’ve imagined”.</p><p>“You’re not dangerous”, Off says, “You’re too tiny to terrify anyone”.</p><p>“You’re not gonna stop are you?”</p><p>“No”, Off smirked at Gun, “I like you better this way. At least you don’t have to throw shit at me now that we’re alone”.</p><p>The statement made Gun roll his eyes at the taller boy, but only to cover the fact that he literally felt his chest tighten after hearing what the boy said. He never really gets enough heart-to-heart with anyone, not even his closest friends, nor his cousin. It confused him why his first time opening up about himself was with Off. Maybe it was because he was always his real self to Off, and he never felt the need to hide from him. He didn’t understand why, but it was probably rooted from the amount of hatred he had for the boy, that he didn’t feel shy about anything anymore. But it still didn’t explain how he stood there unbothered, revealing to Off all the things he hid from the rest of the world.</p><p>He wanted to believe that explaining himself to Off was some sort of apology he owed the boy for a long time already. But deep inside, he knew that he trusted Off for some reason.</p><p>“I still don’t think you’re dangerous, by the way”, Off broke the growing silence looming upon them, his eyes still glued to the boy.</p><p>“Who cares what you think?” Gun scoffed, almost whispering when he spoke. He was really just used to snapping at the boy all the time that it felt natural. His eyes gazed towards Off, waiting for his reaction. Needless to say, the boy just chuckled at how usual his behaviour was.</p><p>“I think you should”</p><p>“Why so?”</p><p>“’Cos you’re not dangerous”, Off reiterated, “You need to stop believing that yourself. You’re a troubled boy who just needs someone”.</p><p>“And you want that someone to be you?”</p><p>“Your words”, the taller boy chuckled a bit, “that’s probably your subconscious saying that you want me to”.</p><p>“Dick”, Gun looked away from the boy, both their eyes unknowingly shifting to the painting in front of them, about the size of the boy himself.</p><p>“Hey”, Off widened his eyes, the boy following soon after as he realized which painting it was, “wait, this seems familiar”.</p><p><em>The Lone Little Swallow</em>.</p><p>The taller boy began to scan his eyes around the painting.</p><p>“You kept the draft,” he said, almost breathless.</p><p>“Yeah, and I think about that day a lot”, Gun folds his arms as he examined his work, “I just had to make a remembrance of it somehow”.</p><p>Off continued to stare at the painting while the boy waited for further reactions. Gun didn’t know why he felt like he was starting to enter a panic attack once the other boy grew quiet. He was scared that he would fail to do the boy’s poem justice.</p><p>“I’m sorry about what I did by the way”, Gun looked away once more, as if it was already part of their routine.</p><p>“It’s fine. I understand that you were mad“.</p><p>“That doesn’t justify it at all”</p><p>“It doesn’t”, Off smiled a bit, “but I appreciate you lowering your walls and apologizing for once”.</p><p>The shorter boy realized that he had a lot to apologize for, and this one simple apology wasn’t enough to make him forgive himself for being so unreasonable towards the boy. He had no idea why he acted that way and yet he still let himself do it.</p><p>“Do you mind explaining it to me?” Off returned his gaze towards the painting, the canvas riddles with dark themes, and yet the color scheme managed to capture the melancholic feeling he had when he wrote it.</p><p>“It’s your poem; wouldn’t you get the gist of it already?”</p><p>“I figured that you painted it because you related to it”, the taller boy explained, “You must have put your own flare to it at least a little bit”.</p><p>The painting took Gun less than a day to make despite the comparison of the canvas to his significantly smaller body. And as a matter of fact, he did. He did relate to the poem, but part of his subconscious told him that he was only painting a portrait of it because he felt guilty for taking it from Off. But Off captured the boy in his poem so much that it was hard for him not to make his version of it; his own interpretation of it.</p><p><em>“The lone little swallow that’s lost in flight”, </em>the shorter boy recalled, staring at the painting that stood out from the rest, finding the right words to explain his work properly. He wasn’t confident at how it looked, as he realized the countless smudges and unfitting colors on in most places. But Off continued to stare at it in awe, as if it had been the greatest masterpiece he’d seen, but in all honesty, Off thought exactly that.</p><p> His eyes grazed over the mighty tree that stood tall, the leaves were cut out from the portrait, but he figured that it didn’t matter. The tiny fallen bird laid restless against the roots of the aging tree, as if it was in the brink of death.  He recalled the day that he saw the boy rushing to the poor bird’s aid, caressing the broken wing, and comparing it’s real figure to the one painted on the canvas. It looked even more sad, and broken as it laid it’s dark and fragile body across the equally dark background. The tight branches and the huge trunk differed from the rest of the theme, as it sported colors that a tree isn’t supposed to be showcasing naturally. Off thoughts were right; he boy took inspiration from the poem, only to change things up a bit and add his own flare to it, and he wanted to know what it meant. He assumed it was something deep, and that it would take him decades to find out, but judging by the way that they’ve been acting recently, he was confident that he would be getting his answer today. He wanted to help the boy as much as possible, and he wanted to learn every bit and crevice of the boy’s mind, and why he had such thoughts.</p><p>“I went along with your original theme, but I felt like adding a bit more detail”, Gun said, staring blankly at the wall.</p><p>“I could tell”, Off replied, glancing at Gun, “I don’t remember describing the tree as one from Alice in Wonderland”, he chuckled, and as usual, earning another eye roll from Gun.</p><p>“They’re all meant to symbolize something”, the boy started, finally gaining the courage to talk.</p><p>“So I assume, disregarding the original theme, that that the bird symbolizes you, and the tree symbolizes life”, Off assumed, earning a shake from Gun’s head, disagreeing with his sentiment.</p><p>“The whole painting depicts life itself”, Gun continued, “It’s dark, and depressing. The tree is those around us; our families, friends, and those who are there for us. Or so we’d think”, Gun cuts himself off to stare at the boy beside him.</p><p>“So I’m assuming that the tree is those people you love”</p><p> Gun simply shakes his head with a sad smile.</p><p>“They present themselves with colour, as if they’re going to brighten your life. But in the end they only serve as contributors to what made you fall in the first place”, he said, pointing to the little swallow slowly waiting for death.</p><p>At first, Off didn’t understand. The boy seemed like he had a healthy relationship with his friends, despite the terrible past he had with his family. The more that the boy talked, the more that Off realized just how much he was still hiding from everyone else. He was foolish enough to believe the front that Gun was putting up, only to realize that the boy was already falling apart, and he was falling apart <em>fast. </em>He wanted to be different from everyone else. But he didn’t realize that he differed from everyone in a way, he was the only one who saw Gun through his mask.</p><p>“Maybe they weren’t supposed to light your way in the first place”, the taller boy spoke once again, lowering his gaze to meet the boys gaze. Gun felt weird staring at Off’s eyes, “Because that’s the sun's job”.</p><p> He always hated eye contact, he couldn’t understand why he was never capable of looking into anyone’s eyes before, and it made most people think he was rude. But the truth was he just really hated it. He hated the awkward tension he’d have to resist calling out, so he just preferred to avoid it. He wanted to believe that it was just the moment that made him look back into Off’s eyes willingly, but he was different. He felt different. He didn’t understand what made the boy feel so comfortable around him, as he continued to feel the warmth eliciting from his gaze.</p><p>Off broke their gaze, pointing at the canvas once again, it made Gun release an awkward cough as he followed Off’s pointer finger towards the sun growing at the edge. He had a little too much to drink that night when he painted it that he didn’t even realize painting the sun glowing through the dark skies and terrain. The rays softly wrapping around the shattered and weakened swallow against the grass. He needed the alcohol to keep him sane and he didn’t even realize he brought out a whole new meaning to the painting when he intended to portray only the darkness he was living in. He subconsciously answered his own cry for help when he watched Off point at the sun he painted unknowingly.</p><p>“I don’t even remember painting that”, Gun explained, “maybe my subconscious made me put it there as a sign”.</p><p>“A sign for what?”</p><p>“That good things could just easily creep in no matter how unpleasant your life is”, Gun sighed, “I doubt it”.</p><p>“It made you put it there ‘cos it wanted you to think more of the bright side”, Off looked away once more, staring at the boy with soft eyes, “It’s reassuring you that one day you’ll find your sun; the one who will make you seek a way out of this dark mind set of yours and guide you as you live a brighter life”.</p><p>Gun looked back at him, his eyes glued on the boy beside him, not intending to look away as time passed. He wondered why he treated the boy like shit all these years, when in reality, Off seemed like the perfect embodiment of all the good in the world. He had his quirks, and he was definitely annoying, but Gun was beginning to think that the warm feeling and the less-shitty thoughts he’d been having was because of Off. He was scared at the new feeling, and he was terrified to find out what it was, but both boys just knew that despite the short time they’ve spent, they just found the peace and comfort they’ve been searching for a long time in each other. They didn’t even realize just how heavenly their presence was to each other.</p><p>“Have you found them?” Off teased Gun, flicking his finger over his arm with a joking gaze, making Gun grab Off’s gauze-wrapped arms, his heart dropping when he realized that his wounds haven’t fully healed yet. And yet the boy went about his days as if he wasn’t going through a lot of body pain to attend to his daily activities, in order to avoid the people around him from being disappointed if he were to be absent in most of them.</p><p>Gun thought maybe he wasn’t the only one keeping up a façade.</p><p>“Found who?” Gun asked genuinely while still holding Off’s arm as they spoke, his fingertips grazing over the gauze which harshly grinded against the wounds. It made Off flinch a bit, but Gun’s soft touch made him freeze in his spot.</p><p>“Your sun”</p><p>Gun thought for a while, unknowingly tightening his hold over Off’s hands. He can’t get himself to let go as the blue led lights loomed upon them. Gun felt the room spinning when he wondered. He didn’t have someone in his life at the moment, and everything just seemed to pressure him. Even his friends made him feel like he was carrying the whole world on his shoulders. Everything else just came crashing upon his weak figure that he couldn’t even bare to think about the things that made his problems feel as if they were lighter.</p><p>“I don’t think I have the time to look for a sun around  people just continue to be the shitty people they are”</p><p>“How about your friends?”</p><p>“They used to be able to help me”, Gun replied, “But recently I just can’t bring myself to talk to them”</p><p>“Not even Tay?”</p><p>Gun nods weakly, his grip still on Off’s arm as he felt himself weaken to his knees, and that he could fall down anytime. Off on the other hand figured that the boy was getting into a darker place, talking about his weaknesses like that. He knew that the boy didn’t normally enter situations like that, which made his mind and body unaware of what reaction to express, but it felt too normal for Gun that he continued to talk even if it felt as if his heart was about to give out.</p><p>“How about Jane and New?”</p><p>“The older we grow, the more I realized how hard it is to trust people that I even find it had to talk to them recently”.</p><p>“I disagree”, Off says, with Gun giving him a questioning look.</p><p>“What’s there to disagree about?”</p><p>“It isn’t really obvious that you grew at all, I find it hard to believe. So I disagree”.</p><p>“You asshole”, Gun pushes Off’s hand back, finally letting go of it as he teased Gun once more, “You’re a dickhead”.</p><p>Off looked back at Gun once more, with now a softer look in his eyes as he found himself enjoying how cute Gun looked when he was mad, with his nose scrunched and his eyebrows furrowed, looking away from Off and returning his gaze to his wall.</p><p>“How about Chimon?”</p><p>Gun froze at the mention of his younger cousin. He didn’t even thought of him that way, the boy being too broken himself to make it easier for Gun. But he didn’t mind, he knew that Chimon needed someone, and that they were the only ones they even had in their lives. He didn’t consider his cousin as his sun, because he knew he had to be Chimon’s instead. The boy was too broken to take on the burden of his older cousin, which is why Gun wasn’t even bothered to ask for anything in exchange of being there for him. But he knew that one day, sooner or later, he’d be needing one as well.</p><p>“No”, Gun said, “I would never put that burden on him”.</p><p>“What about you?</p><p>“What about <em>me</em>?”</p><p>“Everyone needs someone, Gun”, Off shifts his body towards the shorter boy, the latter following shortly after.</p><p>They’ve stared into each other’s eyes too much today, but he didn’t mind. They were introduced to a brand new feeling, and they didn’t complain about how weird it felt. They were two broken boys put under the pressure of the whole world’s problems that they didn’t have the time to think of an excuse to look away.</p><p>It was too comfortable to even begin with.</p><p>“I don’t”, Gun answers. He lied, because deep inside he knew he did. He was too used to putting up a front, and it felt wrong to not be honest about this one thing when he’d been completely honest around the boy, even more than he did with anyone nor himself.</p><p>“We all need the sun”, the taller boy’s breath grazed against Gun’s cold skin. The smell of vanilla and mint enveloped him.</p><p>His fragrance was enough to calm him down, it distracted him from the smell of wet wood and old books eliciting from his apartment. It filled his entire system and the sight of the taller boy whom he thought he hated so much didn’t even feel new to him anymore. He was too overwhelmed at how heavenly the boy looked to judge the feelings growing in his chest.</p><p> “You’re broken." Off whispered, "I just hope you wouldn’t keep on closing yourself up completely before someone saves you”</p><p>They were too close to each other that it felt weird for the two of them that they didn’t feel strange the closer they got. Once again, <em>it felt natural. </em>They were both basking in each other’s presence, and the comfort that they’ve always longed for. Both boys didn’t expect just how good it feels to be around each other. Gun realized just how surreal the boy was, that no matter how shitty the world was around them, he still managed to put up a smile. He wondered if he was the one who will save him from this shitty world, and it made him shiver. Gun wondered who Off meant when he mentioned someone saving him, and it made his chest tighten when he silently whispered in his mind that he meant himself. He wanted Off to save him, but he was scared to admit it, even to himself. He didn’t want to be a burden to the perfect boy.</p><p>The room felt like spinning. As if they were in a movie. Both their hearts were pounding so hard that neither of them wanted to move. But the awkward atmosphere began to loom over the two boys once they were aware of the situation they put themselves in, but due to the tension growing in the distance between them, they remained frozen in their spot, chests tightened and hearts pounding as the rain began to do so as well, together with cold air filling the whole room.</p><p>Gun broke their gaze once he heard the windows bang against each other with a loud thud.</p><p> “Ah fuck, not again”, he huffed, racing to the windows to close them.</p><p>Off followed soon after, his footsteps slow and heavy as he approaches the window, his chest still tight from seeing the boy up close like that. He slowly positioned himself behind the boy struggling to close the windows at it had stuck in place due to the heavy wind, leaning into the boy and brushing his hands over his arms as he reached for the handles of the windows.</p><p>“I didn’t bring you here so you can take advantage of me”</p><p>Gun’s comment was unexpected, as Off widened his eyes, shifting backwards when he realized that it was a weird move. He froze in his spot, earning a chuckle from Gun who slowly tried to bring him back into position.</p><p>“Not so cocky now are we”</p><p>“Oh please”, Off coughed awkwardly, “brave of you to assume I was going to take advantage of me”, he paused for a while, taking the time to whisper into Gun’s ears, “maybe you’re saying that ‘cos you want me to?”</p><p>“<em>Oh please</em>, as if anyone would enjoy you”, Gun laughed a little bit as he repeated the boy's words, but before Off could say anything else,  he sees something trickling down his shoulder, seeing Off’s arms which were wet from the rain, slowly dripping a hot substance on him as he hovered over him.</p><p>“Off”, Gun’s eyes widened when he realized what it was, slightly pushing the taller boy off him, “you’re bleeding”.</p><p>Off’s eyes shift over his arms, Gun must have gripped hard enough to reopen the wounds. The shorter boy stumbled over as he rushed to his bathroom to find the first aid kit he hid under his sink. The taller boy tried to follow him, only to be told to stay put by Gun who was definitely freaking out at this point.</p><p>“Hey, slow down”, Off hushed the boy once he returned, “It’s fine”.</p><p>“No it’s not”, the shorter boy released huff breaths when he returned, rushing to Off’s aid and wondering why he was so panicked, his hands shaking as he slowly unwrapped the taller boy’s gauze, scared that he would hurt him. He began to ask himself why he felt a wave of panic shoot up from his spine, making him run towards the bathroom, when he didn’t even budge a few weeks ago when he witnessed Off cut his knee during P.E. He realized that it probably stemmed from the guilt, knowing that it was him who caused the boy to acquire those cuts.</p><p>“Slow down, Gun. I’m fine”, Off reassured him when he felt the boy’s hands shake while putting on the iodine, placing his hands over Gun’s to calm him down.</p><p>He slowly felt a brush of guilt dim down on him when he realized how deep the ones on the back of his arms were compared to his forearms. It bled too much that he had to gather a lot of breath before he could graze the cotton over it.</p><p>“I’m sorry”, Gun said, his breaths short, huffing for more until Off placed another hand on his cheek. The action didn’t make Gun feel better, in fact, it felt as if he grew more guilty at how shitty he was, compared to how nice Off acted towards him, calming him down as if it was his fault. The taller boy made sure to put down the cotton Gun was holding before he could continue calming him down; he didn’t want to witness another panic attack as much as possible, not because he didn’t want to handle it, but because he didn’t want Gun to have another breakdown.</p><p>He found the boy too precious to suffer another traumatizing experience.</p><p>“No, Gun. Don’t be”.</p><p>“But it’s my fault”</p><p>“It is, but you shouldn’t hold yourself accountable to it, I was the reason why you did it in the first place”.</p><p>The shorter boy calmed down a little bit, and yet his hands were still shaking for another reason.</p><p>“Why are you shaking?” Off held tighter onto Gun’s hands, rubbing his thumb on his cheeks and along his lower lash line as he saw the tears welling in his eyes.</p><p>“I-I can’t handle the sight of blood too much”, Gun stuttered as he continued to graze the cotton lightly on Off’s arms. He wasn’t bothered about the hand on his cheek, but it made him shake even more as if he didn’t know how to act around the boy, the hand on his cheek making him forget how to function, and the sight of blood which traumatized him slowly making him go insane. But he managed to still treat Off without hesitance.</p><p>“Would you hate me if I asked why?”</p><p>Off let the boy treat him, as he insisted to. He decided to stay still and let the boy treat his wounds so in hopes of avoiding a worse scenario where he intervenes and having to witness Gun break down once more. That’s why he settled on talking the boy to calm him down. He thought that if he talked about his burdens, it would make it easier for the boy. Since releasing had always been easier than keeping it all in, even though if it seemed like the only choice.</p><p>“When I was a kid”, Gun began, still shaking, but slowly calming down with Off’s hold, “they usually used violence to discipline me and Chimon”, he stopped for a while, “the men from our family came from the highest ranks in the military, so they had no mercy. They had to see blood before they could force themselves to stop”, Off breathed in a deep breath, having had witnessed it himself. But he didn’t want Gun to take on the burden as he already had to deal with his own.</p><p>They practically had the same story, but he decided that it was a story he’d tell Gun on another day. But the truth was Off had it worse, having to come home with a smile on his face even if the world had beat him up into a pulp. He felt the same as Gun, and the worst part was, he still had to experience it as his dad was a very strict person. Saying his father was strict felt like an understatement, it felt more like dictatorship. But he didn’t want to bother Gun with his problems, as he already had his own. He figured he wanted to be there for Gun as much as possible. Before his dad takes control over his life completely.</p><p>A year from now, he wouldn’t be having moments like this with him anymore.</p><p>He wanted to help Gun fix himself as much as possible, because before he knew it, he’d be seeing himself sporting a green uniform having dirt kicked at his face with only the thought of Gun, and nothing more.</p><p>He needed to do it while he still had time. But Gun didn’t know that.</p><p>He was jealous that the shorter boy didn’t have to undergo this torture, but instead, he released a sigh of relief that he only had to worry about himself, and that he didn’t have the same heavy responsibilities unlike himself.</p><p>“I kind of carried that fear until now”, Gun paused for a while as he continued to put bandages on the cuts, “the sight of blood only reminds me of them”. He stops for a while, his tears came to a halt once more when Off told him to continue.</p><p> ”My dad liked to think he was different, but he wasn’t. He still hurt me.”</p><p>“Isn’t he the one supporting you?”</p><p>“That doesn’t take the fear away”, Gun began to wrap the gauze around Off’s arms finally finishing. His breaths slow down as he disposes of the used gauze, “but not being able to see them helped simmer down the trauma a little bit”.</p><p>The shorter boy looked away from Off, realizing he’d just said too much, and it only dawned on him that he was the only one talking when Off removed his hand from his cheek and placed it on his other hand with soft eyes.</p><p>“I don’t even know why I told you that”, Gun says while he continued to avoid Off’s gaze. But his demeanour remained calm, as he sighed from the feeling of finally releasing at least a little bit from his chest.</p><p>“At least you’re not alone anymore”, Off smiled at Gun, before shifting his gaze outside. It wasn’t raining anymore. But his eyes remain glued on the bright glow looming from the sky, eliciting an awed gasp from Off.</p><p>The skies were already dark, and the only thing that brightened the two boys’ nights was the bright glow of the growing moon after the short fall of rain. it shocked both boys at how the moon elicited an excited feeling from both of them, that they practically jumped out from their seats when they say the glowing ball from the sky. They chuckled at each other at how childish they both seemed.</p><p>“Quick! Turn that off”, Gun followed after Off, asking him to turn the lights off so they can watch the moon, and enjoy it in its entirety. He walked towards the boy who just turned down the switch and was already sat on his bed facing the window to stare at the moon.</p><p>“I didn’t know you liked the moon”, it felt like the first time that Gun had started a conversation, and the first time in which Off didn’t answer right away. He was too busy admiring the beautiful orb that hovered upon them; an orb of light that resembled the way he saw Gun, "most people would just look at it. they wouldn't even be bothered to stop and stare at how beautiful it is".</p><p>“Yeah”, Off was too preoccupied by the breath-taking allure that the moon was show-casing, making his breath hitched as it had been a long time since he stopped what he was doing to sit and watch it closely. Gun, however was pissed as the boy's response who didn't even come close to the amount of words he said. He realized just how much he talked the whole night, and it felt weird. Normally, he would be alone. His friends would call him all the time but he rarely answers. It surprised him just how much thoughts he put into words tonight, and he wondered why out of all people to be unusually vulnerable around, it had to be Off.</p><p>“I’m usually alone when I see it being this beautiful”, the shorter boy sighed, “Someone once told me that I should seek to the moon for comfort. God know how they knew that, but I wouldn’t think much of it. Anyone would love to watch the moon and the stars”.</p><p>“And who might that be?”</p><p>Gun shook his head. He was referring to the letter he received lately. Hell, even he didn’t know who it was, and he was still too hesitant to talk to Off about it anyway.</p><p>“Okay, it’s fine if you don’t want to talk about it”, Off smiled at him softly, “But at least you’re not alone crying now”.</p><p>Gun continued to stare at the moon. Usually it would take hours before Gun could take his eyes away from the moon that calmed him down, but this time, it didn’t even take him a second to tear his gaze away to look at Off and smile at him.</p><p>“You won’t be alone anymore, I promise”, Off reassured Gun. But the latter was hesitant. He didn’t believe Off. Life was too uncertain at this point, and he wanted to prepare himself from any surprises. But part of him hoped that the opposite of his thoughts would happen. He didn’t believe Off, but deep inside, he was scared to admit that he didn’t want the boy to leave.</p><p>“I’m still sorry”, Gun whispers, looking at the boy’s bandages, “I probably did a terrible job treating your wounds too”.</p><p>“It’ll go away either way”.</p><p>The taller boy breathed in the cold air to realize that the boy’s eyes were tired, and he was starting to bob his head down from exhaustion. Off shifted beside Gun, positioning his shoulder in the direction that Gun’s head was falling, the boy didn’t even realize he was falling asleep until he felt a warm feeling against his cheek. He jumped a little bit, but he was too tired to lift his head up, letting the darkness succumb his tired head.</p><p>“You know”, Off said, trying not to move too much to avoid Gun’s head from falling, “Maybe the reason why your sun is running late is because life reserved a moon for you instead”.</p><p>“What the fuck is that supposed to mean”, the shorter boy was too tired to think of an explanation for what he heard, his eyes slowly shutting before he even knew it.</p><p>“Maybe all you really need is someone to walk with you in the dark, while you guide yourself into eternal brightness”. It was the last thing that Gun heard before he felt himself drifting off to sleep.</p><p>The taller boy smiled, looking at the boy who fell asleep beside him, on his shoulder. Waiting a few minutes before he placed his hand onto the shorter boy’s back and laying him down on his bed. Off felt his heart rush at the sight of the sleeping boy. <em>It was as if he’d lived up to this moment, as if he had waited all those years, and he finally got this far. </em>His eyes spot a small sheet of paper, folded and placed in Gun’s grip, it was as if he fell asleep reading it. He looked away immediately before his mind could conjure more thoughts, walking towards the table to finish the work Gun had left. It turns out that they talked too much the whole night that Gun didn’t even have the time to start his paper work. But Off didn’t even hesitate to grab his pen and begin to work on it.</p><p>Off thought back to what he told Gun.</p><p>That was the truth, most times; we just needed someone to light our way in the dark.</p><p>But another thought loomed over Off, it bothered him too much. It pestered his mind even 3 hours later when he was leaving Gun’s apartment, even when he walked home and sneaked past their security to get to his room. He was too distracted by the thought that he couldn’t even be bothered by Tay’s calls and his constant messaging, worried about both Off and Gun as they hadn’t contacted any of their friends the whole day. It even followed him up until the next day as he stayed still lying on his bed, facing the ceiling at 4 am.</p><p>With not much time left, he knew that he would be regretting not spending time with Gun before, that he couldn’t help him until he was really okay. He wanted to be there for the boy even if his life wasn’t falling apart anymore. He didn’t want to accompany him only in darkness. But maybe that was what he was supposed to be for the boy, and it pained him that he couldn’t be the boy’s <em>sun</em>.</p><p>It seemed selfish, but as he thought back to the sight of the sleeping boy, his mind couldn’t stop thinking that maybe he was just the moon; the one who stays with Gun as he walks in the dark, guiding him in his darkest moments, only for him to drift away while watching the boy walk into genuine happiness; <em>where he could spend his life gliding with the sun that taught him of love.</em></p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <strong>If you ever look down upon yourself, just remember that the person writing this wants you to look up and see the beauty everyone else sees in you.</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>                                                                                                            -  Always and Forever, Anonymous.</strong>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>damn, i got too invested in this chapter.</p><p>side note: <br/>the notes that Gun receives aren't only for story purposes, they're directed at you as well. <br/>These characters are written to portray modern life problems, and some exist in my personal life as well. So if you relate to these character, or if you ever feel like you're having a rough day, feel free to reach out to me. i will always be happy to help if it means helping people avoid the struggles I'm currently dealing with. </p><p>thankyou for the support for this work, i want you to know that not only does it give me motivation to continue working on this, but it also helps me in finding motivation for everyday life. writing is a treat, and you get the full glory of it when you see the support going into it, knowing that you've been pouring your heart into it. </p><p>i love you all.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. twelve</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>12</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>2012; SUMMER BREAK</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>“I didn’t know you would be here”, Gun sat on his chair, watching Off enter the empty classroom they were in.</p><p>He remained frozen at the way that the boy walked in, his first three buttons on his uniform opened, and his jacket lazily slung over his slumped shoulders. It didn’t look like the Off he was used to at all, he was so different from the neat boy he used to know who didn’t even like removing his neck tie, but there he was, looking like a leading man from a typical high school movie.</p><p>Gun stared at the boy who walked towards him, gently setting himself down on the piano bench that the shorter boy sat on, subconsciously pushing his body against the boy. He didn’t know why his heart began beating faster than before when he felt Off’s warmth against him. His mind went in circles the moment he realized himself being wrapped in Off’s intoxicating scent, basking in the boy’s warmth as he continued to stare. It drove him insane, and he wondered why he could be feeling that way when he didn’t before, it scared him to say the least, but the more time he spent looking at the boy playing with his phone as he leaned against the wooden piano, he began to think against it and continued to appreciate how wonderful the heart-fluttering feeling was.</p><p> “You don’t need to fucking know everything”, the shorter boy snapped, turning around to avoid his gaze which was piercing through his entire body.</p><p>“I don’t think it’s necessary to be rude”</p><p>“I’m just talking normally, it’s not my fault if you hadn’t gotten used to me yet”, the shorter boy explained properly to stare back at the piece he was trying to play. It’s been years since he played, but the moment the music club carried the new piano into the practice room, he felt like going back to his old ways and at least try to remember the things he learned before.</p><p>Unfortunately, he sat there for almost an hour and realized that his fingers didn’t want to cooperate with him anymore.</p><p>“You play?” Off shifted towards the piano, hitting random chords and octaves, surprising the shorter boy at how casual it was for the boy to be doing what he’d been struggling to remember since an hour ago.</p><p>“Used to, but not anymore”, Gun replied, “I didn’t know you could”.</p><p>There was something about the taller boy today that Gun probably turned a blind eye upon usually. He was calmer, and more relaxed. Off usually had an i-don’t-give-a-fuck expression most of the time, but this time he seemed much more peaceful. A part of Gun seemed to melt the more he stared at Off. His eyes burning and his chest pumping from the sensation his heart was eliciting once his gaze turned to shift from the boy’s peaceful expression, all the way down to his calm posture.</p><p> He looked like a sanctuary, not to mention --perfect.</p><p>“I come from an over competitive family, what do you expect?”</p><p>“So I assume that the piano’s not your only instrument”</p><p>“I was forced to take a lot of lessons”</p><p>“Did you like it?”</p><p>“No”, Off responded blankly, slumping his shoulders and looking sadly at the piano, “I don’t enjoy most of what they let me do”.</p><p>“But what do you want to do?”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>Gun figured it was probably too personal for the boy to tell him. He thought against it since he didn’t want to pry into the boy’s privacy. As much time they spent, he didn’t want to make the boy uncomfortable as much as possible. But he would be lying if he said he wasn’t concerned of the boy.</p><p>“I mean what do you really want to play?”</p><p>“I always wanted to learn the bass”, Off smiled, “But I guess there aren’t many bass competitions to join, since my parents prefer that I stay away from it”.</p><p>Gun nodded at his response, smiling sadly as he didn’t know what else to say. He thought about comforting the boy, but he knew that doing that would only result in the boy feeling worse, he tried to understand the boy instead, since he knew that understanding a person’s situation was better than comforting them with flowery words as if it was going to make it better.</p><p>The fluttering feeling in his heart didn’t even bother going away the more that he talked to Off. He was beginning to scare himself the more that he thought about it. His eyes landing on the boy’s pink lips as they carried on with the conversation, but he soon looked away when he realized how weird it was. But he had no control of it.</p><p>“How ‘bout you?”</p><p>“What about me?”</p><p>“Was piano your first choice?”</p><p>“Take a guess”, Gun smirked, but what he really felt was far from that. He hated being forced to do things, but he had no other choice.</p><p>“How many years did you take lessons?”</p><p>“Probably since I was five”, he responded, “Until I moved out.”</p><p>“Must be nice”, Off stood up from the bench, positioning himself in front of the piano to play a familiar tune. Probably a piece that Gun himself had played over a million times.</p><p>
  <em>‘Ludovico Einaudi's I Giorni </em>
</p><p>“What’s nice?” he questioned the boy as he played, the melancholic tune filling the emptiness, not only in the room, but in both of their hollow hearts. The piece wasn’t the saddest one out there, but both boys felt a sense of comfort in the depressing feeling that the tune elicited. it wasn't at all a depressing piece, but the mood the composer originally tried to make them feel was making him feel the opposite of it. He struggled dealing with the tempo at first, but Gun's stare was able to melt his frozen posture, immediately relaxing as he continued to play.</p><p>“Living alone”</p><p>“Not really”, Gun replied, letting himself be comforted by the warm tone of the piano that was being played in front of him, “It gets kind of lonely every once in a while”</p><p>“Then why did you leave?”</p><p>“I thought being alone was better than being surrounded by people who make you feel lonely”</p><p>Off played the piece slower than he intended to, as if he was trying to catch his own emotions in the piece. Gun wanted to know what they were. He wanted to know what he was feeling at the moment as the tune felt completely different than the first time he heard it. It felt more honest. More sincere.</p><p>He was so invested in the whole situation that he felt himself reaching towards the keys as the other boy continued to play a simple harmony, one that wasn't present in the original since it was a solo, but he thought it would be a nice combination since Off already made it his own in the first place; something he usually did. The boy glanced at him a bit, making Gun chuckle a bit at the other boy's unusual way of playing; Off stood over the piano, hovering over the keys in a slumped, yet relaxed position. Most players would be sitting down to avoid getting uncomfortable while playing. The boy was different, but he was living his own life, and it made his heart flutter at how different the boy was. He continued to stare at the boy beside him as he started playing the melody; with Off immediately shifting to a counter melody to fill in the space once he realized that Gun took over the part he was originally playing, completing and making the piece feel a lot more whole.</p><p>He was focused on hitting the right keys, but his eyes would randomly shift over the boy beside him, appreciating just how perfect the boy looked as he effortlessly played the difficult parts. It wasn't the hardest piece, but since it's been a long time since they both played, they struggled a bit, but it was only a matter of a few minutes before they got the hang of it again. It didn’t even dawn on both that none of them were looking at the sheet music in front of them, playing as if they’ve memorized the piece and neither of the two understood how they did that, knowing for a fact that they’ve forgotten about the piece for so long. They just played along with what they remembered, totally relying on their memories of the pitch along with the position of their fingers on the keys, and the feelings they’re both currently holding within the few inches left of distance between them.</p><p>They probably won’t believe it if someone told them that music had the power to reawaken powerful feelings, hence be able to let them play a tune that elicits the same feeling. It didn’t make sense for both boys, but the more that they played the long forgotten tune with only each other’s presence, the more that they denied it.</p><p>“But you’re not alone”, Off said suddenly as they continued to play.</p><p>They played in a very different way than how it's traditionally played. intentionally slowing down the tempo to add a little bit of finesse into it. but all else remained the same. The piece itself didn’t really mean anything, or so they were told, but they made the tune completely different, adding their own flare to it and not going with the old and traditional way of playing it. It was their way of breaking free from the same old routine, trying to live the way they wanted. And honestly, it felt nice; especially with the way that their eyes perfectly capture what they were trying to tell each other as of the moment as they stared and played simultaneously.</p><p>“Says who?”</p><p>“Says me”, Off joked.</p><p>Gun’s breath hitched the moment that he felt warmth beside him, realizing that he was getting much closer. Neither of them noticed who leaned in first, but the next thing they knew, their arms were practically intertwined with one another, and Gun could almost feel Off's heartbeat in his chest.</p><p>“You’re not sure”, Gun whispered, shifting his head subconsciously to Off’s side, nearly closing in the distance that the two boys have left. The taller boy found it even more difficult to move the more that he realized that he was almost in close proximity to the shorter’s face. And yet the feeling of friction against both of their skins weren’t really bothering the taller boy.</p><p>“I am”, Off responded in a hush tone, enough for only both of them to hear.</p><p>“How are you so sure, then?”</p><p>“Well, I’m here now aren’t I?”</p><p>Gun didn’t realize just how close Off was leaning towards him until he felt his hot breath against his neck. He didn’t even notice the boy shifting closer when he decided to change octaves altogether. His breath hitched, making him pause for a while when the taller boy’s hands shifted closer to his. He avoided reacting to the boy’s previous response, making him flush red at the sensation of his hot breath against his skin, once again being intoxicated by Off’s bodily scent mixed with a little bit of mint and vanilla.</p><p><em>‘The sight itself is intoxicating’</em>, Gun whispers to himself, going back to what he was doing before Off distracted him.</p><p>“Shit, I ruined it”, Gun whispered, upset that he broke the peaceful melody when he pressed the wrong note after pausing. He felt himself freeze in his position when Off shifted over his back, creating an odd sensation that went up his spine, all the way up to his neck.</p><p>“Let’s switch”, Off kept his lips near Gun’s ear, making the boy shiver when he shifted closer to the boy’s face, the shorter boy stupidly turning his head to face him by habit, despite the knowledge of how close Off’s face was next to his, “You take over”.</p><p>“But I don’t know how”</p><p>His breath hitched as they both stare at each other, their eyes almost melting into each other, with Off soon realizing just how breath taking the boy looked the more he stared into his dark brown orbs; the corners of his eyes glimmering. It made Off’s heart start beating abnormally, unknowingly shifting towards the boy as his eyes narrow down to his chapped lips. They were chapped and red, the looks of it made it seem as if Gun had been gnawing on his lips since the morning, and that he didn’t drink enough water. Off continued to stare at him, hoping he would take care of himself more. He wondered why a boy like Gun Atthapahan could be so perfect and yet at the same time so broken, he wanted to take care of him himself; and the closer he got to the boy, the warmer it became for the both of them.</p><p>His eyes couldn’t tear away from how beautiful the boy looked right in front of him, wondering why he’s kept himself hidden from him all these years, subconsciously cursing himself because of how rash he acted towards him the past few years. He felt himself leaning down towards his lips, taking in the moment when he realized that the boy had remained frozen right in front of him, not moving at all.</p><p>“I’ll teach you”, Off spoke up, his voice barely even a whisper, draping his hands over the shorter boy who froze in his spot.</p><p>Gun, on the other hand, didn’t know whether to move or not, but the closer that Off leaned towards him, the more that he realized that he wasn’t moving by choice. He didn’t want to admit it, but he purposely froze in his spot, waiting for the boy to finally close the distance between them. </p><p>Their hands moved in sync, Off pushing on Gun’s fingers to play the proper keys, but the shorter boy’s fingers shivered from the warm touch of the person beside him. His body feeling hot when Off’s chest rubbed against his back, his chin lightly pressed on his shoulder while his breath ultimately moving from his neck, and back to his cheek. Their arms were tangled together, while Off’s hands softly hovered over Gun’s cold ones.</p><p>He avoided the thought of it, but he couldn’t bare but think just how perfect this moment felt.</p><p>And Gun didn’t want to wait another second to make this even more perfect, as he leaned in towards the boy, feeling a warm rush of blood in his entire face, and a weird yet comfortable shiver against his spine.</p><p>And just like that, their lips touched.</p><p>Gun felt strange at the moment, as if all the hatred he built up all these years suddenly just faded away. He didn’t like the thought of Off’s lips pressed against his; it was as if he was admitting defeat to the boy. But at that moment, all that he could think about is the warmth he felt all throughout his body as they stayed that way, with no one moving, just basking in the feeling of intimacy. </p><p>No one moved for a while, frozen from the overwhelming feeling or each other as the heat elicited from their lips, down their arms and spines.</p><p>They froze for a moment, but it took less than a second for Off to start kissing him back when he realized that he wanted to do more than just press lips with the boy. He didn’t know how they got into this situation, but a part of Gun loved it. They didn’t know what they were doing; in fact, they were both surprised at how good it felt despite the lack of knowledge. They went with the flow, deciding to go slow at first; lips softly touching as if they were teaching themselves, gently moving their lips together as to not hurt each other. Heads tilting in unison to the opposite direction, with their lips moving in sync as Gun’s arms gently wrapped around Off’s neck, running his hands down to feel the boy’s body, with the faint thought of doing more than just kissing the boy.</p><p>He shifted closer towards Off’s body, wrapping his arms around his neck until he felt Off lightly brush his tongue against the bottom of his lips, asking for entrance as the boy continued to pull him closer by his waist.</p><p>It dawned upon him that neither of them knew how to kiss, not one of them had their first kiss yet. But the moment felt as if they were in the movies, it felt all too perfect that it didn’t even seem like it was a hard time for the both of them. It was as if the warmth they felt was telling the both of them how to do it, and there they were. Hands tangled in each other’s hair as Gun granted him entrance. The excitement the boy felt present as they were leaning closer to each other with Off putting his entire weight on Gun, making him fall onto his back, roughly hitting the soft carpet of the practice room.</p><p>Both boys were dumbfounded to say the least, one moment they were playing the piano, but here they were doing God knows what on school grounds. It felt wrong, but they were too comfortable to break apart from each other.</p><p>It was the heat of the moment, with Gun wrapping his arms around Off’s neck once again to pull him much closer, making Off’s hands wander down from his waist.</p><p>“Wait”, Gun breathed, pulling when he felt Off’s lips move from his lips to his ear, leaving a trail of kisses, licking and sucking until he got to certain spot which made Gun lightly push him away. But his hands continued to leave a burning trail as it found its way inside his shirt, trailing down from his waist, hips, and moving closer to his thighs.</p><p>The boy didn’t say anything as he continued to kiss the boy’s neck, desperate to hear the boy whine from pleasure as they were the only two left in the entire campus, with the moon growing from the large window beside them. They didn’t even know why they were doing this to each other, the last thing they knew was they hated each other, but here they were, holding each other tight as they both craved for more.</p><p>Gun was having enough as he started to feel a warm rush on his abdomen the moment Off’s hot hands grazed over the garter of his trousers, unzipping it as he trailed his fingers underneath, making him elicit a sound he’s never made from his throat.</p><p> </p><p><em>“Fuck…</em>Gun<em>”</em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Off”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Gun opened his eyes, feeling his heart pound and his sweat rushing from his forehead all the way down to his neck. He blinked profusely as the harsh light seeped in from the window, blinding him the more he kept his eyes opened. He sat up to catch his breath to wonder why he’s been breathing so heavily as he brought his hands to his chest to feel the pressure of his pounding heart. A heavy feeling in his chest made it hard for him to breathe, along with the pounding of his head. Gun wondered what made him feel that way the moment he woke up as he sat up, feeling sweat pour down from his forehead. His eyes were watering for some reason, and his stomach ached a bit, feeling something hard lightly press against it.</p><p>The dream he had must have been extreme, and yet for the first few minutes, he couldn’t remember anything from it at all. He couldn’t remember much, but the moment he looked down to see a growing tent in his shorts, he almost threw his pillow out the window from embarrassment when he suddenly remembered what he just whispered before opening his eyes.</p><p> It explained the slight pain in his stomach and the hard object pressing against it.</p><p>
  <em>“Off”</em>
</p><p>“Jesus… fuck”, he cursed when he went to examine the hard surface seeping from the rough cloth of his shorts. He trembled at the throbbing sensation all over it, as he used a pillow to cover his face which was flushed red. The boy wasn’t even near him, and yet he felt extremely embarrassed.</p><p>“Fuck you”, he repeated to himself. Lightly hitting his cheeks to snap himself out of it, as he still felt a slight sensation the more he thought about the dream, with the pressure of the boy’s body on top of him still present, and the heat of his lips against his ears and neck.</p><p>“God, Gun, pull yourself together”, He shivered from discomfort. He continued to lie in bed in a crouched position, cursing his mind for coming up with something like that, “What the hell even was that?”</p><p>It wasn’t the first time that Gun had experienced this. In fact, he’s had dreams like this about the girls he liked for countless of times. It didn’t bother him at all that he dreamt of a boy, in fact, he was always open to the idea. Of course, the main difference for this situation was, this time, it was Off; the boy he said he despised.</p><p>He tried to lie down again, hoping the dream would just fade away from his mind before he could do anything stupid. But the pressure from his lower body wasn’t going away the more that he thought about it.</p><p>He wondered why it had to be the boy. He asked himself that question over and over; maybe he couldn’t just accept the fact that he didn’t hate him anymore. The fact that he’s never felt this towards anyone else but Off could have contributed to the foundation of his dream. Maybe he just couldn’t bear with the fact that he found himself thinking of the boy too often and wondered where he is when he’s not around. Maybe he just thought about him more than he should. But he didn’t want to blame himself for it. It wasn’t his fault that Off felt like his safe space; a sanctuary that he’s never been in before. He told himself that maybe it wasn’t wrong to feel attached towards the boy.</p><p>In fact, he hasn’t seen him in more than two days.</p><p>He understood that it was the weekend the past few days and the student council weren’t needed during those times, but he couldn’t help but think about where the boy could have run off to. He wasn’t the type of person who would just suddenly disappear on him. Gun couldn’t help but wonder if it was something he did, since he didn’t see the boy since that night in his apartment, and the last sign he had of him was the finished paper work on his desk when he woke up the next morning.</p><p>He felt bad for falling asleep that night while they were watching the moon, but Off’s presence just felt so new to him, it was too comfortable that he couldn’t help himself melt from his aura. Talking to Off all night made him tired, but in a different way, he was always tired, but he never could force his restless mind to sleep. That night with Off felt so safe for Gun that his mind didn’t even have the time to conjure negative thoughts into his head, finally making him fall asleep in peace for the first time in what felt like forever.</p><p>Ever since that day, he’s had to spend the days in school alone, as if the past few days with Off was just nothing.</p><p>But he didn’t even bother to contact him; he figured he wasn’t that desperate, and he didn’t want to bother him. But he had to admit that having to feel the same feeling of loneliness once again bothered him to a certain extent that he wasn’t even in the mood to check his messages nor his social media. The boy’s disappearance had taken a toll on him and he didn’t even know why. He convinced himself that he wasn’t in the position to be depressed about it, but having the boy by his side for the past couple days took an effect on him that he started getting used to Off.</p><p>It didn’t make sense at all; but he figured that it was the reason for his dreams.</p><p>The thought didn’t help his current situation though, as he dealt with a very dangerous case of morning wood. He sighed when he looked over and realized that it wasn’t leaking any <em>substance.</em> But with that, he felt like dreaming about him in the first place made sense<em>. </em>He couldn’t help but admit to himself that something was missing, and that was his mind’s way of telling himself that he indeed missed him.</p><p>“What the fuck am I going to do with this?” Gun said while looking at his situation, almost horrified at how worse it became the more he thought of him. He figured that he had to resolve his problem if he wanted to get over with it faster. He didn’t want to come up with more fantasies when he went to school.</p><p>“This is so messed up”, he said, shaking as he stood up to go to his bathroom, rushing into the shower after taking all his clothes off. He turned on the shower to feel the warm water hit his skin. He couldn’t help but notice that despite the disturbing dream he had, this was the first time he’s had enough sleep. He didn’t feel drowsy at all, although the discomfort he was feeling from down below definitely didn’t help.</p><p>He stared down his body, grabbing hold of his <em>current situation. </em>He tried shifting is hand down in swift motions as he emptied his mind. He didn’t want to think about it anymore since he didn’t want to make the situation worse. Instead, he began thinking about other things that he knew he used to like; but nothing.</p><p>“I hate myself”, he whispered when he continued to shift his hand up and down, recalling the dream.</p><p>If Gun thought back to this day in the future, he would probably shake his head in disgust. But the more that he pumped to the image of the boy in his dreams, the more that he realized how much it felt good.</p><p>He told himself that it was only for the sake of pleasing the discomfort he felt, and not for the sake of pleasuring himself. He didn’t want to go to school like that, it was way too dangerous. He just wanted to get it over with. He continuously told himself not to respond to his actions, but as time went by, he found himself picking up his pace after realizing how good it felt.</p><p>With the warm water hitting his body, along with the heat riling up once again from his stomach, his chest started to feel heavy once again, his heart fluttering to the thought of the boy as his fingers grazed against his hard cock. It wasn’t the first time he did it, but the heart fluttering sensation he was feeling made it seem like it was his first time. Usually he would be all riled up, losing his breath as he picked up his pace while jerking himself off to a random image he’d find on the internet. His mind pacing along with the emptiness he felt in his chest while he did it.</p><p> Although the experience he was having right now felt weird. He wasn’t feeling empty; in fact, this was the first time he felt as if something filled up inside of him.</p><p>“Is it just because I miss him?” he questioned, reprimanding himself when he accidentally admits.</p><p>Deep down, he knew that it wasn’t just because he missed him. And deep down, he knew he missed him not just because he spent too long alone. He knew it was something else. The faster that his hand moved, and the harder that his other hand pushed against the white walls of the shower, the more that he realized what it was. But he’d rather be caught dead than admit what it was.</p><p>
  <em>“Off”</em>
</p><p>His breath hitched when he heard himself suddenly elicit a low moan.</p><p>“Oh God, no”, Gun immediately stopped. Standing up straight and taking his time to catch his breath. He rushed towards the shelves, reaching for his bath tools and trying to forget what just happened as he continued to do what he was supposed to do in the first place, ignoring his semi-hard cock which craved for more.</p><p>“I’m never going to talk about this with anyone”</p><p>Gun opened the door from his bathroom, stepping outside of the shower, and refusing to think of the previous situation again. He sighed while he looked at the mirror, getting ready for another day of suspension. It was his last day, to be exact. He knew that he was supposed to be happy about it since it was the last day that he had to go to that hell hole. But part of him found it as a routine already. He didn’t understand why he felt hesitant, maybe he just didn’t know what to do for the rest of the summer, and hanging out with friends seemed exhausting for them, or maybe it had something to do with the boy who accompanied him all those days. He didn’t want to think about him anymore, but he had to admit that having the boy beside him, filling in the emptiness he had in his chest felt better than his usual days.</p><p>He feared that it was because of the second reason, as he was still left with a slight feeling of discomfort in his lower region.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“I’m hoping I won’t see you here again next year”</p><p>Gun was tired, too exhausted to respond to the principal after a whole day to himself. He realized just how empty it felt like it was the first time in a long time. The amount of work doubled and he had to do an abundance of physical work this time, but he didn’t think it was the physical stress that exhausted him. Instead, he was starting to admit to himself that it was because of the boy he saw in his dreams, holding him and touching him as if they were the only two people left alive.</p><p>The whole day went by slower than expected for Gun. He spent the rest of the afternoon just staring at the clock and watching time go by slower than ever. He usually just sat around when he didn’t have any more work to be done, but this time was different, he didn’t have anyone to talk to. He wanted to believe that he was just used to Off, but deep inside he knew that he missed him even if it had only been a few days. But he was troubled, thinking about what could have happened to the boy. It even surprised him just how concerned he felt after nearly 4 days of not talking to the boy.</p><p>He didn’t dare think of what happened in the shower again. It was fairly easy for him as he had an abundance of things to think about. The thought didn’t even pop into his mind even once. He had more problems to deal with other than his hormonal adolescent needs. Plus, he felt like he was violating the boy’s dignity for doing that without his permission. It felt wrong and right at the same time.</p><p>He didn’t know why the boy occupied his mind, and it scared the living shit out of him. He never felt attached to anyone, not even his closest friends, which is why he denied every bit of thought about missing the boy.</p><p>But one thing was for sure… he felt lost without having Off there beside him.</p><p>“I’m hoping too”, Gun whispers, replying to his principal who looked at him with a concerned look.</p><p>“You don’t look like you’re okay”</p><p>“Well, I’ve never been okay”, Gun blankly says with a stoic expression.</p><p>“Do you mind telling me why?”</p><p>“Yes”, Gun answers, leaving the middle-aged lady express a disappointed look on her face, but something in her eyes seem as if she felt truly sorry for the boy.</p><p>She’s been handling their year since they were freshmen, and she always noticed how troubled Gun was, and how different he was from the rest. But no amount of concern she expressed to him had worked out as she expected. The boy would always stir around for trouble, and despite his stubborn nature, she knew that it was rooted from a very painful past, which explains the boy’s stoic nature. But despite her worries for the boy, she knows deep inside that she won’t be able to do anything if he didn’t want to be helped.</p><p>“Okay then”, she sighs deeply, “if you don’t want to be helped then I guess it’s not my place to force you into it”.</p><p>Gun didn’t need help. He convinced himself every day that being alone was his own way of surviving. He convinced himself that it was because he preferred it that way, but the truth was he just didn’t want to burden other people as much as possible.</p><p>But was it wrong to admit that maybe he did need someone to walk with him in his troubled life?</p><p>“Can I leave now?” he blatantly says, desperate to leave the building as it felt like it’s four walls had been closing in on him, ready to eat him up as the hours went by.</p><p>The principal sighs once more, pushing her hair back and signing his papers before putting it in her drawers.</p><p>“Here’s your exit pass”, she smiled at him as she hands him a laminated card to be given to the security outside, “get home soon, it’s already dark”, she added, waving her student goodbye before sending him out for the school year.</p><p>“Thank you”, Gun softens his expressions and smiles at his principal, “have a good summer”.</p><p>“You too, kid”, her eyes widen at the sudden change of mood. But she realizes that he was a good person after all, not at all the nicest, but he kept his morals, “see you in 3 months”.</p><p>Gun smiled back softly before walking towards the dimly lit hallways.</p><p>He shivered from the atmosphere that the dark was giving. He hated the dark, and he shook just by continuing to walk through it. But he suddenly thought back to the last day of school, feeling a warm touch on his hand all over again as if it was happening once again.</p><p>He avoided contacting the boy the whole day since he didn’t want to be weird, considering the dream he recently had. But as he walked out of the school and into the dark night, he realized that it didn’t even bother him anymore. It still gave him a weird feeling, but he would trade anything in the world to see the boy again. Even after handing the card to the security guard, he felt strange walking out the gates without a sense of safety beside him as he walked.</p><p>It bothered him to a certain extent that he began tugging on the sweater he’d been wearing. Pulling on the collar and smelling the familiar scent. He completely forgot to return it to the boy. But he didn’t feel bad since it was the only thing that kept him company the past few days.</p><p>He spent his whole day pondering about the boy that it bothered him so much.</p><p>Gun walked the streets alone, asking himself why it felt so weird since he’d only been walking with Off recently. But he's gotten so used to the boy that every time he crossed the streets or walked by a crowd of people, he’d be waiting for a hand to grip on his wrist lightly as they continued to walk. But the entire walk home left him feeling so empty since there was no hand to guide him through the night.</p><p>The emptiness he was beginning to feel made him feel so uncomfortable that he had to stop for a while, pausing beside a lamp post to recollect his thoughts.</p><p>He hated thinking about Off, it consumed him too much that it bothered him. It bothered him to a certain point that he didn’t even enjoy reading the notes he randomly found on his doorstep the past few days. He was too preoccupied trying not to think about the boy that the letters began to feel empty.</p><p>The more he thought about it, the more he understood why he subconscious had the audacity to stir up a dream like that. Because whether he liked it or not, <em>he missed Off.</em></p><p>“No I don’t!”</p><p>“You don’t what?”</p><p>A voice appeared behind him all of a sudden whilst he was in the middle of his messy thoughts, yelling to himself due to the pressure. He turned around almost excitedly, hoping it was the person he expected. However, as he turned around to look at the person’s face, he wasn’t as he expected.</p><p>“Tay”, he breathed, slightly disappointed, but he wasn’t too upset considering the fact that he hasn’t seen him in a few days. He wondered how the boy got to that part of town since he lived at the other side of it which was more than an hour away. Knowing just how stubborn his best friend was, he figured he went there on purpose to look for him. There was no other explanation for it. The boy probably missed him.</p><p>“You fucker”, the older boy leaned in to hug Gun, suffocating him in a tight embrace, “haven’t you been checking your phone? We’ve been contacting you for days!”</p><p>“Not really”, Gun blankly replies as Tay continues to lock him in a crushing embrace.</p><p>On that note, Tay snatches Gun’s phone from his pocket without his approval, making him slightly yell at him for being too nosy. The older boy opens his phone, sighing when he manages to unlock his phone, aware of his best friend’s habit of not charging his phone.</p><p> Gun’s eyes widen after seeing the amount of messages and calls he’s received that he didn’t even bother to check.</p><p>
  <strong> <em>27 missed calls from Jane</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>21 missed calls from New</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>23 missed calls from Mond</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>11 missed calls from Tay</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>15 missed calls from Chimon</em> </strong>
</p><p>“What the fuck?” Gun whispered to himself when his eyes shifted down to the messages he’d been receiving since three days ago.</p><p>
  <strong> <em>378 unread messages</em> </strong>
</p><p>He had turned off his phone since a few days ago, making him unaware of all that he received, he only charged it for the sake of not draining the battery completely this morning, but it has been 4 days since he last turned it on.</p><p>“I haven’t turned it on until now”, he replies, pushing back the phone in his pockets as he began to walk again, leaving Tay behind, leaving him dumbfounded at how easy it is for the boy to walk away from him after he’s exerted so much effort just to see him. Sneaking past his parents and quietly shutting the gate as they wanted him to stay in his room and study before he gets sent to training in the next few months.</p><p>It was slowly beginning to tick off Tay the more that Gun pushed them away. He was aware of what he’d been going through. He just hoped that Gun would also realize that his friends need him too as much as he does.</p><p>Gun didn’t want to be a bitch, but he just didn’t feel like talking to people at the moment. He wanted to be alone if he wasn’t going to feel the type of company he craved for, but the loud thud of  footsteps which resonated from behind him on the empty streets told him otherwise.</p><p>“Are you not going to answer them?” Tay said, an unusual serious tone in his voice while catching up with the boy’s swift pace.</p><p>“Just tell them I’m okay”, Gun replies quickly, “if they really cared they would take time to see me, but I haven’t seen anyone since a week ago”.</p><p>“That’s because you’ve been avoiding us”</p><p>The truth was he wasn’t. He just stopped making an effort in pretending that the amount of obligation he had regarding his friends wasn’t suffocating. He cared about them, and still wanted to be with them, but socializing felt more like an obligation these days rather than a hobby. Alongside the fact that he had a lot to deal with; he didn’t want them to suffocate with them, which is why he distanced himself from them.</p><p>“What’s up with you?” Tay asked again, “Tell me”.</p><p>“Nothing”, Gun forced a smile, “I’m fine”.</p><p>“I know your situation with your family, there’s no point in denying”</p><p>“Then why the fuck are you still asking?”</p><p>“Gun”, Tay whispered, bowing his head down when he realized that it was a sensitive topic for the boy to talk about.</p><p>“It’s not just that”, Gun replied, giving in a little bit after a moment of silence, “But I just can’t wait to cut loose from them completely”.</p><p>“I won’t blame you. I hope you’re aware that we all have it rough. You’re just lucky that you had a shot at freedom unlike the rest of us”.</p><p>Gun sighed, refusing to talk about his family. They were in fact the main source of all his problems, he was indeed lucky enough to cut loose from them at least a little bit.</p><p>“What are you saying?”</p><p>“That you’re not the only one who has problems”, Tay spat, “I hate to say this but it’s pissing me off at how you’ve been acting lately”.</p><p>The shorter boy decided not to say anything, he was telling the truth and he understood him completely.</p><p>“I just don’t want to bother you”</p><p>“Gun, we’re your best friends”, Tay paused for a while, breathing in the cold air as they walked in the dark night, “It’s normal for us to be there for each other when the other is struggling”.</p><p>He wanted to tell them, but the more that he thought about it, the more difficult it sounded. So he just resulted in keeping it to himself.</p><p>“I’m not saying this only for your sake”, the taller boy paused again, rethinking whether he should open up to Gun about it or if it’s better to keep quiet regarding the boy’s current situation.</p><p>“I heard that New refused”, Gun spoke up, continuing to avoid Tay’s gaze the more that they talked about the one topic they hated talking about the most. He shivered at the slight mention of it. But it was the reality they had to live with.</p><p>He completely forgot about it, but he realized that enlistment season was nearing. It was a time in their lives where young men and women were being prepped by their parents for military recruitment. Almost all of their classmates were talking about it as if it was going to make their dreams come true. He didn’t even understand how people would willingly enlist themselves; it was like walking towards their own deaths. But then again, he understood how most children were brainwashed by their families’ propaganda, convincing children that it’s how people earn respect and honor. He stopped thinking about it ever since he ran away from his family. He hoped that they’d forget about it soon. But the more he ran away from it, the more it burdened him.</p><p>However, it was different for them; they had to be trained at an early age due to their parents’ expectations for them to go along with the on-going line of military leaders. It didn’t make sense at all, but Gun and most of his friends’ families came from a long line of people who fought for their country, and now they want them to do the same.</p><p>It was part of the reason why they all met in the first place. They’ve been going through that since they were kids, and yet they were only seeing the ugly truth of it now that they were nearing that season.</p><p>“Yeah”, he replied with a sigh after staring at Gun, wondering how he knew that despite being so quiet, “his dad isn’t taking it well”.</p><p>“What about New?”</p><p>“Not really. They aren’t really on speaking terms since two days ago”</p><p>Gun kept quiet. Their families’ lust for honor was obviously blinding them to the point that they had to bear with it. It's not that he didn't care about New, but he just wanted to take his time before he could think of doing anything as matters like this usually took time.</p><p>“What about you?” Gun asked.</p><p>“What about me?”</p><p>“You could’ve refused too”</p><p>Tay sighed, glancing at Gun, scoffing lightly at his absurd suggestion.</p><p>“Jane and I start formal training in a couple months”, he whispered, “That’s part of the reason why we want to spend as much time with you”, he continued, slumping his shoulders as if symbolizing the heaviness of the burden he had to carry, “and yet you keep pushing us away”.</p><p>Gun didn’t even flinch at his statement. It was true. But it wasn’t his fault that he was constantly feeling even more drained day by day.</p><p>“Is that what you really want though?”</p><p>“Of course not”</p><p>“Then why let your parents put you in the military if--”</p><p>“Gun, not everyone could just run away from their family and their fucking responsibility”, Tay retorted, slightly fed up with Gun’s ignorance.</p><p>Gun wanted to fight back, but he knew that his best friend’s anger was coming from a place that his family forced onto him.</p><p>“You do understand that our families care more about their reputation rather than their own children’s welfare right?” Tay whispered, his tone defeated and heavy, “we can’t really say no to them, especially Jane”.</p><p>Gun was aware of their current situations. Despite him and his family not being on speaking terms anymore, he knew that they were still waiting for his answer. He wasn’t sure of his future, but he definitely didn’t want to spend it with the burden of his family’s expectations. Jane had it worse, her dreams were far from what her family was putting her through, and she absolutely hated it. But the manipulation she has to put herself into everyday just to comply with their wishes was what differed her from the rest of them. It was hard enough to go through it hesitantly, but Jane has to force herself to be happy with it even if it was far from what she actually wanted.</p><p>“We all had to start young”</p><p>“Yeah, and she literally has no escape this time. Her dad is practically just getting her to walk the plank willingly.”</p><p>He gave Tay a sad look, noticing how heavy his breaths were and how the cold night air was looming over them. Gun clutched his arms around himself, letting the sweater that wrapped around his cold body embrace him with it warmth, along with the homely scent of it.</p><p>“Why do you think we have to live with this?” Gun sighed, “I don’t want them controlling me as much as possible”.</p><p>Tay turned his head towards Gun. It was the sad reality that they had to live with. They had to take on the burden of fulfilling their family’s dreams for them, without them considering what they actually wanted. It was like they were just born to walk the footsteps of the generations before them.</p><p> He looked down to shift his eyes over the sweater that Gun was wearing, his eyes widen, but his face lightened up, stretching into a slight smile.</p><p>“At least you’ve got someone to walk a miserable life with”, Gun’s eyes shift to Tay, who still had a sweet smile on his face. He only realized what he was talking about when he saw Tay’s eyes shift over the embroidered name on the hem of his sweater.</p><p>“<em>Jumpol</em>”</p><p>“He sewed that himself, did you know?”, Tay rubbed his fingers against the embroidery.</p><p>“And why did I have to know that?” the shorter boy rolled his eyes, but honestly, he found it cute. The letters were sewn in big broad letters with different colors in neon shades. It looked ridiculous compared to the dark color of the sweater, but considering that Off has had it since literally the beginning of time, he figured he'd done it at an earlier age. It surprised him that Off was able to show a cuter side than what he already showcases. But he still wondered why Off gave it to him willingly when he's had it for years. He never saw him lend it to anyone before, not even Tay. He noticed how over protective he was of it. He remembered one time when Off nearly yelled at someone for making it fall from his chair, it was the first time he acted like that, and he figured that it was one of his most-prized possessions, but here he was, wearing it for almost a week now. it warmed not only his body but also his cold soul.</p><p>Gun looked away, avoiding his gaze to hide his embarrassment. He completely forgot about the label on it when he grabbed it this morning. He should really be returning it to Off by now, but it was his only foundation of comfort these days. Clinging onto it gave him a sense of sanity for some reason.</p><p>“If we’re honestly speaking”, Tay began talking again, his voice accompanied with the light sounds of their overused sneakers hitting the ground, along with the harsh noise the stick that Gun was holding made when he dragged it against the floor while they walked. “You should be the one walking beside him, and not the other way around”, Tay continued, earning a questioning look from Gun.</p><p>“What do you mean?” he was still avoiding Tay’s gaze, as if trying to prove him otherwise.</p><p>“You can keep on denying. But I know that he’s been hanging around you recently”, Gun looked away once more from Tay’s statement. But it was useless since he knew what Off was up to anyway, “He’s not the type to randomly disappear on me. I assumed you two were together since you both kept disappearing lately”.</p><p>“That doesn’t say much”, Gun mumbles, his face red from the mention of the boy, “it’s not like he has a lot of friends anyway”.</p><p>“So you’re sorry for him?”</p><p>“No, why would I be?”</p><p>“You’re spending time with him because you feel sorry that he doesn’t have a lot of friends”</p><p>“No”, Gun trailed off, “it’s not that I care.. He just keeps on popping up every now and then. That’s all”.</p><p>He lied. But at the same time, he didn’t. It was true that Off just kept popping up every now and then, but it wasn’t true that he didn’t care at all. The amount of times the boy had appeared in his mind would explain that pretty well. And he hated the fact that Off would just suddenly appear, but what he hated most was wondering where the hell he is whenever he doesn’t</p><p>“Okay then, you don’t care about him”, Tay laughs softly, “But I think I have to let you know that he cares about you a lot”.</p><p>It wasn’t a surprise anymore; but Gun was still doubting it. He found it hard to believe that Off genuinely cared about him. He said that he just felt sorry for Off, but maybe it was the other way around. Maybe Off just kept hanging around him because he felt sorry for Gun.</p><p>“I doubt that”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>Gun continued to walk, but didn’t seem to notice that Tay completely stopped, leaning against the bridge overlooking the town. He walked towards the boy who quietly stared at the busy town. They were far away from Gun’s apartment now, but he didn’t mind. This was a usual routine for both boys. They’d take a quick walk every once in a while when they had a lot on their minds, whether it’s to complain about school, or their controlling parents. It’s been quite a while since they did this, and it upset Tay that he couldn’t help the boy at all. He understood that Gun needed space, but he also needed someone every once in a while.</p><p>“No one in their right mind would take my side. Especially someone who I spent most of my high school life yelling at”</p><p>“Off is different”, Tay smiles, “You might not know this, but he’s never looked down on you even during those times”.</p><p>“He let you yell at him for a reason”, Tay continued, making Gun turn his head to face him.</p><p>“And what is that?”</p><p>“Because he understood you”</p><p>The shorter boy avoided Tay’s gaze, looking over to the busy town.</p><p>“What do you mean when you said I should be the one walking beside him?” Gun tried to change the subject, since Tay hasn’t answered, “you didn’t tell me yet”</p><p>Tay tried to avoid his question by fumbling with the hem of his shirt. But he figured that telling Gun about it wouldn’t be that bad. He reached over to graze his fingers over Off’s sweater that was wrapped around Gun’s tiny figure.</p><p>“He has it worse out of all of us”</p><p>Gun knew that, since he was usually the talk of the school. He was always the teacher’s pet. Probably the most prized student out of all of them. He was expected to excel in almost everything, that when he fucks up every once in a while, not only will people look down upon him, but they will also start talking. It wasn’t like it was his choice to be like that, nor was it his choice to fail whenever he does. But Gun could tell from the bruises he constantly hid from everyone that he’s forced to be held accountable to his actions.</p><p>“If you think your family life is terror then what more for a boy who’s forced to still live with his and act as if what they’re doing to him is fine?”</p><p>Tay wasn’t trying to invalidate Gun’s feelings by comparing him to someone who has it much worse. Usually he would be mad at someone for doing that, but the more that he thought about it, the more that he felt the need to be there for Off.</p><p>“I heard his dad is a general”, Gun whispers quietly, “of course he has it worse”.</p><p>“Yeah”, Tay sighs, “his mother barely even takes his side”.</p><p>He didn’t want to talk about parents ever since he was forced to run away when he finally had enough. Gun found out that day that he was being sent into training to prepare for his military duties in the future. He’d had enough of their controlling that he rushed out of the house and cried all the way to Tay’s house. His mother wasn’t happy at all after seeing him run away like that, but decided to kick him out completely if he wasn’t going to comply to their wishes. Gun felt like he lost everything at that point, but at the same time, he felt free. He was lucky enough to be supported by his dad who felt guilty for pushing him too much, but his one condition was for him to come back when he was ready. And yet he never came back. He never wanted to feel that kind of torture in that house anymore. All he wanted was to be understood instead of begin controlled all the time. He never felt his parent’s love, not even his dad’s, until he left.</p><p>He left that house looking for a home, and he still hasn’t found one yet.</p><p>He knew how lonely it probably was for Off to be living with people who barely even cared. His chest tightened as if telling himself to be there for Off. And he really wanted to be there for him, but he didn’t know how.</p><p>“I’m fully aware of the constant beatings he has to suffer, but I don’t know how he could pull it off as if it doesn’t even bother him at all”</p><p>Gun’s heart clenched when he heard that. He felt really bad. He felt bad that he had to add insult to the injury all these years.</p><p>“I’m such an asshole”, Gun whispers. Tay looked over to his side to nod lightly, knowing what he meant.</p><p>“Well, you <em>were</em>”, Tay chuckles, “but I appreciate how you’ve been acting towards him lately. He doesn’t tell me much but he did tell me that you don’t scream at him like a fucking ape anymore”, he continues to laugh even after Gun tried to hit him on the shoulder.</p><p>Gun stops talking for a while, continuing to look down on the ground to watch his feet hover over the edge of the bridge. He finds himself shifting towards the ledge, looking over at the city beneath them, blinded by the flashing lights from the buildings and cars.</p><p>“I’d kill to live in some place quieter and kinder”, Tay sighs, “this city doesn’t feel like home at all”.</p><p>“I’d kill to find a home”, Gun whispers almost inaudibly, but it was enough for Tay to catch it. He walks away from the bridge to continue to walk before Tay could ask what he meant.</p><p>“Slow down, imp”, Tay catches up to Gun who was walking extremely fast.</p><p>“Fuck you”, Gun merely scoffs at Tay before he could wrap his arm around the shorter boy’s shoulder.</p><p>It was quiet for a while. They decided to continue walking the unfamiliar path in the suburbs, with Tay’s arm still around Gun’s shoulders. The silence was enough to comfort them despite all the talking they’ve done since hours ago.</p><p>“I know what you meant by the way”, the older boy begins after they’ve shared a moment of silence for a while, “But I know for a fact that Off sees you as home”.</p><p>Gun widens his eyes to stare at Tay. He knew that it was a joke. But in all honesty, he was kind of hoping that it was true. Of course, he found it completely absurd that he just shook his head right afterwards but he couldn’t deny the slight thump in his chest when he heard that.</p><p>“Stop making it look like he has a crush on me, you’re disgusting”</p><p>“What if he actually does?” Tay laughs, joking with his friend as it has been a very long time since they did that, “What if he’s secretly and hopelessly in love with you?”</p><p>“Oh like you are with New?”</p><p>Tay stops laughing all of a sudden, looking over at Gun’s joking demeanour before teasingly punching him on the shoulder.</p><p>“Hey!” He exclaimed, “No…it’s not like that!”</p><p>“I’m just going to pretend that I don’t see those midnight tweets of yours every once in a while as if you’re the fucking Romeo Montague of 2012”.</p><p>“Don’t tell him about that”, Tay looks away in shame, his turn to feel embarrassed for once, “And it’s not like I like him!”</p><p>“I’m sure one of you does”, Gun trails off, “I know New does”.</p><p>“Wait”, the taller boy walked in front of Gun, stopping him in his tracks, “What did you say?” he pried the boy for answers, but he just kept walking as he teasingly stuck out his tongue at him.</p><p>“If you’re that curious, then you must really like him then”</p><p>“Gun, how many times do I have to tell you that I don’t”</p><p>“Oh come on, denying it won’t erase the fact that his pictures are the only ones you post on you private facebook account”.</p><p>“Okay, you’ve gone too far. And how the hell do you know about my private account? I thought you never charged your phone”</p><p>“I check every once in a while to stalk you and your pathetic love life. Seriously, get a life”, Gun snickers, earning a light slap from Tay, which made him lunge towards him in an aggressive yet joking manner.</p><p>Both boys continued lightly hitting each other while Gun teased him with pathetic nicknames, calling him a ninny every once in a while, which only resulted in Tay pushing him away in a joking manner. It’s been a long time since they’ve bonded like that, trapping the two boys in a bubble of euphoria as they spent their time joking around and forgetting all about their obligations and responsibilities.</p><p>In fact, they were too distracted by the moment that they completely overlooked the fact that they were walking the familiar road up to their neighbourhood.</p><p>“Wait”, Gun stopped in his tracks when he realized the dimly lit street lights looked familiar. He looked up to see the familiar white house on the hill that stood beside Tay’s family house.</p><p>“Tay”, he looked over to the taller boy, ditching his joking manner that he had just moments ago, “why the fuck are we here?”</p><p>Tay froze, his feet stuck on the ground in front of their family gate. He was about to respond when all of a sudden he sees a familiar figure walking from the front door, all the way to just the front of the gate, where they were standing. He grabbed hold of Gun’s wrist, pulling him to the side, hiding behind the willow tree opposite the house.</p><p>“I’m sorry”, Tay whispers lightly, “But I wanted to tell you about this”. Tay gestured to the scene right in front of them. He gasped quietly as he saw his younger cousin being dragged outside of the house by his mother, alongside his father who tightly gripped the base of his belt, snapping it in front of Chimon.</p><p>“What did we tell you?” Gun heard their disgusting voices from the back of the tree as he hid behind the trunk. Their voices were muffled and he couldn't hear much from his uncle who kept reprimanding his son. He couldn’t see properly due to the length of the leaves, but he figured he didn’t want to see the rest of it when he heard the belt hitting the poor boy. The lack of noise from the boy made Gun’s whole body shiver, his eyes feeling a sudden heat from the scene he’d witnessed. He used to be in that position, but now that Chimon was the only one in the house, they probably passed on the burden to him. He didn’t understand why they had to discipline them that way, but he figured it was just how their parents grew up with, and to prepare them for what they were being forced into.</p><p>He heard another whip, he shook just from the sound of it, making Tay grip on his shoulders so he wouldn’t fall.</p><p>“Do you want to be like your cousin? God knows what he’s doing right now, or where he is. Do you want to end up like him?”</p><p>He was taken aback by the sudden mention of him. His dad didn’t tell his family of his whereabouts, and the fact that he was still supporting him. He told Gun that it was for the best, since he didn’t want them to bother Gun anymore. But a part of him felt like he was just ashamed. He can’t bear with the fact that his first and only born son won’t be like him nor bring honour to their family name when he steps down from his position in the future.</p><p>The whipping continues, and yet no sound could be heard from Chimon still. They were taught from a very young age that defending yourself is rude, that you’d have to endure the suffering they put you through without complaint.</p><p>
  <em>That’s what a real man does.</em>
</p><p>“Stop being a baby”, the voice roars from the other side, “you’re joining whether you like it or not”.</p><p>“Gun may have had it easy, but we’re not letting you go just like that”</p><p>He’s had enough of it. Not because of the mentions of him, but he didn’t want his cousin to suffer the way he did. But he figured that if he came back, it’ll be harder for Chimon, maybe even more difficult than he was experiencing now. He had no idea about what the boy was going through, he never told him. He’d usually just enlighten Gun about the fun he’s had in school whenever they would call. He had no idea it was getting this bad. They’ve never been that harsh on him before, even after Gun left. But part of him thinks they were seeing Chimon as Gun’s replacement, and that was enough to make his tears fall from his eyes.</p><p>“Don’t be a disappointment like him. Understand?” it was the last thing he heard before it went quiet. Leaving him with Tay as he basked in his guilt, blaming himself for what just happened.</p><p>“Wait, Gun!” Tay whispered when Gun walked away to the opposite direction, turning away to leave their village.</p><p>“Leave me alone”, he retorted, ripping Tay’s hands away from him when he began pulling him back, trying to keep as quiet as possible before someone hears them.</p><p>“Gun, come on, you can’t walk all the way home in the dark, it’s dangerous”</p><p>“Watch me”, Gun’s breath hitched. The streetlights were already turned off as it was nearing midnight. It didn’t even bother him anymore; the thought of the previous events haunted him. He felt like a dick for not being there for his cousin. He felt bad for only thinking of himself, not realizing that someone else was suffering the torture he tried so hard to escape from.</p><p>“Gun, stop being stupid, you know what happened the last time”</p><p>“Tawan?” a voice resonated from Tay’s house, echoing in the empty streets. Tay stopped calling out for Gun, knowing just how worst it gets if someone else spotted him, “Tay, is that you?”</p><p>Tay froze in his spot, knowing the amount of trouble he’s put himself in at this point. He was supposed to be in his room studying, but he sneaked out trying to find Gun, knowing he had to inform him about Chimon. Tonight wasn’t the first time that Tay saw him; in fact, it was the third time he saw him in that situation the whole day.</p><p>“Fuck you”, he cursed at himself when he realized that Gun had walked into the darkness all by himself. Part of him knew it was intended for Gun since he still managed to walk away despite his warnings, but he knew just how guilty the boy felt after seeing that, which made it easier for him to walk into what he feared the most. For him, it looked like watching his best friend walk into his own death. He shivered at the thought of it, and how easy it was for him. Gun’s life wasn’t the best, and if it was easy for him to walk into his literal phobia, it wouldn’t be too hard for him to walk into the hands of father death himself.</p><p>Tay sighed once he walked away from the street, feeling a burden in his heart, that no matter what he did, he wasn’t going to be able to help the boy anymore.</p><p>He just hoped that the note in Gun’s pocket would help at least a little bit.</p><p> </p><p>Gun felt weary after walking into his apartment. His feet feeling like it was burnt off as he had walked an hour by himself from the suburbs all the way back to the heart of the wretched city. He was too numb to feel the panic attack caving in while he was walking. His lungs burned from how fast he forced himself to walk, but his mind was even more troubled from the messy thoughts inside of it.</p><p>It was almost 3 am and he found himself slumped down on his mattress, his head poking out the window as it hung against the ledge. He was too emotionally tired to even be depressed about anything right now. He was too overwhelmed to even be enjoying the moon. He completely ignored the fact that it was glowing even more than it usually did.</p><p>He was exhausted from everything. He pats the back of his pockets to hear the rustling of a piece of paper, and yet despite the comforting nature of the note he received today, he wasn’t at all excited.</p><p>The boy just wanted to take a pause from existing and come back when he felt like it. Part of him knew it was going to take a while if he did so, but he needed a break. It was all too overwhelming. The heat from the sweater wasn't bothering him despite his sweaty body, he continued to hug the oversized clothing tighter to his chest letting himself be enveloped by the heavenly scent.</p><p>
  <em>God, I need him.</em>
</p><p>He couldn’t even bring himself to lie down on his bed despite of the weariness he felt.</p><p>Gun was done. He was far from happy, and he wanted to take a break.</p><p>Yet despite the numbness he felt in his entire being, he groaned from the sudden knock on his door. Wondering who in their right mind would come to visit him in this hour. He rarely gets visitors. Most of his friends knew he didn’t like people going to his house, which is why he wondered who had the audacity to knock on his door at two in the morning.</p><p>He waited for a while, a couple minutes to be exact, before he thought of even opening the door. He decided to get up and walk over to the door after two minutes, wondering if the person who knocked was still there. Gun stood on his bare feet, pulling the sleeves of his sweater and bringing it to his nose. The only thing that kept him completely sane today was the scent from the sweater he was wearing which was yet to fade. It calmed him when random thoughts began to pop up in his head as he held the door knob.</p><p>The boy slowly turned the knob, his breath dropped as soon as he pulled the door completely to reveal the person in front of it, his hands dropping to his side with a slight pain in his chest, as his arms shiver with a calm yet sad expression in his face.</p><p> </p><p>“Gun”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>People will always come and go. So don’t lose yourself in the process of cherishing them.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>                                                                                                            - Always and Forever, Anonymous.</strong>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i might be taking a short break again but i'm not sure yet so yeah just stay tuned :3</p><p>this whole chapter is a mess, but please bear with me. i'm starting to regret the first part, but i figured that it was important to the story, and yeah as an abm student i guess i must take risks every once in a while. just not sure whether this will result in a good outcome or not, but okay i don't care, this is getting too long now cbshkfkf,s. </p><p>i just want to take this time to say that i'm sorry for the slow uploads, i just take as much time as possible to write these 'cos i want them to be perfect. i want to fully capture the story i have in my head since i don't want to disappoint my readers. i know that the grammar, word choices and structure aren't the best, but i'm trying my best, and taking time to perfect the story so please forgive me. also, i wrote a longer one just in case i start disappearing again soon since i still have finals, and since i'm already graduating, i won't have much time for myself anymore. but i'll be back i promise, and i'll still try to upload weekly.</p><p>this chapter will be answering a lot of questions that i've left from the very start so it's important to read and understand every bit of it. plus, it took me 4 days to write so yeah, i'm forcing you understand ;) i suggest that you try to listen to the piano piece too (I Giorni by Ludovico Einaudi), it's honestly one of the best pieces I've heard, not the most creative and innovative tune, since it's quite repetitive for the first few verses unlike other piano pieces but it's the simplicity of it that brings out the emotion from it :)</p><p>(to clear things up:<br/>-they're forced to enlist because the ppl in their families are former soldiers and most of them were generals that's why they want their children to follow their footsteps. *trust me a lot of ppl are like that idk why*<br/>-tay isn't mad at gun he's just pissed at gun's behavior because he knows for a fact that he has it worsebut that doesn't lessen the amount he has for him. they're both just pressured.<br/>-chimon is forced to take gun's spot and be the hope of the family because he's the only male descendant left in the fam) i will be clearing up their stories and backstories in the next few chaps but that's it for now.</p><p>update (4-16-21): hi i didn't want to publish a new chapter just for this but i just wanted to tell y'all that the next chapter will take a while since i still have a lot to do, since i'm graduating next month and i need to do my best, and i'm aware that i'm not doing so well in my academics lately, so i think i'll have to focus on that for a while. i won't be abandoning this work, just so you know, it'll just take longer to write since i'll have to do it in schedules, but i'll try to update this au as soon as possible.</p><p>i love you all :*</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. thirteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>13</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>2012; SUMMER BREAK</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>“Why did you hate me so much?”</p><p>His words hurt Gun the moment he heard them slip out from his lips. He had to take a minute to find an answer, because the truth was, he never did.</p><p>He knew that deep inside, he always mistook his feelings for hatred, but now that he had time to understand it more, the more that he realized that it was something else. He could never hate the pure soul sitting right beside during this dire time of sorrow. Gun’s immature nature and childish hatred towards faded the moment he realized that he was the only one he could ever be real with. He was the only who he was comfortable with during this continuous dose of melancholy.</p><p>They were both sat in front of the window again, just like they always did whenever they talked, but this time, they had completely a different feeling. Neither knew what it was exactly, but they enjoyed it, knowing it was brought by each other and no other.</p><p>Off was the least that Gun had expected to come over to his house, but there he was at 3 a.m, once again basking in each other’s presence as they both soaked in their problems all at once.</p><p>When Gun opened the door to reveal the boy in front of him, his mind was all over the place.</p><p>He was mad at him for not speaking to him, but he couldn’t help but stare at the boy. But deep inside he knew that it was a feeling far from anger. As stupid as it sounds, it felt as if all his problems just washed away the moment he laid eyes on the perfect boy, and yet the burden they both accumulated over the past few days were making him feel otherwise; an overwhelming feeling of joy and sadness crashing upon them the moment they saw each other. They stared at each other, not knowing what to say. Off looked tired, and Gun was too, and it wasn’t that they didn’t have anything to say to each other, in fact, it was the exact opposite. They had a lot to say, but they didn’t know how to put them into words. The previous days were too overwhelming for both of them that the moment they saw each other, they felt like reaching a breaking point.</p><p>Off had been completely silent for nearly a week, not even giving anyone a sign if he was still alive. But as much as Gun was, he was also a wreck, not knowing where else to go but the boy who completely changed his point of view in life.</p><p>No one knew what he’s been up to, not even Tay. The shorter boy shook his head, and part of him found it unbelievable to see the boy standing in front of him again, but he couldn’t entirely deny the fact that he was glad to see him, and Off would be lying if he said he didn’t regret not smothering Gun in an embrace the moment he laid eyes on him when he opened the door to find the slumped figure gripping the door knob in front of him in a poor posture; his hair messy, and clothes wrinkled. He didn’t look like himself at all. His eyes looked tired, and it looked as if he’d been chasing a herd along the fields. Yet all Gun could do was stare at the taller boy, finally feeling a wave of peacefulness crash into his entire being for what felt like the first time in a very long time.</p><p>His heart sank at the sight of Off, he didn’t look like himself either, he looked equally as bad as he did,  and he didn’t know what to say to him since he didn’t know what the boy had gone through all those days without him, but he looked like a wreck. He had the same slumped posture, and right away, Gun knew he was carrying the same heavy burden he was. He wasn’t sure what it was exactly, but he knew he just wanted to give Off the happiness he deserved.</p><p>But how could he offer something that he himself didn’t know how to acquire on his own?</p><p>Gun was tired, in a much more different way. He felt overwhelmingly exhausted that he felt like crashing down at any moment, but he couldn’t show Off just yet.</p><p>They stared at each other with a looming silence, one that was awkward, but at the same time it wasn’t… in a way. Both boys just found it extremely comforting staring at each other like it wasn’t weird at all. They focused on each other too much that they didn’t even have the time to think about it being strange. Everything was a blur, but at that exact moment, Off had forgotten about everything that led him to Gun in the first place.</p><p>He was happy to see the boy to say the least. He forgot about everything else when his tired eyes met the boy’s glowing ones.</p><p>The feeling of staring at each other was strangely refreshing that both boys didn’t even have the time to question their feelings. It all came in a hurl, crashing onto them like a wave without further notice. A feeling which they would usually deny at first,  but all they knew was they felt like they were in their own little world whenever they felt it, they didn’t need to face other people, nor did they have to deny anything. It was just the both of them and it was all they needed.</p><p>Gun stared at the boy for a few more seconds, feeling his chest tighten from not seeing him for almost a week. His eyes were glossy, his mind was racing and he couldn’t manage to keep it from Off since the boy responded to his expression with a sad smile on his face. He still had a heavy burden inside his heart, which is why the sight of him was enough to come along breaking down the walls he once again built around himself.</p><p>“You have quite the nerve”, the shorter boy breathed out, gripping on the knob of his front door, with his sweaty and bloody hands from picking on his fingernails too much. It wasn’t until he saw the boy again when he realized how annoying it was that he’d just left him hanging for a whole week, and he didn’t understand why he was feeling that way. But Off’s soft expression was always enough to melt through Gun’s cold exterior. He wasn’t in the mood at all, but he couldn’t help but feel comfort in Off’s gaze. After a whole day, the boy’s eyes had calmed him down.</p><p>“I could say the same to you”, Off smiled sweetly, opposite to his bitter demeanor; looking down at Gun’s body and feeling a smile creep onto his face when he saw the dark fabric wrapped around the shorter boy. He reached out his hand to tug lightly on the fabric around his arms. Gun was taken aback, stepping a little backwards when he felt Off’ touch on his arms. He realized that the amount of concern he had for the boy was enough to make him forget that he was mad at him. He took in a deep breath when Off was slightly brushing his hands down to his palms. He missed the boy a lot. They both realized that no matter how short their time together was as of that moment, they were already used to each other, still looking for the other as if they’ve been gone for a longer time.</p><p>It made Gun shiver when he thought of doing what he did next. He couldn’t think anymore, his breaths uneven and his mind was a rush when he leaned slowly towards Off.</p><p>Off was too overwhelmed with everything that a soft smile crept onto his face. He felt the soft fabric against his fingers, ready to tease him about his sweater when Gun’s arms immediately rushed to his neck, wrapping them around him as he brought his body closer to Off.</p><p>The taller boy let out a surprised gasp the moment that Gun completely smothered him in an embrace. He held him tight while he slightly tiptoed to reach to the boy’s body further.</p><p>They didn’t know what they were doing, but they both felt like it was right. No one moved at first, as they both had to take in the moment before realizing just how comfortable the situation was. Their bodies being pressed together was enough to send them to a place far from the hurtful world, like they were teleported to a completely different world wherein bullshit didn’t exist, which is why Off didn’t do anything else but absorb the boy’s energy and feel everything crashing through him as well. The abundance of sleepless nights, stressful overthinking and tireless pressure in both their lives were too much for them that the feeling of their arms around each other broke down the walls they built the past few days just to survive.</p><p>Gun was too overwhelmed that he was shaking, tightening his arms around Off as he let everything go. It was a difficult week that Off couldn’t help but push his nose against Gun’s head, surprised by the warm liquid streaming down his face as he smelled the scent Gun’s hair which had the scent of the ocean. Off had a tough week that he didn’t think of going to Gun since he didn’t want to bother him with his problems. But he realized that maybe he needed the boy as well, which probably explained why he found himself in front of Gun’s door at 2 a.m in the morning, keeping him in his arms as they both enjoyed the silence that loomed upon them. He’d be lying if he said that the thought of Gun wasn’t what kept him going the past few days, even if he was unable to see him at all. Gun brought his hand up to the boy’s cheek, wiping his tears with his fingers as they let everything go. He knew what it felt like to cry alone with no one there to wipe his tears; and he was glad that he was there to wipe the Off’s at that moment. It was the first time he saw Off cry, but he won’t blame him for bursting out into tears all of a sudden.  </p><p>He brought his arms up to wrap them around Gun’s small waist, gently caressing his sides when he felt Gun’s breaths get quicker against his neck. He quickly realized that he wasn’t the only one who had it rough when he felt the tears drip down his neck, and down his chest, staining his oversized pull-over with Gun’s tears.</p><p>He continued to rub the boy’s head as he felt his own heart burst with tears.</p><p>No words were spoken as the two boys basked in each other’s warmth as they gripped each other tightly, protecting the other from the rest of the world’s bullshit, letting themselves release the vulnerability they both had to hide from the world.</p><p>Everything else felt less heavy when it was just the two of them. It was a feeling they wanted to have more often, which is why they took their time to appreciate it, not caring about anything else than themselves.</p><p>“I used to”, Gun answered, now looking out the window to watch the few droplets of summer rain as they stared at the foggy sky. His chest tightened as he tried to find an excuse to his pettiness. He felt bad for misunderstanding Off too much, and there he was, sitting beside him, still feeling the overwhelming warmth around him. Off would continuously tell him to forget about it but he still felt guilty, knowing how broken he was as well, maybe even more broken than Gun.</p><p>When Off broke the hug, but Gun craved more, wanting to tackle him down once again, but he didn’t say anything anymore. He thought Off was just getting too suffocated, but in reality, Off thought that he had to let go because he knew he wouldn’t be able to if he held him a little longer.</p><p>“What made you change your mind?”, Off whispered. He had his hands wrapped around Gun’s as he fumbled with Gun’s fingertips, gently brushing a cotton swab onto it to clean off the excess blood from his nail beds and ruptured cuticles, “I thought you’d be living up to that lifelong oath you used to tell everyone”.</p><p>“Oh, that”, Gun slightly chuckled, he remembered the first time he met Off. The boy didn’t talk to anyone in class from the beginning and it was starting to get on his nerves for some reason. It was stupid but he was jealous of Off. He envied the boy’s carefree nature and the fact that he didn’t need to be surrounded by people just to survive. It was immature, but he was intimidated by how independent he was, “Well, you were the one who turned me down the first time we met”.</p><p>“Of course, ‘cause I knew that you hated being turned down”, Off smirked a bit.</p><p>“So your plan all along was to annoy me?”</p><p>“Pretty much”</p><p>Gun rolled his eyes, moving his body to face it towards Off.</p><p>“I observed how petty you were to other people, so I thought I wanted to show you what everyone else can’t”, Off chuckled.</p><p>“Yeah, and you had the nerve to shut me down during History class”, Gun spat, pouting a bit and it made Off laugh at how cute he was acting despite them talking about his shitty nature before. They both chuckled at the memory; some even called it the legendary duel, pun intended, considering that they were literally learning about a topic similar to their situation. It was a typical History period until Gun thought of disagreeing with Off when he raised his hand, expressing his opinion about the Burr-Hamilton duel. He’d been stopped by Mond who pulled him by the collar, reprimanding him since he didn’t know jackshit about history, but he didn’t want to admit to anyone that he spent most of his nights binging documentaries on his tiny T.V and reading various novels about Alexander Hamilton when he couldn’t sleep.</p><p>He didn’t want to recall more about it since he hated remembering the past, but he felt bad for being a dick to the boy.</p><p>“You were the only brave soul to challenge me in my forte”, Off chuckled, still running his fingertips along Gun’s. If this happened a few months ago, Gun probably wouldn’t let Off do this to him, but he enjoyed the electric feeling of his fingertips brushing along his that it scared him a bit.</p><p>“And so were you”, Gun smiled, “I’m sorry”.</p><p>“That was a long time ago”, Off hushed Gun a bit, afraid that if he didn’t, the shorter boy would continue on until he blamed himself again, “Besides, I like you the way you are now”.</p><p>Gun blushed a bit, turning away from Off when he felt his cheeks heat up. The taller boy noticed him, making him laugh sweetly, staring at Gun’s shy expression. He was amused at how much he acted like a normal person these days, and to be honest, Off liked it that way. He felt as if it was a huge achievement. As if he melted his way through the cold boy’s frozen-solid exterior. It was as if the old Gun had crawled into the depths of the earth and had been replaced by a newer and more tolerable one.</p><p>“I didn’t know you were capable of being a normal highschool kid”</p><p>“Shut up”, Gun retorted, slapping Off’s hands a bit, fixing himself before he sat up straight on the bed and faced Off once more.</p><p>Gun hated talking about the past. It was something he would rather forget since he didn’t know what he did most of the time. He would just act on impulse, without even a slight hint of remorse whenever he did something bad. He thought it was the persona he had to adapt if he wanted to survive, he didn’t know it could be tiring as hell. It drove him mad, thinking that Off wasn’t even the slightest bit hesitant to forgive him even after their long term rivalry. He was too nice for his own good, it made Gun feel even worst.</p><p>“Remember the first time we went to the mall that Tay’s family owned?” Off recalled, remembering the time that their fights became even pettier. Gun had absolutely no reason to hate on Off, and he was sick of it himself, thinking of all the years that he felt so insecure over the boy, that he decided he wanted to try to make his life miserable in hopes of feeling better himself.</p><p>“God, of course I do”, Gun replied turning away to avoid Off’s gaze, “I hated that day”.</p><p>“I still have the scar from the time you pushed me against the fence”, Off whispered.</p><p>“Show me”, his breath hitched when he asked Off, but he really wanted to see it. He wanted to find out just how much damage he did to the boy. He wanted to find out how he could repay him after all these years. Gun wanted Off to know that when he said sorry, he really meant ti, and he wanted to make up for it.</p><p>“No”, Off retorted, pushing Gun back into his original place before he crawled a bit to lean towards Off, trying to see where the scar had formed. He was lifting his shirt a bit, which startled Off by the sudden action. It took him a while to grant the boy access since he’d been pushing around Off for what felt like decades.</p><p>“Just show me”, Gun insisted, pouting his lips and widening his eyes. Off chuckled at him, he had no idea he could act so cute after literally acting like the child of war for so many years. Off had to turn away a bit, avoiding Gun’s gaze before he couldn’t resist anymore.</p><p>“Okay, fine, I’m showing you”, he sighed in defeat, “But only on one condition”, he paused once again, turning back to Gun to meet his eyes.</p><p>“I’ll do anything just show me”</p><p>They were arguing about another stupid topic that time that when Off threw an insecure comment about Gun, he couldn’t control himself from shoving him over the wire fence that separated the parking lot and outdoor food court. Gun ran away right after he pushed Off, and all Off could do was stare at the boy as he ran away. He was surprised at how strong the boy was, he didn’t even notice the stinging pain rushing down his spine. The injury wasn’t that bad. He didn’t have to stay in the hospital for weeks to undergo surgery, but they did have to stitch it up a little bit to prevent it from opening.</p><p>“Okay”, he trailed off, pausing a bit, “I want you to not say anything”, Off whispered, silent enough for only the both of them to hear.</p><p>“Why? What do you mean?”</p><p>“I don’t want you to blame yourself”, He whispered once again, still looking at Gun to reassure him, “I’m afraid that if you see, you’ll continue to blame yourself for it, and you know how much I hate that”.</p><p>They were silent for a while, as Gun didn't know what to do since he wasn't sure how he'd react anyway.</p><p>"Promise me", Off said once more.</p><p>Gun avoided his gaze. He couldn’t promise Off that he wouldn’t, but even if he knew that it was inevitable, he still nodded, giving him a smile as if reassuring him.</p><p>Off lifted up his shirt a bit, turning his back against Gun as he breathed deeply, scared of Gun’s reaction. He immediately regretted it the moment that he felt Gun’s shaking fingers run along his spine; he shivered at the feeling, not knowing what to do when he heard Gun gasp. His fingers were cold; wounded and ice cold. He felt the wetness of Gun’s fingers as it ran down his spine, driving him insane with his freezing touch. Gun, on the other hand was too speechless to even elicit a faint reaction. He felt like such a shitty person, and all the wrong he'd done to the boy just came sinking in the more that he stared at the already fading, yet still visibly healing scar on his back. He knew he was glad that he didn't give Off an audible answer when he made him promise, since how he acted now was definitely not in line with the answer he intended to show.</p><p>Off instantly turned back around when he felt Gun’s hands shaking too much.</p><p>“Gun, what did we agree on?” Off brought his fingers to Gun’s chin, lifting his head which was bowed down, his eyes avoiding Off, obviously feeling guilty.</p><p>“Why didn’t you tell me?”</p><p>“For this exact reason”</p><p>“Why didn’t you tell me that they had to stitch it”, Gun looked down, “It’s not that I would have felt bad”. He lied, of course he would; he just wouldn’t show it. But he ultimately gave himself away when he felt another wave of heat at the back of his eyes when he saw the jagged marks that the stitches made on the boy’s back. He concluded that he was the worst possible human being to have ever lived, but he didn’t show Off, he said he wouldn’t think that way, but he just couldn’t help it at all.</p><p>“Exactly”, Off replied, “But I didn’t want to make the situation worse by rubbing it in your face”</p><p>Gun looked away, breathing deeply as he felt heaviness in his chest.</p><p>“Hey”, Off smiled, trying to comfort Gun by holding brushing his hand against his a bit, “You promised you weren’t going to blame yourself”.</p><p>“If you hadn’t brought up my family, it wouldn’t have happened“, Gun whispered. Off was taken aback, avoiding his gaze as well, but his hands remained beside Gun’s.</p><p>He took Off’s comments about him pretty well, but when he decided to drag his family into it, he snapped.</p><p><em>“Your family was never the problem, it’s always been you”, </em>Gun recalled. But what hurt the most was the fact that he agreed with what Off said.</p><p>That was the first of many overthinking sessions.</p><p><em>“Maybe he’s right.. maybe it was me all along”,</em> Gun would whisper to himself ever since, but part of him didn’t want to blame Off for it, he knew that it was true anyway.</p><p>“I didn’t mean it”, Off whispered, realizing the impact of his anger that night, “You’re not the problem”.</p><p>“It’s fine. That was years ago, and we should probably blame Tay for having us stay in one area”, Gun smiled, earning a chuckle from Off before he continued, “But that was probably the day I told myself that I was right about you all along. I swore to hate you all my life for knowing everything that you had to rub it in my face”.</p><p>“That’s understandable”, Off looked down at Gun, wrapping his fingers with band aids, trying to continue where he left off earlier, “I was probably the reason why you thought poorly of yourself all these years”.</p><p>“No, not really”, he replied, “But you really were a piece of shit. If you hadn’t been so accommodating I would have considered hating you until I die”.</p><p>“But you still do?”</p><p>Gun nodded sarcastically, rolling his eyes as if the answer wasn’t obvious anymore.</p><p>“Oh”, Off breathed, “I thought the reason that you kept bringing my sweater to your nose and the way you hugged me earlier was because you were hopelessly in love with me”, he responded, earning a slight push from Gun, whacking him with his pillow. Off went along with it, letting himself be pushed down by Gun’s slight push.</p><p>He felt his body crash onto the mattress, letting himself succumb into the soft sheets. His body was too tired to sit back up, which is why he spread his arms on his side. Gun watched him as he lied down on his bed, not even bothered the slightest bit when he threw his head back to lay beside Off, turning his head to look outside the window.</p><p>“I could say the same for you”, Gun turned his head towards Off, meeting his glossy eyes, “You wouldn’t be here at 3 a.m in the morning if you weren’t the one who was in love with me”.</p><p>Off was taken aback by Gun’s comment. He was surprised at how cocky Gun was at the moment, feeling himself blush a slight shade of pink. One moment they were talking about the worst things about their past, and yet here they were, talking like normal highschool kids who had nothing else to think about but themselves. He thought he wasn’t that obvious since Gun didn’t notice anyway, but he felt his cheeks heat up, considering how close his face was towards him.</p><p>“Oh, so you want me to?” Off smirked, leaning closer to Gun, shifting his head onto the same pillow that Gun had his head on. Gun didn’t move, he was too busy thinking of something else to say, but he was preoccupied with the thought of Off’s lips when he shifted his eyes down his face. He breathed in a deep breath, feeling the taller boy’s warm breath against his face, smelling the familiar scent of vanilla.</p><p>“When you say it that way it seems like you’re the one who does”, Gun whispered, smirking back at Off, but the overwhelming feelings and the heaviness in his chest made it look like a soft, sweet smile instead. Off’s breath hitched as he looked deeper into the boy’s eyes, it felt like he was entering the boy’s world the more that he gazed into it.</p><p>They didn't know what they were doing, nor did they know what the fuck they were both feeling. Both boys were aware of how strange the situation was but they both felt an odd yet blissful sensation growing inside of them that none of them had felt before. The sensation was too strong, filling in the distance between both boys as they emerged themselves beneath it, basking in the comfortable yet dangerous-looking silence looming upon them.</p><p>They had no idea why they were acting this way, but something deep inside it found it normal, and it was enough for them to keep up with each other without even thinking that it was weird. Nothing felt weird if it was only the two of them.</p><p>“Gun..” Off stuttered, he was never one to stutter, but he was too lost in his thoughts that the only word he could mutter was the name of the boy who radiated the most breath-taking energy, while his eyes were captured by the prettiest smile he’s ever seen in ages.</p><p>Gun, however, was also stuck in the moment when he heard the boy elicit the most breath-taking sound.</p><p>“<em>Gun</em>”, he heard from the back of his mind, remembering the dream he had the night before. He snapped back to reality before he could lean in closer. He didn’t know why he didn’t panic when he thought about it, but maybe it was because the situation was too peaceful that he didn’t have time to think of panicking. Instead, he raised his hand to flick Off’s nose, snapping the boy from his thoughts as well, chuckling at his reaction when he scrunched his nose and rolled his eyes at him as if he was annoyed.</p><p>“You’re probably wondering why the fuck I’m here”, Off flipped onto his back, staring at the ceiling.</p><p>“Not really”, Gun replied, “You probably just missed me”, he teased, making Off chuckle.</p><p>“You’re probably right”, Off smiled, making Gun’s chest feel heavy when he tried to avoid looking at Off through his peripheral vision, “I thought you were asleep, but I just really needed to see you”.</p><p>“Why?” Gun’s breath hitched, his chest tightening at the thought that he was right all along.</p><p>Off breathed in deep, he figured it was too much of a bombshell to drop on Gun, but he didn’t want to keep him in the dark. He realized that he had to tell him anyway since he shouldn’t really be here in the first place.</p><p>“I’m sure that you’re aware that it’s enlisting season”, Off whispered, feeling the heaviness in his heart re-surface, “You probably know the rest”.</p><p>“Oh”, Gun breathed, not knowing what else to say, but he wanted to listen to what Off said.</p><p>“They’re forcing me to begin formal training next month”</p><p>“Are you going to?” Gun asked, not only because he was curious, but because he hated the thought of missing Off again. He probably wasn’t going to see him for the next few months, and it bothered him of how much it scared him.</p><p>“Of course not”, Off retorted, “It’s not what I want”.</p><p>“We both know you don’t have a choice”, Gun said sadly.</p><p>“But you managed to go against them right?”</p><p>“It’s not that easy”, Gun tried convincing Off, “I lost almost everything, and I don’t want you to go through the same thing, so whatever you’re thinking, I don’t want you to go through with it”.</p><p>He was genuinely concerned, but he wanted to be there for Off as much as possible.</p><p>“So you do care about me”, Off chuckled.</p><p>“I’m just aware of the hardships of being the son of a big-time family. Everyone else expects the same from you”, Gun whispers.</p><p>“It’s not just that”, Off started, “They don’t just expect the same, they expect more from you. Like a whole lot more”, he paused for a bit, but Gun stared at him in awe at how calm he was when he talked about the things that weighed him down, “people have a lot of expectations and they assume that it’s our job to live up to them”.</p><p>“Is that why you disappeared all of a sudden?”, Gun tried not to sound suspicious. He didn’t want to sound like he missed Off. Of course he did, but he would never blatantly admit it out of the blue. Off could only nod as a response, turning his head back to Gun.</p><p>“I’m sorry”</p><p>“It’s not like it bothers me”, Gun scoffed, but the look on his face gave away his true intentions.</p><p>“I just had a lot to do”, Off replied, “I eventually needed an escape from reality”</p><p>“So, why are you here now?”</p><p>“What I  just said”, Off smiled. Gun gave him a questioning look, confused from what he said.</p><p>"Okay", Gun trailed off a bit, "But why me?" he finished as Off shifted his gaze towards him with a bittersweet expression on his face. He lit up into a smile, but his eyes said otherwise.</p><p>“I need to be with something that gives me a peace of mind”.</p><p>“You don’t say”, the shorter boy avoids Off’s gaze, staring at the ceiling as well, basking in the presence of peace that lingered between the both of them.</p><p>“I heard your dad’s coming home”, Gun spoke all of a sudden, catching Off’s attention, “But I understand if you don’t want to talk about it”.</p><p>The taller boy froze for a while, thinking whether he should talk about it or continue with another topic. He was a bit hesitant to tell Gun, but he figured that there was nothing to be afraid of, because it was Gun anyway. But he still didn’t want to involve him as much as possible. The boy already had a messy life, he didn’t want to burden him with his own problems.</p><p>“Actually, he already is. He’s just  not at our house yet, said he’s busy with some local bullshit”, Off sighed, “Although I refuse to call this place home”, he paused a bit, his eyes still affixed on the ceiling while Gun stared at him with his soft eyes, “A place where I have to be with them is not, and will never be a home”.</p><p>“What do you mean by ‘them’?” Gun looked at the boy with wide eyes.</p><p>“You know… everyone”, Off replied, trailing off keeping his gaze on the ceiling trying not to think about it. Gun felt a wave of disappointment when he spoke. He had no idea why he felt down, thinking he's part of what Off meant as 'everyone'. But he held onto a little bit of hope as Off breathed as if he wasn't finished speaking yet.</p><p>"Else.." the taller boy trailed off, eliciting the word in a from of a quick whisper and he wasn't sure if Gun was quick enough to catch it, and by the slight change in Gun's expression, he knew he caught it.</p><p>He wondered if Gun knew what he meant by <em>everyone else</em>, but he gave up trying to find out when he showed the slightest bit of a reaction. As good as it felt when he cried earlier with Gun by his side, he didn’t want to cry anymore. He didn’t want Gun to remember him that way. He didn’t want to leave the same impression that everyone else left him with.</p><p>Gun remained silent however, his eyes still stuck on the boy. He felt the exact same, and to think that Off thought so as well made him realize just how cruel the world was.</p><p>“That’s why I had to distance myself for a while”, Off started once again, “My mother had us prepare everything for his arrival like the big shot he is”, he chuckled, but smiled sadly when he realized that Gun was looking straight at his exposed and bruised arms.</p><p>They were obviously fresh. Some of them were already dark and yellowish, indicating that it had probably been there for a few weeks now, but the bigger ones on his forearms were still painfully red, some even having specs of purple as if the blood in his arms were clotted. He tried desperately hard to hide it from him, but there he was remaining in his position whilst Gun brushed his hands along Off’s arms, trying to take in the fact that these kinds of people still exist in a world like this. People like Off who still managed to smile and laugh everyday even if he’s being treated the exact opposite of what he deserves.</p><p>“She did this?” Gun whispered, his breath hitched when Off slowly nodded, hissing a bit when Gun accidentally pressed on the bruises a little bit too hard.</p><p>“Shit”, Gun gasped, feeling the tears well up in his throat, trying to stand up before being stopped by Off.</p><p>“Where are you going?” Off asked quietly, gently gripping on Gun’s wrist to pull him back to their original position.</p><p>“Getting you an ice pack, what do you think I’m doing?” His voice cracked as he panted, feeling the hot tears form from the back of his eyes. It didn’t take long for Off to notice his eyes watering as he pulled the boy towards the bed once more.</p><p>“You don’t need to, I’m fine”, Off explained softly, trying to hush Gun, holding him by his arms to control him.</p><p>“But you need it!” Gun exclaimed, trying to free himself from Off’s grip, but ultimately failed once he felt another warm feeling around his body, the arms of the poor and innocent boy he missed so much wrapping around him once again. He didn't mean to do it, but he couldn't help it, he only needed one thing. No matter how much the bruises and cuts on his body hurt, there was only one thing that he knew could distract him from everything else, which is why Off wrapped his arms around it, he had to prevent it from leaving him as well.</p><p>"No I don't", Off whispered, his voice breaking, "Stay here...".</p><p>It was only the second time that they hugged, and yet he couldn’t get enough of it. Same goes for Off as he tightened his hold one more time, trying to stop the shorter boy’s tears from falling any further.</p><p>“This is all I need right now”, Off whispered, “I don’t want anything else”.</p><p>“But--”</p><p>“Please”, the taller boy hushed Gun with a pleading voice, “Just stay with me, it’s all I ask from you Gun. Stay here with me”.</p><p><em>“He has it worse out of all of us”, </em>Tay’s voice rung throughout Gun’s ears when he tightens the embrace, finally realizing just how much they needed each other at that moment. Off brought Gun closer, nudging his chin on his head as the latter kept his face on the former’s chest, listening to his heartbeat, enjoying the faint sound of it and avoiding the thought of letting go.</p><p>“Why?” Gun’s voice vibrated against Off’s chest, his tone was soft but there was a silent sob to it.</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p><em>“Why does it have to happen to you”  </em>Gun thought, but he didn’t want to sound weird.</p><p>“Why did she do it?” he finally asks, as if he didn’t know the answer, "Why do you keep up with it?"</p><p>He reckoned that Off was hinting to him that he knew the answer already when he stayed silent, nudging Gun’s head as if saying ‘you know why’. He didn’t say anything else, letting himself bask in the boy’s warmth while he had the time to, because life was always full of surprises, but it would never change the fact that life forces all the good things to end quicker than expected. Which is why Gun stayed silent; enjoying the company he had right now.</p><p>Everything else was a blur, and they didn’t care about anything else, all they knew was this was a new feeling for both of them and with no doubt; they loved it. It was something they both lacked in their lives, and they were finally feeling it from each other. As if two lone swallows finally found their way back home.</p><p>The sentiment about home made the taller boy realize more about Gun. Off knew that he didn’t have a home. Neither of them did. Sure, they had a place to stay, but neither of those structures were a home. But he soon realized that what he felt about Gun and his presence whenever he was there beside him, were normally what people would describe as home, and after all those years, he began believing that maybe <em>home</em> isn’t always a house after all; in most cases, it’s a <em>person</em>.</p><p>If only he knew that Gun thought the same.</p><p>They didn't do much but it was enough to elicit the feeling of need and the sensation of happiness swirled around the two bodies as two broken boys found ease in each other, seeing the other as foundation for what was once broken. It was everything they wanted and needed at the same time, and it was all happening at the moment.</p><p>“Tay told me about your situation”, Off broke the silence they’ve established, “About what you witnessed when you went to your old neighbourhood”, he paused for a while, tilting his head a bit as he tried to read Gun’s expression, thinking whether to keep going with the topic or if he should stop. He didn’t want Gun to be uncomfortable as much as possible, and to be honest, he wouldn’t blame Tay for telling Off. At least he was spared the burden of recalling the events when he asks him to open up, “But I won’t talk about it if you feel uncomfortable”.</p><p>Off parted from the boy once again, breaking the embrace as they both breathed a heavy dose of air before continuing.</p><p>“What else is there to talk about? Knowing Tay he probably told you everything already”, Gun looked at the boy, facing him once again when he adjusts his body towards him.</p><p>“I’d have to thank him then. I haven’t been replying to his calls and texts lately”</p><p>“Me neither”, Gun sighed, “It’s all just too much all of a sudden”.</p><p>Off glance at the boy, keeping his head hung up to stare at the ceiling.</p><p>“I won’t blame you”</p><p>“I mean how could you? You definitely have it rougher than me”, Gun paused for a while, earning the strength to talk, “And I feel bad for not understanding you all these years. I probably made it harder for you, knowing now that the person I hated the most was probably just the by-product of your family’s manipulation. I’m sorry that I didn’t even try looking through you”, he stopped talking when Off shushed him.</p><p>“I told you not to blame yourself”, Off smiled, “You’re not the only one who added fuel to the fire”.</p><p>“But just because I wasn’t the only one at wrong doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be saying sorry. I still treated you horribly, and I don’t want you to keep reasoning for my actions because they were obviously bad. I want you to forgive me at least”.</p><p>Off’s breath hitched, letting Gun’s words run through his mind, as if it was touching his heart. He realized just how genuine the boy was, and that the more he knew him, the more he found out about the real Gun; the one who doesn’t have to put up a front, and all he wanted was for the boy to be back in his arms again.</p><p>“Then I forgive you”, Off looked at Gun, flicking Gun’s forehead slightly, due to how stubborn he is, “But I don’t want you to keep blaming yourself anymore. I want you to forgive yourself too, okay?”</p><p>Gun didn’t say anything else, nodding in response as he smiled back at Off, staring at him as he talked about what else he’s been up to the previous days. He wasn’t one to tolerate these kinds of casual conversations, but the way that Off spoke, the way he phrased his words, was enough to captivate the boy, making his eyes glisten as he continued to hear the boy’s voice.</p><p>He realized that he probably wasn’t a good person since he didn’t care one bit about Off’s stories about how he had to stay at home studying while he practiced for the competition he was going to have soon and that he hadn't had enough time to practice it. Knowing Off, he would probably just nail it with a little bit of improv since he was technically a veteran when it came to competitions he was forced to join in the first place. But he didn't care about all those as much. All he cared about was that the boy was okay, and that he was talking normally as if he hadn’t disappeared for 4 days, and that they didn’t break down in tears an hour ago because of everything else.</p><p>It was weird how they both enjoyed each other’s company without any further questions. They didn’t even ask why, how or when. Maybe it was just because they’ve been all alone throughout the years that they didn't have a time to question it when company came, but all they knew was they were happy, at least for a little while.</p><p>But both boys were too stubborn to realize it.</p><p>Gun focused on Off’s voice, and Off focused on Gun listening to him. The vibration their words made against the pillows and the low, husky tone that entered Gun's ears, and the feeling of having to hear him talk as they lay on the mattress face to face.</p><p>It felt just like a lullaby.</p><p>And maybe he felt too comfortable listening to his voice that he felt his eyes flutter, shutting before he could even process it. For the first time in so long, he fell asleep not to the pressure and the exhaustion that the world gave him, but he fell asleep knowing he was safe.</p><p>It didn’t take long before Off noticed that Gun was already fast asleep. His heart fluttered when he realized how beautiful Gun was as he slept. He felt like a stalker, but he couldn’t help but stare at the sleeping boy. He looked peaceful, compared to how they were just a few hours ago. He realized that the boy struggled the same way he did. It was funny how a few hours alone with him was enough to get him back on his feet. He felt refreshed, as if he’d travelled to another universe where everything else was better. It scared him that a few hours with Gun was enough to give him the happiness he craved for in those 4 days they’ve had to suffer alone. He was scared that he’d look for it when they part, and knowing the circumstances, he was sure that their time is short, and it would come sooner than expected.</p><p>He wished that they could just stay this way for a long time.</p><p>But as he brought the blanket over Gun’s body, his eyes were distracted by the warm glow of the moon. He realized that the time he feared might just be coming soon, and the more that he stared at the moon, the more that he feared it. He wanted to spend more time with him as much as possible; he wanted to be there for him, even after he finds eternal happiness. Off sighed, recalling his sentiment the last time he watched the boy sleep. The more that he thought of the moon, the more that he reflected with it, and the more that he saw himself in it, the more he despised the glowing orb that gave him joy. He thought of the boy again, and Off might be there for him in the darkest of night, but when morning eventually comes, he’ll have to leave inevitably.</p><p>Slowly, he began thinking how much he hated the moon for making him think that despite how much he loved it. But after having to think about it for a long time, he suddenly had a realization; that no matter how much he tried to deny it, <em>he was sure that Gun was indeed his Sun. </em></p><p>It might be foolish, and he might just be thinking out of weakness, but as he remembered Gun's painting he so carefully observed, he realized that despite the circumstances, and the boy not being aware of it, he was sure that he saw the shorter boy as the Sun, the ever-glowing flower who gave him that warm smile that reassured him that life wasn't always cruel.</p><p>
  <em>"We all need the sun”.</em>
</p><p>He had one thought in his mind as he continued to stare at the boy. He was confused at first, but who wouldn’t be? He was 17. He was a stupid, immature and problematic teenager, what would he know about it? It was a frightening feeling, but it explained a lot. The fear that he felt, the comfort that was present when he was around him, and the never ending happiness he felt he was offered whenever he was with the boy. But the more that he thought about it, the less scared he was of finally admitting it to himself. The boy was asleep anyway, he wouldn’t hear it if he were to say it all of a sudden, but there was still a slight doubt in Off’s heart as he was making a decision.</p><p>A sudden spurt of panic occurs as he’s left with his own mind again whilst he looked at Gun<em>. </em>His thoughts were messy, and his brain was forcing him to just suddenly blurt it out despite of his approval.</p><p>It took some time, but he finally gained the courage to whisper quietly as he stared once more at the moon outside, and back at Gun, whispering it silently as if wishing for something before he wrapped his arms around the boy once again before drifting off into a peaceful sleep, one that he only experiences whenever he’s with him.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“It’s beautiful isn’t it?”</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>p.s if you get the last line, I will love you with all my heart. If you don’t, I suggest you try to find out hehe.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i'm crying :')) i wrote this chapter after GMM announced Off's covid results and it's been a rollercoaster of emotions ever since. call me dramatic, but this bitch cried right in front of their customers while she was sitting in for her grandmother's grocery store when they announced it.</p><p>i've currently been feeling lost lately and this chapter kind of got to me a bit while i was writing it. These offgun one on one moments are one of my favorite things to invest my time in 'cos it's like actually having someone there for me when i feel the pressure they're feeling myself. ok im being dramatic i'll stop now.</p><p>sorry it took a long time. i've just started with my finals and i'm graduating soon so i've been kind of a wreck. considering how horrible this chapter is, i promise i'll make it up on my next upload :) also, i'd appreciate it a lot if you continue supporting and sharing this story even though i'm a shitty and not-so-consistent writer who only uploads whenever she feel like it hjcgkshls.</p><p>i love you all and stay safe.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>